perfectlyimperfect

I'm now living in a world where I don't have a complete control of the world. It's very uneasy to handle the world which revolves so differently everyday. Everyday I have to avoid myself from touching the skin of the different sex. Because my work requires me to move at a full speed pace. Sometimes my hands got to far front... But that not what i cannot control. It's not my biggest prob though. The bigger one is to handle people who,how can i say this--- have less understanding of the limit of man-woman relationship. Owh, i got to deal with this everyday. And to tell them without telling. To tell them without hurting their heart. And to save them their face(s?)... Aku tak nak jadi biasa perempuan datang dan tepuk tampar belakang aku. Aku tak nak jadi biasa duduk dekat gile. aku tak nak jadi biasa ditenung lama-lama. aku tak nak jadi biasa duduk satu meja bersilang kaki, aku tak nak jadi biasa ketawa gelak kah kah kah sam-sama. aku tak nak jadi biasa bercinta itu aku p...

aku bekerja jadi cashier dah beberapa hari. dan mata aku terbuka. ragam manusia yang beribu-ribu. aku miliki semua. this is just a story bout one customer,one human~ which resembles me much. i just started to open my counter, when came arrive this one woman, mid forty i think with her mom,as old a lady could be.granny badan membongkok ke depan. and i am astonished of how rude this lady to me,and everybody. She insisted to put her items on two separate bills,one credit,another cash. with a smile on my face, i followed her want... there...... paid. And then so suddenly she hand out two coupons. rm4 coupon, and a discount on an item,expiring tomorrow. And i said,i cannot do anything bout that,politely. and rudely she says, "macam mana ni? awak tak boleh buat macam ni. kamu delete balik."... then i said, "tak boleh kak,kalau boleh saya dah buat dah.it's not in my hand to do this." And she insisted on getting them.owh so rude i felt blood rushing to my head.F...

For days i kept on worrying over my friendship. And for days i was in state of mourn over potential lost of a friend. More than before i cried and scream. I shivered and stammered. I stuttered and shut. Welled up in my chest, and my eyes, are nothing but fears and tears. And then I found God. I prayed in my prayer on a praying mat, I cried in front of Him, Told him anything and everything, Asking for help and rescue, Two hands over my face, and with tears rolling down the cheeks, I questioned Him over the unbearable pressure, I asked Him whether I did anything wrong. He answered nothing. He just gave a smile on my friend's face the next morning. Magical. ...Dan bahawasanya kepada Tuhanmulah kesudahan (segala sesuatu). Dan bahawasanya dialah yang menjadikan orang tertawa dan menangis. Dan bahawasanya dialah yang mematikan dan menghidupkan... [anNajm : 42-45]

its been long did i write. its been tough.all are. life.relationships. study. eat. iman. everything became tough. no matter how carefree i am. i have it all, and i forget Him at all. life's too much drama. i direct it. produce it. wrote the script. everything. now i am pressured over stress i created. stupid life.stupid people. stupid me. really. it is me who's stupid. i gotta go home. my old me. this is not me. i want it all.i have it all.and now i hate it all

alone in a small room make me realize of the time wasted and money spent alone in the dark shadows and spark all entwine into one one malaysia aku mengarut cam org indonesia arghhh

Akhirnya termakbul jugak hasrat aku.aku single .tidur atas katil single .makan craft single ...dan sekarang aku duduk BILIK SINGLE !!! Yahooooooo! For more than one year i had live with my coursemate, having ups and downs, disagreements (double lock the door or just once), agreements (on airwick aroma gel,beds arrangements), pow-mengepow each others food,now i had to go to a new room. Mixed feelings- lah . Sedih ke happy sebenarnya? Well, I cannot accurately describe this because it is emotion. Emotions are not based in science. And if you can’t quantify or prove that something exists… in my mind it doesn’t. [last 3 lines credited to Scarlet of G.I Joe] . Just blend it,and grind it, and digest it Naja! Lepas ini, it is all up to me. Subuh kena pasang alarm , study and assignment kena aler t . Its kinda scary on second thought of this living alone thing.It's going to be HARD. but I'm not gonna regret on what I think right for me. N...

aku sekarang makin malas liat nak bagi komitmen. group work English aku lost. bertekak bertikam lidah segala. kelab yg aku masuk makin aku pinggir. siki-sikit. makin lama makin mengosong komitmen aku. aku jadi bebal dengan amanah aku makin tebal dengan ala kadar aku.gitu-gitu je.asalkan jadi. semua benda jadi half-heartedly done.or maybe less than half. aku memberontak.aku marah dengan diri aku, lalu aku marah dengan sekeliling. aku tak boleh putus semangat time aku tengah bersemangat. aku tak boleh hilang support whhen the job requires support. bila aku jadi ketua group, aku jadi memberontak kalau ada yang wat slek.buat separuh hati. sekarang aku yang separuh hati. biar orang tahu apa rasanya dilayan begitu.satu sem aku jadi gila sebab ni. aku tak nak jadi gila lagi sem ini. aku tak larat lagi jadi semangat bila yang lain,mcm aku sekarang,ala kadar.gitu-gitu.asal jadi. Beri petunjuk Tuhan,adakah aku begini kerana aku suka melihat yang lain terseksa, atau memang kerana aku dah tak puny...