Di sini aku coret,lakar,conteng,lukis,catat,tulis,leter,bebel,sindir,ukir,pahat,tekap,warna cerita hidup aku

Sunday, July 28

Walking Dead

So you know Forrest Gump? The scene where he just abandoned everything and just...ran?
I feel like doing that now. I think I want to do that. I think I need to do that.

So you know Umar r.a? The time when he laughed and cried remembering how he buried his daughter alive?
I feel like that now. My body got confused as to what kind of response is appropriate for what I'm feeling.

You watched Fight Club? I never really beat anyone nor beaten up by anyone like in the movie.
I think I need a good beating right now. Heck,I would pay anyone to beat me up right now.

I am sort of empathetic now to those people who cut their wrist. 
Or those people who chose random faces to slam their fist.
Why people became an alcoholic. 
Or a drug addict.

Shouldn't I be worried of myself? 
Please tell me.
Because I dunno anymore

Thursday, July 25


I feel like an old turtle
I dived too deep into the ocean
I forgot the last time I filled my lungs with air
I'm still too far from the ocean bed I dreamed to reach
And no where near the surface I desperately need to breath
I'm down to the last bit of O2.
I want to breathe out this CO2-filled lungs
But I know the vacuum will sucked in the H2O
Filling every voids with pain
What to do, what to do but to cry 
But crying feels a bit redundant now eh?
What's a few drop of tears to a vast pool of saltwater?

This entry is a joke.
I am a joke.
Ugly skin, flailing flippers, useless shell...
What could be funnier than a sinking upturned turtle, die trying to dream big?

"When you try your best but you don't succeed,When you get what you want but not what you need,When you feel so tired but you can't sleep,Stuck in reverse"

Sunday, July 21


When I have problems I know no one will care, Or too embarrassing for me to share,
At a time like this,
Having a best friend is all I wish.

Always wanted one, doesn't mean I deserved any.

Wednesday, July 17

Mea Culpa

I doubted You,
Like I have any rights to,
Although it seems like the right thing to do,
When my life came to a halt,
And I found no way to restart.

I ignored You,
A restrained rebel of a one-man riot,
Subtle like a cold treatment of young lovers,
My prayers were short and rushed,
Your words on the shelf collecting dust,
And what a year of that brought me,
But emptiness and misery.

Then I ‘get’ You,
I finally get You.
You are no government I can overthrow,
You are no lover I can ignore,
You are my creator,
Never a moment You need me,

Forever and always I need You!

Friday, July 5

Tidur Sewaktu Khutbah: Apakah Puncanya?

I first learn to sleep during a Friday sermon when I was 12 years old. I was in Form 1 in boarding school.

Before that, the idea of sleeping during sermon was unheard of.  Talking during sermon on the other hand make sense, because all your friends will be there. But sleeping? Why walk to a mosque and sleep? Why not skip sermon altogether and just go late for Friday prayer? You walk to a mosque to sleep in that God awful position to wake up just for a cramp in your leg?

Well, that’s basically the kind of questions I would ask IF I know the idea of sleeping during sermon exist, but no I didn’t.  I learn that idea when I first felt sleepy in a small mosque in Jelebu in 2002, where the Bilal’s azan was deafening and he a near-deaf old man. And oh boy no one in their right mind would even think to question the need to sleep at that point.

I blame the system for that guilty pleasure. You know how restless life in boarding school is. Your life is scheduled out of your will. Prep petang, prep malam, sabtu pun nak buat prep jugak. Beratur for breakfast, beratur for lunch, dinner, tea, supper. Beratur for jamban yang elok. Beratur for shower yang tak bertakung. Turun floor bawah sebab air takde. Lari turun floor paling bawah sebab takde air jugak. Beratur for water cooler. Beratur Berebut nak beli jajan kat koop. Penat beratur kena potong pulak dengan senior. Tengah nak bersenang-lenang ada pulak senior pow Maggi and worst yet soh masak Maggi (sedap ke Maggi perisa finger and spit tu bang?). Then there’s roll call before sleep (or during grrr). Lights off at 11PM no matter you have done your homework or not. And sneaking out at 12 am to iron tomorrow’s uniform (because ironing during the day means glancing out of the ironing room’s door and pray no more seniors will come to cut the queue). And there was bullying, fire drills, club meetings, riadah (read: duduk tepi padang ). I can go on but I think you get the point; I have no time to breathe let alone to rest.

So, the moment you set your foot in the mosque during Friday prayer, you search for a perfect spot to sit and doze off. Well, it doesn’t have to be perfect actually. You may sit right under the speaker, and as loud as he try, the Bilal cannot wake you with his azan. Everybody did this, minus the pakciks from the kampong. I tell you, if you sit at the furthest saf at the back looking ahead, the safs were pakciks in colourful Baju Melayu, followed by headless kids in white Baju Melayu, headless, headless, headless, aaaand  headless kids in white Baju Melayu.

As the sermon ends, and the Bilal standing with what effort left in him,breathing in what volume of air his lungs could breathe in, he shouted “saaaaaaaaap!!!”. And then, what happened was an almost perfect synchronization of heads growing out of headless kids, rising the dead like zombies (exactly like zombies really because you got an assortment of fat zombies, skinny ones, zombies that cannot stand – sebab kebas,if it was a movie it was really realistic) and all of that maestroed by the Bilal. Kudos to you pakcik :)

*Did you read the title in Mazidul's voice? You should. Unless you are Mazidul*

*I guess I need a few more post on the subject "boarding school" alone. Remind me to write that up*