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NAJNAJAKIA BLURGG

Di sini aku coret,lakar,conteng,lukis,catat,tulis,leter,bebel,sindir,ukir,pahat,tekap,warna cerita hidup aku

Tuesday, December 31

House

I moved out to somewhere closer to my workplace. So Emak and my sisters came to visit my house. I think my house is pretty decent, and it can be awesome if you really look at it with an open mind.

The rent is considerably cheap since it's in Shah Alam. That includes air and api. Plus there's fridge, stove and washing machine. On top of that there's a flat HD TV with Astro Beyond for some astronomical high definition goodness (pun intended). There's internet too, although it would be awesome to have Unifi I have no complaint using the current continental-drift-slow Streamyx. Really, what more could I ask for?

But obviously, Emak has a lot more to ask for.

And this opinion of hers resonates with of my sis'. One step into the house, my sis said this house screams BUJANG. Well, in my defense I am. So there's that. Retrospectively, that's probably the first thing that crosses my mind too when I first stepped through the door.

And then there's this talk about natural “air flow”. Yeah, I pay my rent exactly for that. Airrrrr flowwwww. Come on. RM250 per month kot. I have one friend who pays RM200 per head per month per room he share with three other. Yup, that's four people in one room. Not a house, a room. Good luck getting the 'natural air flow' there. Even if you cannot find any natural air flow, you might be lucky getting some 'natural gas flow', if you count that as being lucky lah.

And then they commented on something about the sweet aroma of my house. About the musky smell of real men, real sweat, the odour of toughness from armpits so bushy that just won't quit. The fermented scent of manliness that seeps through every cracks and crevices of the house, signalling date-ability to every girl(s) next door living next door. So masculine that it resembles pheromone, it's like a calling to all the Jennys from the block. This house is like a laboratory of Axe deodorant only it requires no twist at the top, and lasts forever too not just mere 8 hours. An aroma so maleficently male, malevolently men, maliciously macho it send jolts of electricity to females olfactory sensory. I can't quite find a word that can describe the aroma, but according to my family it's universally known as... kepam.

There's more comments after that but eventually my family left, we go our separate ways with opinions on the house unresolved.

So the last time I met my sis, she told me that right after she left that day, her 5-years-old son asked her something.

"Ummi, kenapa Pak Su tak ikut? Tu rumah dia ke rumah kawan dia?"

"Tu rumah Pak Su lah..."

"Ye ke...Kesiannya. Rumahnya... buruk sangat."


Fin.

Sunday, December 22

Hate

I hated it when people are so careful around me.

I hated it when people are carefree,
when they are not around me.

I hated it when they calculated their action
because of my past reactions.

I hated it when I have opinions on everything
even when there's no one asking

I hated it when I’m too scared of giving opinions
because I used to have too many opinions.

I hated it when I cannot find the balance,
between talking too much and being too silent.

I hated it when I’m expected to be loud,
when it’s expected I’m most spiteful at my loudest.

I hated it.

I hate me.

Tuesday, December 17

Office

“Pinjam stapler boleh?” tanya aku, gugup.

“Apa dia?” balas Siti, matanya masih di monitor komputer.

Stapler tu...boleh saya pinjam?”

“Oh, ambillah, ambil. Setakat stapler tak payahlah mintak-mintak izin.” balas Siti sambil tersenyum, matanya terpicing, nakal. Pantas dia sambung menekan-nekan papan kekunci.

“Habis apa je yang kena mintak izin? Klip kertas? Kertas A4? Gunting? Gam?” tanya aku sambil mengepil kertas-kertas A4. Bergurau tapi sebenarnya nak tahu jugak.

Siti berhenti menaip. Kali ini dia badannya ikut pusing dengan jeling matanya.

“Amboi amboi amboi. Kalau sampai boleh senaraikan barang-barang dalam kedai stationery, takkan tak pandai nak beli sendiri?” Serius wajah Siti buat aku cuak. Kalau tak kerana decit tawanya selepas itu, boleh terkencing aku ditenung begitu.

“Orang main-main je la.” Sambung Siti lagi, mungkin sebab jelas terbaca perkataan 'CUAK' di muka aku.

“Ambil je. Bukan orang punya pun, company punya.”

“Oh, ada bagi eh? Saya tak dapat pun.”

“Orang dah lama kerja sini je dapat. Budak baru tak boleh. Bos tak bagi.” Jari telunjuknya digoyang ke kiri ke kanan. Matanya dibulat-bulatkan. Comel. Macam hamster.

“Macam apa?” tanya Siti mengejutkan aku dari lamunan. Damn, aku cakap out loud ke?

“Takde. Mana ada saya cakap apa-apa.” Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

“Eh tak mengaku pulak. Awak cakap macam hampeh kan, kan? Orang report kat bos, nak?”

“Mana ada la. Saya cakap macam...macam hipster.”

“Bos! Budak baru ni cakap bos macam hipster!”

“Oi!” Separuh menjerit aku mendengar gurauan Siti yang tak kena tempat.

Dari hujung pejabat terdengar bunyi daun pintu Encik Daud terkuak. Aku dah tak senang duduk. Aku buat-buat memandang monitor komputer, tapi dari hujung mata aku aku tahu Siti sedang tersengih-tersengih.

“Siapa yang cakap aku hipster?”

“Budak baru ni bos. Hahaha.” Kurang ajar kau Siti kenakan aku.

“Mana ada encik. Memandai je Siti ni.”

“Iya bos. Dia cakap tadi.” lawan Siti sambil terkekeh-kekeh ketawa.

“Aku tengok korang ni kan...macam couple dah. Bergurau senda. Usik-mengusik. Aku kahwinkan korang nanti baru korang tahu.” Encik Daud ketawa besar sambil berjalan ke pantri meninggalkan kami berdua.

Tawa Siti terhenti sejak mendengar gurauan Encik Daud. Aku beranikan diri menjeling sesaat ke arah Siti. Mukanya jelas merah padam di bawah cahaya lampu kalimantang yang menerangi ruang pejabat. Dia marah ke? Ke segan kena bahan dengan Encik Daud?

Ah sudah. Kalau merajuk habislah. Rajuk perempuan bukan boleh dibuat main. Takkan sebab Encik Daud aku yang kena pujuk?

Sekali lagi aku mencuri pandang Siti, kali ini sesaat lebih lama. Aku lihat badannya mengecil, jari jemarinya bermain-main dengan hujung kain tudung. Aku tak pasti betul atau tidak, tapi aku rasa aku nampak ada sedikit senyum terukir di hujung bibir Siti.

Sunday, December 15

Siti, Bad & Man

Bibir Man bergetar-getar. Penumbuknya digenggam sampai timbul urat. Pembuluh darah matanya jadi merah pekat. Hidungnya kembang kempis menahan marah.

Marah sungguh. Tak pernah aku lihat rupanya sebegini bengis.

Aku tepuk-tepuk dan genggam bahunya kiri kanan.

“Sabar,Man.”

Dia toleh dan jeling aku, lantas ditepis tangan aku, melayang.

“Kau apa tahu?”

Berundur aku setapak dua. Terkejut satu,takut pun ya juga. Man tak pernah sekasar ini dengan aku.

“Kau orang senang. Apa yang kau tahu?” serentak itu mata Man berkaca. Herot-berot mukanya menahan tangis.

“Apa ni Man? Kita dah lama kawan. Kau tahu aku tak kisah benda-benda macam tu.”

“Aku kisah. . Siti kisah. Mak bapak Siti kisah.”

“Man...” Mati bicara aku. Man bukan orang yang senang dibawa bincang. Dalam situasi begini lagilah.

Nak tak nak aku kena tolong Man. Tapi aku perlukan penjelasan. Aku seluk poket seluar mencapai telefon bimbit. Aku tinggalkan Man yang masih cuba mengawal tangisnya. Aku dail nombor pertama dalam senarai: “Awek Man Mxs.”

Dering pertama. Dering kedua. Dering ketiga. Klik.

“Hello, Siti. Ni Bad. Aku ada benda nak tanya ni.”

“Hello, Bad ya? Ni bukan Siti. Ni Mama ni.”

“Mama? Macam mana Ma dapat phone Siti ni? Siti mana?”

“Siti ke bilik air. Mama tengah ajar Siti macam mana nak masak favourite food anak Mama.”

“Jap. Siti kat rumah kita? Kenapa Mama ajar dia masak pulak?” Aneh.

“Alamak. Pecah rahsia Mama. Hahaha.”

“Rahsia? Rahsia apa Ma?”

“Bad kata Bad tak kisah kan siapa bakal menantu Mama? Jadi, Mama Papa setuju nak ambil Siti.”

“Maksud Mama, Mama nak kahwinkan Bad...dengan Siti?” Aku sangkakan aku berbisik, tapi mendengar suara aku sendiri di dalam telefon aku sedar aku lebih menjerit dari berbisik.

Aku berpaling mencari Man.

Man betul-betul belakang aku. Air matanya mengalir deras. Tapi ada sesuatu yang tak kena. Man menangis, tapi wajahnya bukan sedih. Wajahnya bengis, lagi bengis dari tadi.

Sebelum sempat mulut aku berbunyi, penumbuk Man yang digenggam erat dari tadi singgah tepat di pipi kiri.

Sunday, November 24

Mama Don't Preach

I need to feel like a man
Not for you to be my mom
I’m perfectly capable of living alone
But a better life with you along

But now I feel less like a man
And you a lot like my mom
Yes true that I do love my mother
But loving you like that is weird altogether

Maybe I come back when I’m more of a man
Maybe I come back when you’re less a mother
When you no more dictate today’s underpants
When you don’t ask did I take too short a shower

Baby, the rule is simple

I’m more of a man if you don’t mother me
You’re more my woman if you smother me.
With love I mean not endless nagging
With matrimonial love not maternal ranting.

Baby, I can be your baby
Please, just not too literally.

Tuesday, October 22

Dark Night

Take my hand right,
And hold on to it tight,
We will walk through the night,
Till we spot the first light.

Walk a little longer,
Because one step is another step closer,
Just a few more my dear,
Persevere, chase away the fear.

It’s so dark I know,come near
To my voice you follow,you hear
They’re slipping away from mine, your fingers
At my side you stay, I’m here,

Darling, where are you?
Hold still, I get you,
This will take me a moment,
Wait there please a second.

My love, can you answer me
Where are you, I cannot see,
There you are, you make me worry,
I left you cold and weary,
Oh darling I’m sorry.

Oh there darling ,
Can you  see the light, can you see it?
It’s so near now I can reach it,
Be patient my darling,
Soon our hands will stop shaking,
Soon our bodies will stop shivering,

And our hearts...stop beating.

Sunday, September 8

Vanila

Petang itu aku berjumpa dengan dia di pangkin sebelah padang. Berjumpa atas permintaannya. Jadi aku tahu ini mesti hal penting.

“Kenapa?” aku cuba memulakan.

Dia menoleh, kemudian kembali membelakangi aku.

“Panas kan cuaca sekarang?” balasnya dengan pertanyaan.

“Hmm.”

“Kau dah makan?”

“Dah.”

Sunyi kembali. Ah, aku benci begini. Kenapa mesti kau tanya soalan yang aku boleh jawab sepatah?

Dia berpaling. Tenung aku.

“Kenapa aku tanya kau jawab sepatah je?” soal dia bagai membaca apa dibenak aku.

“Sebab kau tak jawab soalan aku dulu.”

“Ha ha ha! Itu pun nak sentap.”

“Ha ha ha.”

“Kenapa kau gelak?”

“Eh. Sentap tak boleh, gelak pun tak boleh? Melampau.”

“Ha ha ha.”

“Jadi… kenapa kau nak jumpa ni?” aku mencuba lagi bertanya sebelum sepi menyusup masuk.
Dan dia balas pertanyaan aku dengan senyuman. Kembali tunduk merenung kaki.

You’ve gotta be kidding me.  Did you just ignore my question? Geram.

Pandangan kami teralih ke seberang padang. Ke arah dering loceng Uncle penjual aiskrim.

“Nak aiskrim?” tanya dia. Aku tunduk, diam.

“Kalau nak aku belikan.”

Aku terus diam. Rasakan. Taste your own medicine.

Dia bingkas bangun.

Dari hujung mata aku nampak dia kembali dengan sebatang aiskrim vanila. Sejurus duduk dia membuka pembalut aiskrim.
Kurang ajar makan seorang.  And since my favorite flavor is vanilla, and I know yours is chocolate; this is obviously an attempt to punish my silence.

Hampeh betul.

“Nah. Kau suka vanila kan?” sambil aiskrim dihulur ke arah aku. Wow, I didn't see that coming.

“Err…ha’ah. Thanks….kau…kau punya?” Aduh, rasa bersalah pulak. 

“Coklat takde. Makanlah.”

“Nasib baik vanila ada kan? He he.”

“Weh… kalau aku takde nanti…macam mana?

“Ha? Kau takde…tak merasa lah aku aiskrim free! He he.”

“Maksud aku kalau aku dah takde, kau macam mana?

Aku pandang muka dia. Serius.


Kali ini tiada senyuman. Kembali dia tunduk merenung kaki.

Saturday, August 3

Off The Grid

1. I've been thinking of going off the grid so many times. And every single time I set my heart to do so I found out that I just can't stop socializing.

2. Things like Myspace, Friendster, Yahoo! Messenger, Facebook and Twitter etc. always intrigued me. Being a selectively outgoing introvert (I'm just making things up here), cyber space suits me well to keep being the timid me around public and the mulut longkang amongst close friends.

3.Although as you can see those things die out eventually. Like who pakai Friendster anymore? When was the last time you post something on Facebook? Myspace lagilah, tak sempat nak set up account dead already. And YM (oh those days!) is basically replaced by Skype,FB chat, Whatsapp, Line, Kakao Talk and whatever lah that I don't bother to keep up anymore.



Ahh the attempt to revive Friendster

3.But my point here is (finally) I envy those who can restrain themselves to only use those things exactly like they should. More often than not that social networks that supposed to connect me with people are the very things that disconnect me from people. And do you realize how Facebook helps us to find out that we actually hate our 'friends' that we don't know we hate? So ironic that it should be called as Ironicbook instead, and Ironman should be Mark Zuckerberg not Robert Downey Jr.

4. I always say things I shouldn't in real life, and in cyber world where the use of exclamation mark to express excitement can be interpreted as shouting madly furiously emotionally irrationally, that 'things I shouldn't say' multiply to unimaginable result. Well, unimaginable at least not until a few moments after posting or tweeting.

5. Time always has its way of  proving that my opinion is wrong, my jokes suck bad (untuk contoh sila rujuk last line dari point 3), or articles I shared are hoaxes. Go open your Facebook or Twitter now (which I can safely assume are already open kan?) and check your previous statuses and tweets. Feel like killing yourself now don't cha? Mmm hmm.

6. I want to be off the grid in real life too. Although I defined myself as an introvert, I'm actually really annoyingly relentlessly an extrovert when it comes to hanging out with what little amount of friends I have. I honestly think I need a shrink because I have a serious problem of always asking people to keluar and lepak whenever I'm alone. Serious. #NoExaggerationHere

7. I blame that on being born and raised in kampung. Maybe not so much as raised in kampung as I'm raised in rubber estate. Like seriously my hometown and my mom's are both near estate then masuk boarding school pun dapat yang sebelah estate. I cannot catch a break! Being so kampung maybe I'm genetically wired to feel so 'excited' (God, what is the equivalent to jakun because now that's racist I cannot find the suitable word to use) to live the so-called urban life. But now dah besar baru sedar what's so 'urban' about going to mall and lepak at Mamak and McD pun anyway; and is that supposed to be called a 'life'? *insert disgusted gif here* 

8. What kind of 'off the grid' I want actually? Maybe like that uzlah thingy. I'm not sure of the real definition of uzlah, but I think it means pergi some really remote place where you know nobody and start over and find your true self. An Islamic version of Eat,Pray, Love if you will. Maybe a bit like that but not to that extent. Not that I don't want to but I don't have money to go such places and live by myself. Plus my mom would FREAK OUT.



9. Off the grid = Off the chart. Being so dependant on others for 20 years plus of my life, having the need to be around people all the time to fell secure. And urghh the feelings I feel in my heart and speculations I speculate in my head when people don't reply my text, or reply busy when nak jumpa...why am I being like this. Maybe if I just distant myself from people by going off the grid, maybe the quality of my life would be tremendously improved or maybe even off the chart.

I have to be better now that I'm almost a quarter of a century, so I need to challenge myself and to do so I need to be able to live alone and to really do that is to go... off the grid.


Sunday, July 28

Walking Dead

So you know Forrest Gump? The scene where he just abandoned everything and just...ran?
I feel like doing that now. I think I want to do that. I think I need to do that.

So you know Umar r.a? The time when he laughed and cried remembering how he buried his daughter alive?
I feel like that now. My body got confused as to what kind of response is appropriate for what I'm feeling.

You watched Fight Club? I never really beat anyone nor beaten up by anyone like in the movie.
I think I need a good beating right now. Heck,I would pay anyone to beat me up right now.

I am sort of empathetic now to those people who cut their wrist. 
Or those people who chose random faces to slam their fist.
Why people became an alcoholic. 
Or a drug addict.

Shouldn't I be worried of myself? 
Please tell me.
Because I dunno anymore


Thursday, July 25

Turtle

I feel like an old turtle
I dived too deep into the ocean
I forgot the last time I filled my lungs with air
I'm still too far from the ocean bed I dreamed to reach
And no where near the surface I desperately need to breath
I'm down to the last bit of O2.
I want to breathe out this CO2-filled lungs
But I know the vacuum will sucked in the H2O
Filling every voids with pain
What to do, what to do but to cry 
But crying feels a bit redundant now eh?
What's a few drop of tears to a vast pool of saltwater?

This entry is a joke.
I am a joke.
Ugly skin, flailing flippers, useless shell...
What could be funnier than a sinking upturned turtle, die trying to dream big?



"When you try your best but you don't succeed,When you get what you want but not what you need,When you feel so tired but you can't sleep,Stuck in reverse"

Sunday, July 21

Wishlist

When I have problems I know no one will care, Or too embarrassing for me to share,
At a time like this,
Having a best friend is all I wish.





Always wanted one, doesn't mean I deserved any.


Wednesday, July 17

Mea Culpa

I doubted You,
Like I have any rights to,
Although it seems like the right thing to do,
When my life came to a halt,
And I found no way to restart.

I ignored You,
A restrained rebel of a one-man riot,
Subtle like a cold treatment of young lovers,
My prayers were short and rushed,
Your words on the shelf collecting dust,
And what a year of that brought me,
But emptiness and misery.

Then I ‘get’ You,
I finally get You.
You are no government I can overthrow,
You are no lover I can ignore,
You are my creator,
Never a moment You need me,

Forever and always I need You!

Friday, July 5

Tidur Sewaktu Khutbah: Apakah Puncanya?

I first learn to sleep during a Friday sermon when I was 12 years old. I was in Form 1 in boarding school.

Before that, the idea of sleeping during sermon was unheard of.  Talking during sermon on the other hand make sense, because all your friends will be there. But sleeping? Why walk to a mosque and sleep? Why not skip sermon altogether and just go late for Friday prayer? You walk to a mosque to sleep in that God awful position to wake up just for a cramp in your leg?

Well, that’s basically the kind of questions I would ask IF I know the idea of sleeping during sermon exist, but no I didn’t.  I learn that idea when I first felt sleepy in a small mosque in Jelebu in 2002, where the Bilal’s azan was deafening and he a near-deaf old man. And oh boy no one in their right mind would even think to question the need to sleep at that point.

I blame the system for that guilty pleasure. You know how restless life in boarding school is. Your life is scheduled out of your will. Prep petang, prep malam, sabtu pun nak buat prep jugak. Beratur for breakfast, beratur for lunch, dinner, tea, supper. Beratur for jamban yang elok. Beratur for shower yang tak bertakung. Turun floor bawah sebab air takde. Lari turun floor paling bawah sebab takde air jugak. Beratur for water cooler. Beratur Berebut nak beli jajan kat koop. Penat beratur kena potong pulak dengan senior. Tengah nak bersenang-lenang ada pulak senior pow Maggi and worst yet soh masak Maggi (sedap ke Maggi perisa finger and spit tu bang?). Then there’s roll call before sleep (or during grrr). Lights off at 11PM no matter you have done your homework or not. And sneaking out at 12 am to iron tomorrow’s uniform (because ironing during the day means glancing out of the ironing room’s door and pray no more seniors will come to cut the queue). And there was bullying, fire drills, club meetings, riadah (read: duduk tepi padang ). I can go on but I think you get the point; I have no time to breathe let alone to rest.

So, the moment you set your foot in the mosque during Friday prayer, you search for a perfect spot to sit and doze off. Well, it doesn’t have to be perfect actually. You may sit right under the speaker, and as loud as he try, the Bilal cannot wake you with his azan. Everybody did this, minus the pakciks from the kampong. I tell you, if you sit at the furthest saf at the back looking ahead, the safs were pakciks in colourful Baju Melayu, followed by headless kids in white Baju Melayu, headless, headless, headless, aaaand  headless kids in white Baju Melayu.

As the sermon ends, and the Bilal standing with what effort left in him,breathing in what volume of air his lungs could breathe in, he shouted “saaaaaaaaap!!!”. And then, what happened was an almost perfect synchronization of heads growing out of headless kids, rising the dead like zombies (exactly like zombies really because you got an assortment of fat zombies, skinny ones, zombies that cannot stand – sebab kebas,if it was a movie it was really realistic) and all of that maestroed by the Bilal. Kudos to you pakcik :)


*Did you read the title in Mazidul's voice? You should. Unless you are Mazidul*

*I guess I need a few more post on the subject "boarding school" alone. Remind me to write that up*

Tuesday, May 28

Frenemy

There's no mistake when you signaled that you don't want me around.
It was your signature cocktail of hate, rejection, distance and disgust.
The unmistakable face contortion you displayed when I was a step too close into your invisible radius of comfort,
triggered an instantaneous reaction of mine, which you can't detect, because my reaction of choice is more endothermic than exothermic. I rather be mad at than to be mad. My poker face is really bad when it's bad, but when it's good you have no way of telling. I bet you never know what I'm feeling that time, didn't you?
Good, because I don't want to give you any satisfaction from your grand retaliation.
You bet underneath I'm hurt. Who won't after the unnecessary overly-amplified gesture of eff off?
I won't describe what kind of pain I've gone through for fear you might read this (no, I bet my life you won't) and gain instant pleasure from it, but let's just say such treatment coming from a person you consider a friend, the pain was bad.


But like pulling off a magic trick, I rose from the ashes as majestic as a flaming phoenix, 
I was so bright I swear you squinted your eyes, 
so hot that I remember seeing you taking a step back,
so unexpectedly I caught you off-guard. 
It may be my imagination, but it's my imagination and you know what, you can never take that away from me *flips hair*
 

But magic is nothing but a trick of eye. Miraculous to the audience, hard work to the magician. 
What I pulled off was no sorcery but I can assure it was as impressive as intricate system of ropes and pulleys, 
more of a play of physique than physics, 
more psychology than psychic. 
And when the curtains parted, I exuded the confidence of Houdini that I can literally feel confidence oozing out of my follicles. 


It was unexpected of me (from your standpoint at least). It was sweeter than revenge. It was a reversal. And you, my friend never prepare for reversal.A statement of "I don't need you, you need me."


You see, when people throw you out of their life like the butt of cigarette, a reversal is what you should do. Not revenge. Definitely not blaming yourself. If you yourself value yourself no more than a cigarette stub, than why would anyone expect more of you?


So what I did was proving myself (not you) that I can live happily even when our Venn diagrams don't overlap *o yeah math reference* And sure enough like a real gentleman you claimed you are, you decided to show off your own version of happiness around the selected few of your classy friends, but uh uh you are fooling no one because yours is faux happiness, mine is real.

And before long, someone that's not me had decided to redraw his Venn diagram. Huh.


p/s: This is one of the "what the heck did I write" entries which I decided to publish anyway because I spent so much time on it oredi. Muahahaha.


Tuesday, May 21

Ocean

It was brief.
A second of infatuation.
Followed by another second of hesitation.
Then the next by desperation.

It's just a gentlemanly gesture.
A kind help to a stranger.
But one thing set this one apart from the other.
That love was in the air.

It was obvious that love was in the air.
But I was engulfed by a monstrous wave of self-doubt.
The split second of hesitation drifted me miles away.

And in the vast ocean,
I am once again,
alone.

Sunday, April 28

Angkasa

Kadang-kadang kita terlalu rapat
Hingga terhijab cela dan cacat
Kita dan Bumi terlalu dekat
Ingatkan datar rupanya bulat

Kadang-kadang kita terlalu jauh
Terpisah dirindu, bersama dikeluh
Macam bintang dan matahari
Jauh menghias, dekat mencucuh

Kadang-kadang kita terlalu sama
Ketawa bersama, menangis bersama*
But our closeness is bound by the gravitation
Too close, we'll head for cosmic collision

Sometimes we are too very different
Any similarities wouldn't make much difference
We could admit it or pretend indifferent
That a wishful thinking's us not differ once




*sila sengih jika anda baca ini dalam suara Black. lulz
**as the title suggests, I want to make this a 'space' theme, but I messed up on the 4th what? rangkap?baris? idk. The point is, just no 'space' reference there.

Saturday, April 27

Probably

Never anyone ever told me about how hard life could be.
I probably even have the idea that things will be easier as I grow older.

How come no one ever reach me.
To tell me that I should brace for what's coming.
Not that it would help much, 
but some help nonetheless.

How can the adults just watch me,
Trying to figure out life.
Like they want me to see that life is an illustrated book,
When what exactly I'm looking at is an abstract paint.

Probably if they did help me,
It would not help much.
Or probably I'll refuse anyway.
Or probably I would chase them away.

*shrugs*



Wednesday, April 3

Life

At 23, I finally made peace with Life. Life was cruel and wild. It still is.

But just like anything wild, when we understand how it works,even the wildest beast can be tamed and before we know it, we're enjoying the ride on it's back.

I'm enjoying my ride now. I'm enjoying my Life.




If my Life is an animal, I would say it's a cat, maybe? 
Because I tamed Life alright but sometimes I do still have little problems, a bit stress out etc. 
That stress and problems -- that's my Life taking occasional s**t on the carpet.
I hate you Life, but I love you :)

Monday, February 18

Deria

Aku rindu untuk merasa sunyi
Aku kepingin merasa sepi

Kesunyian fizikal yang membungkam hati
Tetapi tidak kejam menikamnya mati

Kerana sekuat mana aku memejam mata
Kerana serapat mana aku menutup telinga

Deria rasaku tanpa izinku
Masih juga cuba menangkap bunyi dan warna

Selagi aku belum pekak dan buta
Pada rangsangan dunia
Selagi itulah aku tak mampu
Menafsir pesan-Nya

Belum lagi.



Saturday, February 16

Tegur

Aku rasa 
Aku teruk
Bila cuba
Untuk tegur

And there's two definition of tegur
and I'm bad at both.

Tegur type 1: hai-apa-khabar-nama-apa kind of tegur.
Tegur type 2: hoi-tak-elok-la-buat-macam-tu kind of tegur.

I tried to avoid both but to no avail because to tegur is inevitable.
Tegur type 1 is inevitable as a human.
Tegur type 2 is inevitable as a muslim.


Friday, February 15

Stereotype

The odds that people will ask this questions are little to none, but here's my answer script anyway:

Q: Sepanjang ko kerja, ada customer yang cerewet tak?
A: Ada. More than cerewetpun ada actually. Ce****

Q: Customer Melayu ke Cina yang camtu?
A: Dua-dua sama je. Pfffft.

Q: Yang paling ce****?
A: To date, customer Cina.

Q: Kenapa ko rasa camtu? Ko racist eh?
A: Tak, sebab customer aku paling rasa nak lempang setakat ni adalah Cina tu.

Q: Kalau yang buat camtu Melayu, ko rasa camne pulak?
A: Rasa nak lempang la =='

Q: Laki ke perempuan customer tu?
A: Ko nak tuduh aku sexist plak ke?

Q: Tak la, nak tau, dia laki ke perempuan?
A: Perempuan.

Q: Biasanya customer yang cerewet (or ce****) selalunya jantina apa?
A: Perempuan.

Q: Kenapa ko rasa camtu? Ko sexist eh?
A: #%$&$&$!!!

Q: Sorry sorry, kenapa ko rasa camtu?
A: Standard la perempuan nak mencari yang terbaik. Quoting my female, i repeat, female colleague, "Benang terkeluar sikit pun nak kecoh."

Q: Perempuan je ke camtu? Ada je lelaki cerewet gak kan? Sexist.
A: Aku tak cakap camtu. Ko tanya biasanya customer jantina apa yang cerewet kan tadi??? =='

Q: Eh ye eh, huhu... So, selalulah ko marah customer?
A: Tak pernah except yang customer perempuan Cina aku cakap tadi.

Q: Apa yang bezanya dengan customer cerewet lain? Yang ni buat apa dekat ko?
A: Customer yang lain aku boleh senyum and gelak-gelak lagi. Anti-stress technique aku memang senyum and gelak ye. Customer yang sorang ni tak mampu diselesaikan dengan anti-stress technique aku.

Q: Cerita la detail sikit.
A: Kalau nak tahu kena jumpa dan tanya aku secara personal.

Q: Personal la ni.
A: Bro, you are just a fig of my imagination, a made-up character so that I have questions to answer. You are me. you already know the answer. Tapi basically,for the sake of readers, dia layan aku macam kuli/hamba.

Q: Ko rasa patut tak ada stereotype yang customer Cina ni perangai camtu?
A: Tak patut, tapi untuk betul-betul menjawab soalan anda, mari ikuti perbualan saya bersama rakan sekerja saya yang berbangsa Cina.

Aku: Geramnya customer tiga orang tu!!! *Emak dengan dua orang anak*
Jashper: Customer Cina memang bab*... 
Aku: Tapi ada je customer Cina yang baik tau...
Jashper: Tapi yang baik itu sikit.

Q: Hmmmm....
A: Exactly.


p/s: sorry for the profanities

Friday, February 1

First

I don't exactly remember when it started because it was many years ago. It was a time when I believe I can live alone. I was fine by myself. I was fine with having friends I don't really like, or friends that I don't really hate but weren't so much alike. It was a life I wouldn't say fun but I believed livable. I was just, okay.

And then you came into my life. At first you were just like some background noise; I can hear you but I can still ignore. You smiled at me, you joked around, you asked me stuff about me. At first I refused to talk about myself, I never found myself interesting. Heck, I even hated myself. So when you ask me one thing about me, I will just give short,boring answer and asked you ten questions back. Was I curious about you or was just I being polite is a question that's becoming harder for me to answer. What was noise now was music to my ears.

But you were persistent. You don't give up asking me about myself. I started to open up, I believe you, I was hungry for your questions, your attention. You heard my every words, you processed every bit of information like it was an answer sheet for tomorrow's exam. If there were actually an examination for a Subject: Me, I'm sure you would pass with flying colours.

Never a day would pass without me thinking about you. You were a distraction, my personal sort of guilty pleasure. I found myself waiting for you. And everytime we met, we were in our own bubble. We were inseparable and separated from the whole world. It's like we placed ourselves on a darkened stage in a dark opera, the spotlight on us. We were floating with mist on our feet. It was surreal.

But it was too good to be true. And like any other good things, it ended. It felt so surreal just because it was unreal. What felt like a dark opera was actually the belly of a whale. What appeared like a spotlight was really just the flicker of a dying match. What we want to believe as mist was worse than cheap dry ice trick; it was sea water.
And it's drowning us fast.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. But anyway it's not what devastated me that one should ask but really it's how. We started so slowly and so smoothly that I progressively trusted you, but thing gets so ugly too abruptly that I scrambled for a place to hang on to. I don't know what went wrong until even today. My best guess was that you felt that everything about us was wrong, a sudden epiphany that slapped you awake from a deep sleep. While you made it to the surface, I was still in limbo. I don't know where was up or down. I cannot breathe nor see.

You made me believe in love. You made me believe that I need somebody other than myself. And then you decided to shove this down my throat: You don't need somebody else.

You see, it's not fair that you yourself started it and you yourself ended it. You gave me no choice at the beginning and leave no options to choose at the end. That's a load of cow crap.

Just like how Halimah Jongang had to accept that she is jongang, just like how Professor Snape had to accept that his love will never be requited, just like how Frodo had to suffer the load of The Ring, just like that I had to pretend that we were no more than just friends, well, less than that because I now cannot talk to you without feeling awkward, without you avoiding by not answering anything straight, without you becoming suddenly busy, without you taking the longest route just so we'll not bump into each other. The crappiest cow crap anyone ever throw at me. If there was any good thing that resulted from this is that I hated you more than I hated myself. That's a first in my life.

Today, what was background-noise-turned-music is not even a sound anymore. Halimah Jongang can always meet a dentist. Although not loved by Lily Potter, Professor Snape will always be love by muggles and sorcerers alike. And Frodo will always appear in the The Hobbit trilogy no matter how insignificant his role is this time around.

Excuse me for side-tracking towards weird cheap drama and epic movies anology. What I'm trying to say is I'm back to square one. C'est la vie. I already moved on. I am just, okay.

Friday, January 25

Cinta

Weird that
From 7 billion people
In this whole wide world

The only people
That I believe
I can be myself with
Talk my heart out to
Is none of them.

Weird that
The one that I believe most
Is not my family
Not my friends
Nor my best friends

He is whom I never met
He is whom I never talk to
He is whom I only read stories about

He is whom I missed
Though not at all times
But I missed nevertheless so dearly
That I cried.

He is my savior
"Take me from this cruel world," I'd say.
He is my tranquility
"You'll be okay," he would say.

He is the perfect being
He is the one I look up to

He is my love.

Muhammad.
Peace be upon you.





Monday, January 21

Superficial

I'm a munch-the-ice-after-the-iced-tea-is-finished kind of boy.
I'm a trivial-facts-giver kind of boy.
I'm a loud-on-the-social-network-silent-in-real-life kind of boy.
I'm a silent-with-strangers-but-annoyingly-loud-with-friends kind of boy.
I'm a plan-introducing-but-get-turned-down-most-of-the-time kind of boy.
I'm a yeah-why-not-when-asked-of-doing-something kind of boy.
I'm a want-something-but-will-not-tell-what-when-feeling-unhappy kind of boy.
I'm a look-out-of-the-window-when-travelling kind of boy.
I'm a trying-too-hard-to-make-people-laugh-that-makes-people-do-not-laugh kind of boy.
I'm a can-forgive-can't-forget kind of boy.
I'm a cry-when-watching-sad-movies-alone kind of boy.

Those are just something that I bet you don't really notice about me.
That's just my shell.
Some superficial facts about me.
The surface of me.

So if you don't know all those non-secret things about me, chances are you don't know who I really am.

And ultimately what's in my heart.

Please don't say you know me.

Just don't.

Friday, January 11

Tightrope

I'm walking on a tightrope.
A fine line that separates us.
And I'm walking slowly.

Because if I fall, I fall into you.
Because if I fall, I fall into the darkness.

You are my darkness.

Saturday, January 5

Senang

Senang buat lawak orang gelak.
Pakai baju perempuan, buat-buat pondan.

Senang nak dapat mandat rakyat.
Bagi habuan nak dekat pilihanraya, beri janji-janji manis segala.

Senang nak kata fesyen Islamic.
Pakai tudung singkat, pakai baju ketat.

Senang nak ramaikan program.
Panggil artis suara sumbang, wajibkan pekerja datang.

Senang nak dapat sokongan.
Putar isu basi, beribu-ribu kali dalam TV.

Senang nak patahkan lawan.
Korek rahsia dalam rumah, jerit dalam 'ceramah'.

Senang nak jatuhkan hukum.
Korek kitab cari 'fatwa', pakai ulama yang kena selera.

Senang ke?


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