Di sini aku coret,lakar,conteng,lukis,catat,tulis,leter,bebel,sindir,ukir,pahat,tekap,warna cerita hidup aku

Sunday, December 30


I think I have messed up my sleep cycle. It's usual for me to pass midnight without feeling sleepy, so I watched movies,watched TV or browse the net until 2 or 3 am. Only then will I go to bed.

And it's hard  when I go to bed.
Because when I say I go to bed, I really mean only that; go. There's always a half or an hour of tossing and turning before I can finally sleep. And I don't know where my sister bought this bed, but it really cannot handle my pre-sleeping actions. Okay that sounds a wee bit dirty. What I mean was, sometimes the bed will malfunctioned and I have to put it back together (this is a bit technical I'm not gonna bore you with details). It's just really didn't help with me trying to sleep.

And waking up is hard too.
I'm a natural early-riser. I was at least. But now I have to rely on alarm clock, which unfortunately means my cheap Nokia phone's alarm clock. If I put it too far from my head, or accidentally pushed it under my pillow while I'm battling monsters of Dreamland in my REM sleep (thank god I still have that), chances are the alarm sound will be too low to the point of the ceiling fan's white noise could cancel it out. I really need to curi my niece's Doraemon alarm clock.

And staying awake is equally hard too.
If I managed to wake up, there are only two possibilities. One, I will sleep again at 7 until 10-ish am. Or possibility number two, if I'm lucky, I will stay awake until 10 am and dozed off until noon-ish. And this house perfect timing for lunch really just like adding salt to the wound. More often than not, upon finishing the meal, I can feel the food take over my body, like the calories (this is a wrong use of word I think) creeping up to my eyelids, and forced them to closed down, down, down, down with my body on the couch.

Remember the entry 'Adele' where I wrote a fictional story in the form of a letter, that I posted several weeks ago? Well, the 'me' character wrote that he had trouble sleeping, and need to take pills. I started to think that I'm cursed by that. Mana tahu Adele bela hantu raya, sebab tu suara dia sedap, sebab tu aku tak boleh tidur. Okay karut sangat.

  Sleep cycle aku messed up gila. I have no control of when I'm awake or sleep. Help me

*this article was edited to make it a lil' bit easier to read. I had a sudden epiphany after reading a blog, that my minimalist aesthetics in writing is just, well, boring.

Saturday, December 29


1. Right now I feel the need to write something, although I'm not quite sure what to write. Okay,actually  I just did the number one Don't: "If you don't know what to write, don't say you don't know what to write."

2. Stephen King, said he set a quota of writing 2000 words a day. This is like me catching him up, but, haha, who am I kidding.

3. Having my name on the cover of a novel might be the most impossible dream I can never reached. I'll save it in my bucket list though, who knows I can fulfill it later, say in Heaven?

4.People say Heaven is a place where your wishes granted. It's like genie on steroid, no more three-wishes-only rule.

5. Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed that I wrote point No.4, because it's clear as day that I'm struggling with vocabulary and witty idea there. Ughh.

6. Why oh why I'm always like this? I mean why do I always doubt myself, that everything that I do will never be good. It's okay to be critical, but to the point of killing my own interest; why? Why did I write point No.5?

7. So I just got a message, from my dear friend,at this very moment I'm writing this very sentence asking to join,to go to Port Dickson at this very moment, and I just said yes, OMG is this real, or is this some kind of trick? Is this some kind of prank, hidden camera kind of thing? Is my webcam is turned on accidentally and somehow my friend have hidden CIA-level hacking talent that he hacked into my webcam and laughing furiously at the other end of the line of how ridiculous my facial expression is right now.

8. Really didn't see that coming, wow. So now eight-points ramblings is already a long ramblings. So yeah, I don't know if Port Dickson will happen or not, ha ha, this surprise is pleasant enough already. I'm going to end this now :)

Thursday, December 27


It was as if I was not on anyone's phone.

Considering how smart a phone could be nowadays, that telling you a lot.
I wasn't on anyone phone book.
I wasn't in anyone's friend list.
I wasn't in anyone's following list.
I wasn't in anyone's email address book.
I wasn't in anyone freaking life for goodness sake.

I was under the radar. I was invisible. I was effing didn't exist.
That if I stand in a crowd, everyone would just walk pass through me.
That if I screamed, no one would notice.
That if I reached for someone, I would just trip and fall.

As if I was in a dimension where I could see everyone, but none see me.
Like the purpose of my existence in this dimension is to weep for my non-existence.

If I go, will anyone notice?
If I go, will anyone care?
Will anyone be sad?
Will anyone cry?
Search for me?
Missed me?

As if I was not on anyone's phone.

My take on loneliness, with a tacky connection towards social network. ha ha. excuse my grammar, not sure why I use past-tense. Half true, half fiction.

Wednesday, December 26


Dengan sebuah novel Rudyard Kipling di tangan, aku melangkah keluar pintu pagar menuju ke taman permainan. Bersama dua orang anak buah untuk dijaga (mati la). Bersama dua buah basikal untuk disorong (if you can call a bicycle with four wheels bicycle; more like quadcycle to me). Sampai ke taman, kaki tanpa sabar dijejak ke rumput, aaaaaand dang! lecak sebab baru lepas hujan =_='

Selesai memberi instruction dan warning pada anak-anak buah, aku lepaskan diorang terkedek-kedek kayuh basikal. But not before anak buah yang lelaki kotorkan seluar aku sebab terkena tapak kasut dia masa dia panjat basikal (*carut*) .Satisfied dengan arahan, aku melabuh punggung atas bangku. Novel dibuka, dibaca dengan muka bajet educated, tapi tidak sesungguhnya tidak, sebab cover novel itu terlampau kartun untuk aku dianggap educated, which is not my intention pun. Aku baca sebab aku malas nak tengok budak-budak tu main, which is the main point of going there, which is why I'm a bad sitter, which I don't care, sebab novel ni best jugak, which makes sense, sebab buku ni dah ada adaptation ke movie, which if I mention the name of the movie and you never heard of it you must be living is some kind of cave. It is The Jungle Book. Ring a bell? No? Go back to your cave, now.

Exact cover of my copy of The Jungle Book. RM6 kat Big Bad Wolf :)

Walaupun aku tahu Rudyard Kipling mesti tak bayangkan novel dia jadi cerita kartun Disney masa dia tulis The Jungle Book ni (ada dah ke Disney time tu?) , tapi masa aku baca, all the characters were all fun, colourful and 2D animated dalam kepala aku. Ditambah dengan bunyi budak-budak bermain dan padang permainan yang ala-ala savana sebab poor maintenance, I was inside the story for a while, cewah. 

Aku sebenarnya tak boleh baca novel kalau bising-bising, so aku expect sempat la baca 4-5 pages je at most. Tapi ada la dua chapter jugak habis, probably sebab vocabulary dia not quite tough and all the characters are believeable. Which is an irony because the story involved talking animal, which supposed to be hard to believe.Tak macam sesetengah novel yang pretentious je rasa, macam the whole purpose of the novel was to use each and every single words in the dictionary (mengaku je la vocab ko teruk Naja).

Ring a bell?

So, masa tengah-tengah baca tu, tiba-tiba ada seorang budak aku tak kenal naik basikal berhenti depan aku. Macam lost je so aku tegur la, "cantik basikal." Lepas tu dia jawab ape entah. Pelat. Terus dia turun basikal duduk sebelah aku. Eh. Berani betul, ramah semacam. Aisyh, kalau aku sindiket culik budak ke, pedobear ke, jimat satu lolipop, umpan pakai mulut aje. Katup novel (sorry Mowgli, nak layan budak ni jap), sambung investigate budak ni.

 "Mak mana?" (Paham ke? Budak-budak sekarang ada ke panggil emak diorang Mak?) Dia juih mulut ke kiri aku, tak cukup mulut dia tunjuk dengn telunjuk dia sekali. Ok, faham rupanya ko, stop pointing to your mak kid, dah dah, you made your point kid, nanti mak kau pikir apa pulak. Dah, stop.

Takut dilabel pedo, segera aku halau budak tu, "Pergilah naik basikal. Lajukan basikal tu? Tunjuk sikit laju dia camne." 

Sekali lagi tanpa lollipop, budak tu mengikut arahan dan mengayuh pergi, cewah. Kalau aku suruh masuk van, memang dengan basikal sekali dia angkut masuk van agaknya. Which I learned is not true, not due to the fact that I don't have a van, tapi sebab tak lama lepas tu basikal budak tu terkeluar dari jalan bersimen dan masuk sikiiiit je ke kawasan rumput, tapi  dia tak larat nak tolak keluar =_=' Nak tolak pun tak larat, apa lagi nak angkut masuk dalam van kan? hew3.

Aku perasan basikal budak tu tersangkut bukan sebab aku perhati dia lepas dia blah,sebab aku terus sambung baca citer pasal Mowgli je pastu. Aku perasan sebab budak tu lari duduk sebelah aku lepas basikal dia stuck. Eh budak ni, jual kang. Muka comel dah. Bila aku tanya mana basikal, sekali lagi dia jawab apa entah aku tak faham. Pelat teruk. Dia tunjuk basikal dia ke arah kanan aku. Nasib baik body language kau bagus budak (Okay, now I sounded like a pedobear.) So aku panggil anak buah aku yang slightly older, and slightly less pelat (I'm proud of you Zakuan for being less pelat! Okay over),and bawak basikal budak tu ke tempat aku duduk. Aku suruh dia naik basikal, pastu aku blah baca novel dekat buaian. Aman sikit kat buaian tu sebab nak pergi buaian tu kena tempuh kawasan rumput (read: kawasan lecak).
Ha ha ha.

I had enough cute kids to look after  for a day. Ain my niece, Zakuan my nephew, and Mowgli anak serigala. Bye-bye strange,cute,peramah little boy who has high potential to be kidnapped. Go run to your Mak. I wished she's your Mak  or I'll be damned if she's not.

p/s: Sori la kalau pening baca, nak categorize entry ni cakap pasal review buku bukan, nak cakap cerita biasa pun bukan. nak cakap cerita dalam English bukan, in bahasa melayu pun bukan. Gasaklah. Aku tulis tak edit sebab nak hilang tension. Tension tgk semua orang happy malam ni, aku plak miserable hew hew.

Old friends : Tak cam dulu. School friends: Tak sekufu. Latest friends : Tak sebulu. There,there pity me. 
 So many happy people, so irritating. Why can't everyone be miserable, then it'll be exciting.
And oh, The Jungle Book ni novel klasik  ditulis tahun 1894 oleh Rudyard Kipling, He is a Nobel Prize winner. I don't remember how I first know bout this famous man, but the most memorable bout him is the the poem 'If'. Kalau ada masa aku post poem dia. And also aku akan post kenapa aku rasa miserable. Ok bye :)

Thursday, December 20


We lost that spark. 
A spark you took for granted.
And for that I'm so grateful.
I am.

If what that was was fire, it died. 
If what that was was a ship, it sank. 
It what that was was life, it ended.

If there's any memories left, 
it evokes not emotion or passion, 
but maybe just habitual feelings. 
Like drinking water in the morning.

Something that started when we don't realized, 
deserved not to be ended with goodbyes.

If it never even begun,and never really ended, 
It deserved no treatment of existence. 
It deserved no remembrance.

Saturday, December 15


Sometimes I just want to spend my morning
With a cup of coffee
Staring out the window
Not looking at nothing
Just, out the window
Embracing the morning breeze
That so softly blew the curtains
Too softly that for a moment
I pretend myself on clouds
And when the sun starts to peek
I watch my skin yellowed by the ray
I want to realize that
It was from a foreign stellar object
Eight minutes ago
Through a place so cold and dark
So I will appreciate the warmth
And the littlest warmth
brought by the littlest photons
Which glistened a little on my fingers
As I play made-up piano
On the messed up table
Mimicking the cheap stereo tune
From my boring, slow songs
From my "Boring & Slow" playlist
Which I really want to listen alone
Because just I want to cry
And cry
And cry
To the songs
How sappy or happy
So that the window view makes no sense anymore
Just distorted and blur
By the torturing tears
That when I cannot take it anymore
 I will lay my head on the table
And smile when the birds
Starts to chirp
Because I know
I will be okay.

Thursday, December 13


Once upon a time, there was a varsity student named Gary who was not very bright even though he was a varsity student. In a country that Gary live in, it is not unusual for not very bright people to enter universities  as long as they are rich or willing to be in debt for the rest of their lives. But that fact didn't really matter because Gary was neither rich nor he's willing to be in debt. But the real reason it didn't really matter was because Gary didn't know why he even entered the university taking courses he deem to fail. But nevertheless, Gary was a varsity student.

So Gary's everyday routine is going to lectures five minutes late. Then, during lectures he cannot understand the lectures because he was five minutes late, so he doodled crazy doodles in his book. That's on a good day, because on a bad day he will forget to bring any books so he doodled crazy doodles on the desk, the kind that's attached to the the seat. After that, he will go out of the lectures five minutes early, telling the lecturers he is five minutes late for his next lecture which is too stupid a lie for the lecturers to believe, when in fact the lecturers don't really care about Gary nor his lie. 

It was very noble of the university to state that the campus is a no smoking zone. But that didn't stop Gary or anyone for that matter to smoke anyway. So, as soon as Gary got out of the lecture room, he will lit his cheap cigarette (because he cannot afford the pricey ones) and take a few puffs before throwing it to the ground while saying to himself that the cigarette tasted weird when actually the more accurate term was it tasted cheap. Upon feeling rebellious for smoking in no smoking zone, he will get on his bike without his helmet on because he thinks a helmet trapped carbon dioxide which is bad for the body and because he likes fresh air.

When I said that Gary was not very bright, you may have imagine that Gary didn't have many friends. But even you know that that's not true because in university, people befriend one another not because he is bright  or not. Well, not just that anyway. As a matter of fact Gary had a lot of friends, mostly because he knows how to crack funny jokes, although people who don't befriend him will find it hard to understand his jokes or why do his jokes supposed to be funny. All he did was doing weird gestures and faces that he copied from comedies he watched with his friends the night before. I suppose he is funny, but not originally funny.

Gary also have many friends because he is good in sport. He knows how to play soccer, tennis, wall-climbing, you name it. May I explain to you this country Gary lived in doesn't really appreciate people with sport-ability, so that's why Gary don't know why he entered the university and also why he will be in debt for the rest of his life. So if you imagine Gary is a sad, lonely man you have to alter it now with friends who find him funny and friends who find him athletic. But if you have a great imagination, you should probably have already figure out that a man that's funny, athletic and have a motorbike should had a girlfriend. He did, but not just one.

Gary had three girlfriends, and that's another reason why his friends befriended him. All his girlfriends were all very different but they had one thing in common: they love Gary for who he is. I know it sounds cliche but please, let me explain. The first girlfriend was Amy who love Gary because he is funny, the second one was Cat who love Gary because he is athletic and Denise, who love him because, you guessed it, because he has a motorbike. Although to me it was pretty obvious why these girls love him, but being Gary who was not very bright, he only knew who love him but never why.

It is very rude to assume that Gary lied to these girls when he said to them (personally,separately of course) that he love them very much. Gary did love them very much but not exclusively. Not telling is not lying, right? For instance, he never said things such as ' you are my only one' or ' I think about you all the time' or anything you can think of that can give a hint of exclusivity (because I run out of lovey-dovey words). What befuddled most people who heard about Gary's story was not how he managed three girlfriends at the same time, but how can the girls don't know about each other. I will tell you how.

Saturday, December 8


When life gets hard and complicated, it's easy to wish for things to be easier and simpler.

"Why do I have to study this?" 
"Why can't assignments finished themselves?"
"Why people treat me this way?"
"Why can't you do it yourself?"

Etcetera, etcetera.

But then wishes were granted. Life easier, simpler.

A little too easy, too simple I guess.

When there's no challenge, I found myself...hollow. I cannot help but to wonder what am I doing in this world when the only problems that I have to solve are

"Where is the remote?" 
"Who's in the bathroom?" and
"I wonder what's going to happen next episode."

Heck, I cannot even put a question mark to that last question because it ain't a problem at all!

Get up you lazy bum. Stand on your feet. Face the world.

Friday, November 30


Aku pemuja malam cerah.
Lembut sinar sang bulan.
Kerdip cahaya  bebintang.
Bayang-bayang yang kelam.
Sahut-sahut unggas berlagu.
Dingin bayu yang berlalu.
Kelip-kelip cuba sembunyi.
Cengkerik tak henti berbunyi.
Dan degup jantung yang selari.

Thursday, November 15


Dear You.

How are you doing? I hope you're doing fine without me. What about chasing your dream that you always told me? I'm hoping that doing fine too. 

Hey you, I'm sorry that I didn't write you any sooner. I've been caught up in busyness. Unlike you, I still cannot find the rhythm and pace of my everyday routines. I'm still the mess that I was before. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night, screaming on top of my lungs from the same nightmares that I had the night before. Sometimes, the nightmare stops only to be replaced by sad dreams, so sad that I cried in my sleep. I know I cried because when I woke up, the pillow was damped or I had tear lines drawn horizontally on my cheeks. Sometimes I cannot get out of the bed in the morning, because I was still trying to sleep. Because I'm too tired of not sleeping the night before. Don't worry though.

Hey you, in case you want to find me, I'm still working at the the place we first met. Memories huh? We can go to that coffee shop at the corner of the block and talk for hours like we used before. But I guess I have to  pass on the coffee and watch you enjoy it instead because my doctor said caffeine wouldn't help with me trying to sleep. Yes, that same panel doctor we only go for getting MC. And last week, he prescribed me with another kind of sleeping pills because the last two didn't seem to work. You were right when you joked about him, maybe he is a fraud after all. Ha ha.

 Hey You, except for that man you married, all of our friends are still working there, and so do the boss; that sweet old lady. Although, last month she said she's going to cut my salary if she caught me staring again at the computer doing nothing. Doing nothing!? Doing nothing she said!? Maybe she ought to look back at the fact that I was Worker of the Month for three months when you're still here. She may be sweet but she is one very forgetful lady. In my defense, I wasn't really staring at the computer. I accidentally opened a folder where I put our photos. How can looking at photos translated into staring at the computer?

Hey you, you want to hear something funny? Last Thursday, when I was waiting for the bus to go home, I thought I saw you at the other side of the street. I called you and waved my hands but you didn't seem to notice. Ha. You must had been so preoccupied with texting on your phone. I thought you hate texting. But anyway, since you didn't notice, I shouted your name louder and then suddenly I heard screeches of tires and cars honking at me. When I realized what happened, I was on the street with people cursing and screaming at me. When I'm done apologizing, you were already gone. What were you doing here, three hours from your home anyway? Funny eh?

Hey You, I'm afraid that I missed you. I know you don't want to hear this, and I don't want to burden you with it either. But I don't know what else to do. You see, I'm writing this three in the morning, on the eleventh day of sleepless nights. Yes, I don't get any sleep at all for eleven straight nights. It was two nights at first. But the nights between two sleeps becoming longer lately. I'm afraid I'm going senile.

Hey You, I hope you don't take this letter too seriously. I just have to get things out of my chest. That's all. Sorry for taking some of your time to read this crap. 

Until then, goodbye.

Yours Truly,

Tuesday, November 13


I'm going to leave my past here,
loads that were neither needed nor wanted,
loads that have been dragging me slow,
loads that have been spinning me out of control.
And jump to the other side,
where I believe the grass greener,
the air sweeter.

I'm about to take a leap of faith.
This is me taking a few steps back.
This is me gaining momentum.
This is me murmuring prayers.
This is me taking a deep breath.

This is me, believing myself.

Wednesday, November 7


Mungkin bagi kau aku mudah diperalat. Hanya kerana aku lebih mudah menurut, semua permintaan aku tak diendah. Hanya kerana aku sering memulakan langkah, mudah untuk kau mengatakan "tidak".

Dalam pelbagai kesilapan yang kau lakukan sepanjang hidup kau, memandang enteng nilai diri aku adalah kesilapan kau yang terbesar. Ya aku menurut, mcam lembu bingai dicucuk hidung. Ya aku mengalah, bagai pesalah yang diacu pistol.

Jika kesalahan terbesar kau adalah memandang rendah padaku, memandang diri kau lebih tinggi adalah permulaan kepada penyesalan seumur hidup engkau. Kau lupa mungkin, lembu yang dicucuk hidung itu punya upaya untuk menanduk dan memijak tanpa dijangka. Kau lupa juga, aku bisa saja mengilas tanganmu dan tak perlu aku terangkan lagi pistol itu kini diacu ke kepala siapa.

Kau mungkin bijak mengambil kesempatan, tapi kau bodoh bila engkau sangka aku seperti yang engkau jangka. Tidak, aku bukan mengumpul daya untuk bertindak, aku sudah punya itu. Tidak, aku bukan juga menunggu masa yang sesuai untuk engkau lalai, kerana engkau sudah pun lalai!

Tidak, aku hanya membiarkan engkau menikmati saat-saat engkau berada di atas. Manis bukan? Ya,aku akui melihat engkau senyum kepuasan melihat aku dipermain cukup menjengkelkan. Tapi aku rela menggadai, oh tidak, melaburkan sedikit kegembiraan aku kerana aku percaya detik untuk aku menggulingkan kau dari takhta sudah terlalu hampir.

Aku sudah lama bersabar, apalah sangat menunggu sedikit lagi masa.

Please, enjoy your time, I insist :)

Monday, October 22


I'm a slave of Imperfection,
 whose long for freedom cannot be fathomed by the yardstick of Norm.

Because a yard is a yard. And a fathom is a fathom.
 Not too different,yet can never be the same.

Yet they measured it quick, and the judgement is fixed.
 I'm still a slave of Imperfection, 
whose labor is free, 
unlike my hands and my feet.

Well, well.
 My hands are shackled,
and they bruised my knuckles.
 I refuse to sigh, but instead I chuckled.

*excerpt from my tweets. malas? probably. No inspiration? definitely.* 

Tuesday, October 9


Jadi majlis konvokesyen tinggal beberapa hari lagi. Mula-mula risau juga memikirkan pakaian yang mahu dipakai. Sibuk bertanya teman-teman busana apa mahu disarung. Bukannya mahu bersaing siapa paling cantik (isi akaun bank pun makin mengering), cuma mahu cari kawan yang sekepala- berbaju melayu hitam dan bersampin. Tapi kalau tidak mahu bersaing pun, nyata niat aku sudah menyimpang. Jadi sebenarnya, aku malu kerana tak cukup bergaya? Hilang roh majlis graduasi dicabut rasa duniawi.

Tapi itulah halnya. Kita sudah dididik untuk rasa ketinggalan yang dibayangi rasa materialistik. Bukan ilmu yang dijulang tapi keputusan peperiksaan yang cemerlang. Bukan nafkah yang dicari tapi tangga gaji yang tinggi. Bukan pakaian yang sopan tetapi yang paling menarik perhatian. Lalu membarah dalam hal agama. Bukan kerana tuhan,tapi kerana sijil penghargaan. Bukan kerana ingin mengimarah masjid dan surau, tapi pandangan teman yang kita risau.

Post untuk blog kali ini; entah apa tujuan sebenar. Mahu banyak komen dan 'like'? Atau takutkan hilang pengikut? Atau mahu menunjuk wara'? Atau mahu perasan bagus?

Tak mahu cakap banyak-banyak, nanti dicop "holier than thou!"

Sunday, September 16


Masalah ni bagai kain pelikat yang hampir terlurut.
Kalau terus digulung pun bakal terlucut.
Jadi bertenanglah dan rungkaikan ikatan
Betulkan kain dan kuatkan lilitan.

*nak ganti pelikat dengan kain batik pon boleh.kain kapan pun boleh. ikut mana selalu pakai. lol

Wednesday, September 12


Mungkin lebih baik aku begini. Sendiri. Tak berbuat apa-apa. Tiada komitmen. Yang harus dipatuhi hanyalah jadual tidur,makan, dan TV. Tak perlu lagi fikir nanti kelas apa, makmal pukul berapa. But the most enlightening is tiada lagi keperluan untuk bersosial.
Kalau dulu mahu baca buku hendak berteman, mahu ke kelas hendak berteman, mahu makan pun hendak berteman juga. Berak tak teman ye, itu budak pompuan je okey. Ya, rasa ingin berteman itu, kehendak rupanya. Bila berseorangan baru aku tahu itu bukan keperluan. Menolak takut dikata anti-social? Tak ajak takut dikata sombong? Alasan je tu.

Elok sedap hidup begini. Mundar-mandir di laman rumah waktu pagi. Bila penat lari ke perdu pokok. Intai burung di celahan pokok. Baling batu pada ayam berkokok. Bila matahari sudah meninggi, masuk rumah baring atas lantai simen. Sejuk. Kalau dahaga cepat-cepat buka peti, botol air terus diteguk. Tak bercawan, tak bergelas. Kalau mak nampak, ha siaplah kena bebel.Setakat ni belum lagi kantoi. Tapi dah siap dah skema jawapan in case terkantoi, "Dekat universiti takde peti sejuk mak. Lupa pulak kena pakai cawan." Heh. *angkat kening*

Tapi bila petang siaplah. Rumah jenis takde pelan main renovate ni memang jadi ketuhar terbesar di dunia. Atap zink tak bersiling. Rasa disiat-siat kulit panasnya. Lalu larilah anak-beranak ke rumah bawah, sejuk perut mak dibuatnya, literally. Aku jugalah tukang lobi supaya TV diubah letak dari bawah zink panas berdesing ke rumah bawah yang sesejuk igloo (sila garis dengan pensel ayat ini sebagai contoh hiperbola ye murid-murid). Sebagai seorang bakal jurutera aku nampak macam-macam flaw pada design rumah ni. Masalahnya aku ni jurutera tak berpengalaman. Bukan jurutera sivil pulak tu.

Ikut hati nak diroboh semula, nak pasang siap solar panel bagai, kincir angin dan tak lupa swimming pool sebagai humidifier semulajadi. Barulah go green , go global. Jangan dibantai berkemban dek mak aku dalam pool tu sudah. Mahu nanti direjam batu oleh ayam-ayam peliharaan sambil berkokok dengan nada sinis. Mungkin mustahil hasrat aku nak roboh buat baru. Tapi siapa tahu dekat-dekat musim pilihanraya ni. Mintak dekat YB. InsyaAllah dapat. (Bintangkan perenggan ini sebagai contoh nada sarkastik ye murid-murid)

Jadi sekarang, itulah rutin aku. Tiada pindaan lagi setakat ni oleh pejabat akademik. Dan pejabat bendahari pun masih mampu menanggung biawak hidup macam aku ni. Same old, same old. Mungkin lepas ni boleh la korang kumpul kawan-kawan sebilik, se-office ramai-ramai; then dengan ala-ala concernnya mesejlah aku " buat apa tu?" dalam pukul 2 petang. InsyaAllah aku jawab "tengok sinetron." Kalau berani ajak la bos or lecturer sekali mesej aku dalam pukul 3. InsyaAllah aku jawab "tengok drama Philipines, Mara Clara." Korang gelakkan lah aku kuat-kuat sambil cakap "haha aku dah cakap mesti dia jawab tu punye!". Lepas tu boleh la korang sambung balik belajar atau kerja, tatkala aku kudap-kudap kerepek pisang, tak pun jilat-jilat aiskrim sambil goyang kaki tengok TV.

Tuesday, September 11


Say it
If you missed me
Because it's killing you
not telling
Because it's killing me
not knowing

Shout it
If I'm far away
But that's probably stupid
Because you can text me anyway

Or post on my Facebook wall
Or tweet me on Twitter
Or post a video on Youtube

Ya. Ini post main-main. Haha. Padan muka.

Saturday, August 11


Harapan itu hapus dijamah
Bagai gugus bintang yang lenyap
Dilitup subuh yang merah
Diraja matahari yang meluap

Dan kita masih terus membuntang
Menggantung harap dan ingin
Satu per satu seperti bintang
Muncul teratur di senja yang mendingin

Dan malam itu kita terlentang
Memandang langit yang telanjang
Telah kita tiup jauh awan penghalang
Bernafas perlahan seperlahan putarnya bintang

Dan embun yang membutir di bulu mata
Menerbit masinnya air mata
Lalu dalam gelap legam dan sejuk membeku
Tanganmu kugenggam, sama menangis tersedu.

Friday, August 10


Empat tahun ini cukup memayahkan. Cukup melelahkan. Bagai satu maraton yang cukup panjang. Cuma bezanya (dan malangnya) leher ini terbelenggu tak dibenar berhenti. Dipaksa berlari; maraton yang panjang dan tak betujuan. Mulanya tidak pasti adakah ada sorak menang di hujungnya. Tidak juga pasti adakah ada segelas air buat penghilang dahaga.

Dan rantai yang tegang menyentak leher ini dulunya kendur, kerana masih punya kudrat. Kerana masih mengharapkan di akhir garisan nanti dicurahkan nikmat. Satu ketika dulu langkah yang takut-takut itu mula melangkah berani. Kukuh. Padu. Sekata. Confident. Foolishly confident. Heh.

Namun langkah mati bila sedar diri sudah tertinggal di belakang. Rantai yang kendur kini mencekang. Entah mana silapnya, mana pergi upaya. Teman yang ada dulu terus memecut. Kaki diheret, namun makin sulit. Di kiri kanan jalan manusia mula menjerit. Hina keji maki. Diludah ditohmah difitnah.

Lalu kaki melonglai, lutut menghentak lantai. Berapa lama aku merangkak? Berapa kali aku tertiarap tak bergerak? I lost count. Maybe a thousand times based on the cuts and bruises. Aku sudah jadi lali, sudah imun dengan semua seksa. Bukan kebal tapi lali. It still hurts but I'm so tired I can't complain or even give a facial reaction.

Kadang-kadang ada turun renyai nikmat dari Tuhan yang sekadar cukup buat penyejuk badan. Kemudian panas datang semula, merangkak, rebah, merangkak semula. Begitulah sampai ke penamat. There's no celebration in the end. Tiada tangis. Tiada senyum juga. I was numb. Aku masih hidup bernyawa tapi pada masa yang sama aku 'mati'. What doesn't kill you makes you ass, Kelly Clarkson.

At the end of the fourth year, I won't consider myself mature. Lebih berpengalaman mungkin. Wiser in some ways, but still foolish in most of em. Mahu padam rasanya empat tahun terakhir ni, but that means I have to forget the metaphorical series of hujan renyai during the metaphorical marathon. How unhelpful the rain was, I'm forever grateful. Kudos, my friends, my little drops of rain (figurative speaking here, again).

Mungkin semua di atas adalah satu tulisan yang berterabur but you can get the gist, right? It's metaphorical, so use a bit of your artsy part of your brain to decipher this soooo not artsy writing. This is awkward, so that's all bye.

Saturday, August 4

Me and You

I want to be more like You.
Kind and caring.
Composed and cool.
Funny and fun.

I want to be less like me.

But if that is the case,
Why do You still treat me so nicely?
Why the warmth?
Why the smile?
Why the attention?
Why the patience?

"Don't know why You love me. That's why I love you."  - Beyonce Knowles -

Thursday, June 21


Oh Tuhan, apa pilihanku?

Kalau aku ceritakan, nescaya aku berdosa kerana memburukkan dia.
Kalau aku luahkan, nescaya akan ada hati yang benci dan terluka

Dan andai,
Andai aku pendam, nescaya hilang pudar percaya dan harga diri
Andai aku diam, sakit jiwa menahan hina dan maki.

Oh Tuhan,
Yang Maha Adil,
Yang Maha Mengasihi hamba-Nya,
Yang Maha Memahami diri ini luar dan dalamnya;
tunjukkan padaku,
apa pilihanku?

Jadi malam ini aku menunggu jawab Mu
Akan aku bersabar satu hari lagi,
Tapi jangan Kau biarkan aku terus tertanya;
apa pilihanku???

Kerana hati ini kecil,
Iman ini nipis,
Sabar ini sejengkal

Monday, May 14


I'm like a kid around you

Get too excited to just about everything

I asked for unconditional love relentlessly

As if love is a lollipop in a candy store

I trusted you with all my heart

As if you are my favorite superhero

I went naughty throwing tantrums

When you're too busy and ignored me

I hold you so close

Like you're my favorite pillow

I closed the door and eyes so tight

When we argue and caught in a fight

Then I creep slowly back to you

Because forgiveness is so easy than losing you

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Sunday, May 13


Haruskah aku

Membuta mata

Memekakkan telinga

Pada jelik wajah dunia

Pada herdik pekik manusia

Memaksa aku

Membisu mulut dari menegur

Mengudung tangan dari melentur

Bila aku sendiri




Dan kudung

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Monday, May 7


I saw you yesterday

Looking all gloomed and frayed

Your feet fidgeted

Your body swayed

You must really want to leave

Yet your heart want to stay

I saw you again today

Biting your lips pulling your hair

At the exact same spot

The exact same parking lot

Just more fidgeting

Just more swaying.

So right now im walking

Slowly steady towards you

You can't avoid but noticing

That i am nervous too

So right now we're 2 feet apart

At the exact same parking lot

Switching glances of each others eyes

I said "Hi."

And you smiled.

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Sunday, April 29


Kalau api dibuat lampu

Terang tapi asapnya kelabu

Ikut hati ikut nafsu

Akal mati jiwa kelu

Kata kesat yang terhambur.

Lautan dalam mahu diuji

Kailnya sejengkal jorannya lidi

Ingin hati difahami

Pentingkan diri sendiri

Tak mahu pula memahami.  

Sinar mentari dilindung tangan

Datang awan sesatlah jalan

Jasa lama dilupakan

Hilang kawan dan pedoman

Jiwa beban sesal lah badan.  

Marah jangan diturut.

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Wednesday, April 4



Tak perlu

Buat apa-apa

Tak perlu aku kaubelanja


Tak perlu

Kata apa-apa

Tak perlu aku kaupuji puja

Asalkan kau tak malu

Untuk mengaku

Aku kawanmu

Sudah cukup baik bagiku

Cukup hanya itu.

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You hate it when I care about you.

But then you hate me for not caring about you.

Bravo *standing ovation*

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Thursday, March 29

Be Sure

I cannot lose you, you can be sure of that.

So no matter who's leaving who,

I'm the one who will suffer.

No matter what the reason is,

I'm the one whose regret is bigger.

Because I cannot lose you,

you can be sure of that.

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Tak tertahan lagi hati ini rasanya

Bila akhirnya kebenaran tersingkap juga

Bahawa aku ini sekadar anjing bagimu

Layak hanya dibaling batu.

Tak tertanggung lagi hati ini menahan

Bila telahanku ternyata bukan perasaan

Yang aku ini tak bererti walau sekelumit

Sehina dan lebih dari anjing tersepit

Entah kenapa hati ini terus meminta

Belas dan ihsan sedikit perhatian

Dari engkau kuterus berharap

Tak terjangka dilayan bagai anjing berkurap

Lalu hati ini berkata sudahlah

Anjing yang hina takkan jadi mulia

Mungkin lopak ini tak bisa menghilang dahaga

Cubalah meminta belas pelacur di sisi telaga.


Kaucuba nak jadi comel macam kucing

Tapi kau tak ubah seperti parasit alien

Layaknya disembur pestisid ciptaan homosapien.

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Friday, March 23


These days I cannot stop listening to Radiohead's Creep. The song just describes me so perfectly, I know the lyrics by heart.
 And the situation now that keeps bugging me...makes me listen to it with my heart churning. Every single time.
Then there's this cover of the song by Vega Choir. You probably have heard it on Social Network (story about Facebook).
That cover is just as powerful, I can cry if I want to.

 Yes I am a creep. I'm a weirdo. To all who hate, you see, I'm a human too.
I wished I was special.
 I longed for a perfect body, a perfect soul.
Like you have.
 But that just will never happen. And I'm sorry for that.
I truly am.

 P/S: Nurul Izzah is a huge fan of Radiohead.Well now you know.

Saturday, February 4


I used quite a large monitor attached to my laptop, since the laptop screen failed me; twice. *sumpah tak nak baiki dah*
So, when I changed the layout of this blog, what I had in mind was to have the robot to sort of holding the page of this blog.

It looked good.

Until I opened my blog from other people's laptop!
Because the average screen size of laptops are smaller than my monitor, I guessed I have been embarrassing myself with distorted layout for months now.

Why don't you people say something? *tutup muka*

Now, I have to start thinking of a new layout. This one is old anyway. So, wait and see :)

Friday, February 3

Flying Butter

I'm tired of missing.
I want to end this thing.

Just a little longer dear me,
You'll break out into butterfly oh so pretty.

Tuesday, January 24


Aku masih ambil kisah
Hal dirimu dan hidupmu

Aku mahu diwajahmu menguntum
lorek kecil senyum

Aku mahu kau ketawa
hingga terbit air mata

Aku masih kawanmu
Walau tak serapat dulu.

#RIP Bestfriendship
#LiveLong Friendship

Friday, January 6


Orang cakap, " If it's no good for you, why don't you just let it go?"

Apparently, letting go is easier said than done.