Di sini aku coret,lakar,conteng,lukis,catat,tulis,leter,bebel,sindir,ukir,pahat,tekap,warna cerita hidup aku

Sunday, February 28


I still remember the day
It was raining heavily
Yet here we are together
Under the pouring rain
My hand holding yours
Yours holding mine

We held our hands so tightly
That our palms are dry
So tight that I can't breathe
For right now
I need no air more than I need You

With hands clasping
We walked blindly through the rain
Drenched and cold
To a place we don't decide
Because I'm right here at the place I should be
Right here on your side

Now let's run together
Because the rain was about to stop
Let's run under the next gray clouds
Because I need more of You
Because I need more rain to hold your hand

Scene : Two people, Rain and Gray Clouds
Soundtrack: Standing in the rain by Jamie Scott and Town

Friday, February 26


Rasanya aku tak pernah buat dia macam tu.Tapi sampai hati, susu dibalas tuba...

mungkin kerana aku begini,aku disangka mudah dipermain,diperbodoh,diperolok

tak sangka bila dunia memandang aku dengan jelingan yang sinis

dan aku mengharapkan lindungan dari dia

yang aku dapat hanya penghinaan yang maha dahsyat

bila kawan bukan lagi kawan

aku pulang pada keluarga

tapi bila keluarga bukan lagi keluarga

aku mati akal nak pulang ke mana

padan muka aku

ambik kau Naja

terimalah balasannya

note: aku balik awal ke kampus.sebab aku dah malas nak berbantah bertelagah di rumah. di sini biar aku sendiri. lagi baik dari ada company yang membengkakkan hati.

Rugi tiket rm 30++

Sunday, February 21


Are you sure you want to say that to me?
Are you really sure?
That you want your mouth to be ripped like
I'm peeling bananas
Now stop saying that

You know how I hate it
Now You saying it out loud
I'm not really sure You are

Aku benci jadi muda
Kerana yang muda
Selalu salah di mata yang tua
Jika tidak sentiasa

Pengalaman bukan diukur zaman
Pembarisnya bengkok
Lain manusia lain bengkoknya
Tapi manusia jenuh melurus pembaris itu

Aku dihina kerana usia aku
Kurang sedetik dua
Tiada wajar dan warasnya

Aku dihina luaran
Dalam ini yang terkesan

Aku pura-pura punya cengkerang
Yang buat lagi jelas aku hanya nyawa lemah dalamnya

Sekarang berhenti
Berhenti hina aku
Atau aku robek engkau macam kulit pisang

Tuesday, February 16


i'm afraid
if i write too much
nobody will ever done reading

i'm afraid
if i write too less
nobody have anything to read

it's a paranoia
it's a phobia
or it's just that i'm just -- afraid.

Friday, February 12

Father Forgets

Father Forgets

Listen, son:
I am saying this as you lie asleep,
one little paw crumpled under your cheek and
the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead.
I have stolen into your room alone.
Just a few minutes ago,
as I sat reading my paper in the library,
a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.
Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are the things I was thinking,
son: I had been cross to you.
I scolded you as you were dressing for school
because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel.
I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes.
I called out angrily
when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too.
You spilled things.
You gulped down your food.
You put your elbows on the table.
You spread butter too thick on your bread.
And as you started off to play
and I made for my train,
you turned and waved a hand
and called, 'Goodbye, Daddy!'
and I frowned, and said in reply,
'Hold your shoulders back!'

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon.
As I came up the road I spied you,
down on your knees, playing marbles.
There were holes in your stockings.
I humiliated you before your boyfriends
by marching you ahead of me to the house.
Stockings were expensive -
and if you had to buy them you would be more careful!
Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember,
later, when I was reading in the library,
how you came in timidly,
with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?
When I glanced up over my paper,
impatient at the interruption,
you hesitated at the door.
'What is it you want?' I snapped.
You said nothing,
but ran across in one tempestuous plunge,
and threw your arms around my neck
and kissed me,
and your small arms tightened
with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart
and which even neglect could not wither.
And then you were gone,
pattering up the stairs.

Well, son,
it was shortly afterwards
that my paper slipped from my hands
and a terrible sickening fear came over me.
What has habit been doing to me?
The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding
- this was my reward to you for being a boy.
It was not that I did not love you;
it was that I expected too much of youth.
I was measuring you
by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine
and true in your character.
The little heart of you
was as big as the dawn itself
over the wide hills.
This was shown by your spontaneous impulse
to rush in and kiss me good night.
Nothing else matters tonight, son.
I have come to your bedside in the darkness,
and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement;
I know you would not understand these things
if I told them to you during your waking hours.
But tomorrow
I will be a real daddy!
I will chum with you,
and suffer when you suffer,
and laugh when you laugh.
I will bite my tongue
when impatient words come.
I will keep saying as if it were a ritual:
'He is nothing but a boy - a little boy!'

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man.
Yet as I see you now, son,
crumpled and weary in your cot,
I see that you are still a baby.
Yesterday you were in your mother's arms,
your head on her shoulder.
I have asked too much, too much.
- W. Livingston Larned

Tuesday, February 9



My name is Misty
I'm only three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,

I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have
Made my daddy so mad?

I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.

I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long.

When I awake
I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.

When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.

Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse,
My name he calls,
I press myself
Against the wall.

I try and hide
From his evil eyes,
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping,
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.

He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream,
But its much too late.
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.

The hurt and the pain
Again and again.
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Misty
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.

[ one of the most memorable poem i have ever read. and it felt so real ]

Sunday, February 7

Valentine's for Vella

14 Feb
Tak sabar tunggu
Nak tengok
Ada x
orang yang kemaruk menyambut
Tanpa tahu sebab menyambut

Hari 14 aku nak tgk
Lebih banyak merah kah?
Atau lebih banyak hitam berlilit putih kah?

Friday, February 5

Hujan Petang

Soundtrack: I Go by Pete Teo
Scene : Hujan renyai waktu petang

Hujan-hujan petang macam ni buat aku teringat zaman aku kecik-kecik dulu. Senangnya hidup tak ada masalah, pagi petang bermain,kadang-kadang sampai kena turut dek emak yang dah mencekak pinggang, baru ingat balik rumah. Kalu dulu tengah main kat laman jiran,dengar je bunyi hujan dari jauh,semua lari macam toyol, “Lariiiiiiiiikkkk!!!!! Hujan kejar kitaaaaaaa.......!!!!!”

Ingat benda-benda remeh macam ni,buat aku senyum sorang-sorang. Kalau kecik dulu, kalau Kakak tak jerit, “ Doremon nak start!!!!!!” selagi tu lah tak balik. Budak kecik,sembahyang Maghrib bukan agenda yang perlu difikir. Dalam kepala,sikit-sikit Doremon,Ultraman,Power Rangers, Tomatoman etc. etc... Rasa nak balik semula zaman gemilang kanak-kanak ni. Dalam hati takde kotor,apa yang dirasa itulah yang dikata dan dibuat. Tengoklah budak-budak kalau gaduh, sekejap je lupe dan baik semula. Umpannya kadang-kadang hanya main guli atau nyorok-nyorok.

Kalau zaman kecik dulu, pergi kedai mesti tak miss beli kuaci yang dalam dia ada kertas tulis 20c,50c..tapi biasanya thank you je selalu dapat. Kalau bukan kuaci menipu tu, mesti beli ais krim itik,bungkus die guna kertas. Perghhh,kalau dapat makan aiskrim itik, tahap dia macam merasa Magnum,tak pun Cornetto...tapi mimpilah nak dapat,kadang-kadang aiskrim Malaysia pun jadi. Apalah budak kampong nak berbelanja besar untuk nikmat 4-5 minit tu.

Hujan tak berhenti lagi. Kalau kecik-kecik dulu, mesti dah keluar senyap-senyap main hujan. Duduklah dekat alur air hujan,buat empangan guna tanah,tak pun batu. Ehm, aku boleh ingat lagi sejuk air hujan menjirus kepala aku,jatuh dari atap rumah masa buat empangan. Dah macam memerang dah sekor-sekor. Kadang-kadang kalau hujan renyai-renyai,dan ada kelkatu keluar dari busut, lepak kat bawah pokok jambu air depan rumah, tengok burung layan-layang kejar dan jamah kelkatu yang terbang lemah dibasah hujan. Ehm..ingat ni,buat aku rasa syahdu. Pemandangan burung-burung yang terbang rawak begitu,entah bila aku boleh rasa lagi.

Sejuk benar rasa bila hujan begini. Kalau kecik-kecik dulu,aku akan duduk atas tangga dekat dapur, tengok emak masak. Untung-untung hari ni dapat bubur kacang panas, kalau takde pun,biasa mak buat kopi atau teh. Buat cicah biskut lemak. Karate jadi terbelah dua,cicah dalam kopi. Panasnya air lawan hawa sejuk hujan,aku tak boleh lupa. Tapi ada satu yang aneh tentang kopi. Kopi terbaik adalah kopi jiran aku. Masa kecik-kecik bila emak bertandang ke rumah jiran,akulah pengikut setia emak. Kopi buatan jiran untuk emak,aku hirup dulu dalam piring kaca. Entah apa yang jiran aku letak sampai aku rasa sedap sangat. Tapi jangan cakap benda lain, emak aku juara masak-masak ni.

Tenang betul dengar rintik hujan. Sebab aku teringat emak. Biasanya kalau hujan, emak tak bagi bukak TV,takut kena sambar petir. Biasanya suram je suasana rumah, sebab huajn paling best kalau lampu tak dibukak. Tenang. Sambil tengok dari beranda, aku selalu leka mengira-ngira tak bernombor bilangan air hujan. Kadang-kadang kakak-kakak aku selalu bercerita sesama sendiri bila hujan. Aku hanya dengar tak faham dunia dewasa. Dan waktu hujan begini, emak akan duduk dekat bilik belakang, sambil lipat baju-baju yang sempat diangkat dari sidaian. Leka aku tengok emak. Aku masih ingat betapa aku sayang emak aku. Tapi sekarang, kawan-kawan dan duduk berjauhan buat aku lupa kasih aku pada emak.Peluk dan ucap sayang pada emak,sudah menjadi kekok aku tunaikan.

Memori air hujan menimpa jalan tanah merah buat Aja ingat pada Emak. Emak, Aja anak Emak. Aja sayang Emak.

Thursday, February 4

Aku Berusaha lalu Aku Gagal

Apa yang aku kejar
Semua bertempiaran lari
Semua yang aku impi menjadi ngeri
Semua yang aku rancang tak menjadi

Aku tak mahu kejar lagi
Aku tak mahu mimpi lagi
Aku tak mahu rancang lagi

Biar masa yang menentukan
Biar saat yang membezakan
Biar malam yang menghilangkan
Biar siang yang menerangkan
Biar angin yang membawa
Biar ombak yang melayar
Biar air yang menujah
Biar burung yang berkata
Biar tanah yang menetap
Biar ruang yang menyaksi
Biar pokok yang mengikat
Biar manusia yang melakon
Biar aku menghabis
Biar aku mengeluh
Biar aku membisik
Biar aku menjerit
Biar sahaja matahari terbit
Biar penat biar sakit

Aku akan kekal di sini
Biar aku
Tak merancang
Tak bermimpi
Tak mengejar

Wednesday, February 3


Jalan ulang alik
Pikir ulang kali
Stadi ulang kaji