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NAJNAJAKIA BLURGG

Di sini aku coret,lakar,conteng,lukis,catat,tulis,leter,bebel,sindir,ukir,pahat,tekap,warna cerita hidup aku

Saturday, November 27

Sakit

Urgh!
Entah mengapa datang rasa mengalah
Bila yang menguji hanya helaian kertas
Selebar dua telapak

Mungkin tak keruan kerana teringat ujian yang pertama
Hingga melarat ke ujian kedua
Ah! Kalau asyik diingat-ingat memang begitu gelojak hati
Meragu jawapan yang dahulu
Hingga terganggu jawapan yang baharu
Bukan aku tak bisa mengulang ingat pesan ibu,
" Usah dibincang jawapan peperiksaan!"

Ibu, masalahnya ini dunia ramai manusia bijak-bijak
Rasanya satu kepuasan agaknya mereka mengulang jawab dengan suara
Melihat mereka tersenyum lebar keluar dewan sudah buat aku lemah
Dengar sahaja satu patah kata dan angka
Aku tahu aku screwed-up
Bukannya aku suka berbincang jawapan wahai ibu
Dalam kumpulan belajar saja aku cukup malas
Tapi telinga ini bukannya semacam mata wahai orang tuaku
Boleh dikatup tutup sampai tak terdengar suara
Cupingan telinga ini kelopaknya keras menguatbunyi suara perbincangan
Tak mampu aku melentur bagai kelopaknya mata

Kalau aku menutup telinga dengan tangan
Apa pula kata mereka?
Emosional
Ambil perasaan
Melampau
Annoying
Heh, pengalaman aku dihina waktu nerdish di sekolah dulu
Cukup agaknya dijilid jadi buku guide buat ganti buku panduan sekolah
Jadi itu buat aku jadi hati-hati bila bereaksi
Nah! Hasilnya aku jamahkan saja audio-audio busuk
yang frekuensinya menghina jawapan aku yang tadi beriya kucoret
yang amplitudnya tega mencucuk gegendang
Ranap terus harapan~ dan juga tumpuan
Hoi! Apakah rasionalnya mengup-date blog awal malam begini
Walhal esok terketar-ketar lagi menjawab, menekan mesin kira-kira
Walhal esok terdengar-dengar lagi manusia-manusia bijak
Mengira betul salah jawapan dengan sekadar mencongak

Wednesday, November 17

Fikir

Aku rasa macam bersalah pulak bila tak balik beraya. Alasan aku tak balik- Study, Exams dah dekat.
But, looking back for the past few days, I didn't really get anything academical inside of my head. Rasa semacam ada sesuatu yang yang menyumbat salur masuk ilmu dari buku ke otak.
Macam oksigen masuk dalam peparu, tapi macam segan-segan pulak nak masuk di celahan hemoglobin darah.
Too many distractions I think. Hell yeah too many.

Sesi luahan rasa.Ehem-ehem.

How would you feel if someone that you cared about disappoints you? Continuously. Intentionally. How would you feel, how would you react?
You calculate your every move so that one person will not be dissappointed by you. You calculate your every move even to an extent where you want that person to be happy. But this one person simply disappoints you with unthinkable remarks, unbelievable acts of ditching, hurting, disappointing you- continuously,intentionally. Macam bagi susu, dibalas tuba rasanya.
Simply bagi tuba.Continuously. Intentionally. How would you feel?

I tell you what I feel. It makes me wonder, " What did I do wrong?" That's a bad feeling I tell you. When you start to blame yourself- that's sucks.

When I realized I did nothing that wrong to get that kind of treatment, I'll reach my next phase: Anger. Oooh this one is totally not cool. Totally. This is the time where I felt gushes of blood into my face, when I see that one person. This is where mistakes happen. The kind of mistakes that almost irreparable. Like scolding, face-punching and stuff. This is when you should sit if you are standing, lie if you are sitting.

Next, there's a phase called "REVENGE". This is one huge crappy feeling that come into you like setan. When this one person can't get the message - "Hey, I hate what you did last time, I forgive you, but please don't do it again" - that's when REVENGE took over you. Just like setan, REVENGE is playing cosplay. It can be as subtle as 'The Silent Treatment'. (Tak tau? This is a strategy where you play indifferent to what ever this one person do. Cakap tak, tegur tak. Nothing. The pedih-est treatment ever.)
Or REVENGE will take it's fullest form: get physical. Macam gunting all stuff in that one person's wardrobe ke, or infecting the hate to another kawan ke... That's how bahaya REVENGE is.

Luckily,this one person didn't get any of that. OK. Maybe sikit. Seriously, I am a good friend, but a really bad-ass enemy. Hanya iman senipis kulit bawang ini je la beza antara kena pelempang dengan tampar sayang.

Soalan bonus: Kawan yang selalu disappoint kita ni, boleh kira kawan jugak ke eh? Sekali-sekala kira boleh maap lagi ye dak?

Nota kaki: Post ini tiada kaitan dengan sape-sape. no one but my own pengalaman. Jangan mandai-mandai buat andaian. Huhu.

Monday, November 15

Runtun

Ah hati yang kotor ini meronta-ronta lagi mengingati kamu. Tak pernah sedikitpun api rindu padamu padam, malah meliuk pun tidak.

Ah hati yang dikarat dosa ini mengharap dikifarah Tuhan. Takut terus reput rapuh sampai lupa padamu, patah terjelepuk tak terpangkin.

Ah hati ini kian lemas dengan sandiwara satu purnama. Rimas dengan hujan pilu yang merenyai bergerimis, sejuk saja tak mampu tertahan.


Ah kepala ini teruji lagi akalnya dek rasa ingin pulang. Tak sanggup kiranya mengguris hati sang tua yang menunggu, apa aku berdosa apa aku derhaka.

Ah saudaraku yang selalu amat aku rindukan. Tak sanggup lagi hati ini meneka kemana kau pergi, bila yang tinggal hanya jejak perasaan.

Ah apa adakah manusia yang aku bisa percaya, yang sedia mendengar dan bertanya khabar hatiku, kerana yang ada merasa terlalu bersalah mengintai hatiku.


Ah Tuhan! Aku perlu teman untuk kucerita semua ini!

Friday, November 12

Lupa

Sudah hitam agaknya hati ini
Sudah acap dikambus dosa
Sudah kelam agaknya dikabus dengki
Sudah kerap dihambur dusta

Sudah selalu sangat
Sampai terlupa tak ingat

Monday, November 8

Datang

Kau hadir dalam jagaku
Tanpa pernah aku memanggil
Mungkin kurindu kamu bawah sedar akalku
Atau mungkin aku yang kau rindu

Kau hadir tika kulihat anak kecil ketawa
Hadir juga tika angin petang bertiup lembut
Bagai rohmu menyatu dalam jasad dunia
Setia lagi menghampar kasih,menghilang takut

Getar sejuk bayu petang itu mengalir dari urat leherku
Terus menekan jiwa batinku, tersedu aku dengan tangis tak berlagu
Apa irama yang harus kupilih,
Bila masin air mata hanya menambah pedih

Teruskanlah kauhadir dalam hidupku, mimpiku
Teruskanlah kaudatang merobek lagi luka hatiku
Andai kepedihan saja yang mengingatkanku padamu
Aku rela ditoreh lagi seribu luka

Anak kecil itu masih tersenyum dan ketawa
Angin bayu itu masih mengalir di celah leher dan rambutku
Engkau masih datang dalam hati dan jiwa
Menabur lagi belerang pada luka hatiku

Ya Allah! Rindunya aku pada dia!!!

Friday, October 29

Books and Coaches

Were you the one I saw waiting at the bus stop?

Or the one I caught looking while I shop?

Or were you the glimpse I saw disappearing behind the wall?

Was that your number in all those strange missed calls?


Was that your eyes I saw between books and novels

When I go through those library’s bookshelves?

Were you the one who said sorry to me

For cutting the line because you need to hurry?


Were you the one in that late night train?

One that was wet of the relentless rain

Could you be the one I saw in the crowd crying?

One that held a crumpled paper with hands shaking


I know we’ll meet someday,

Be it a rainy night or a sunny day,

I know we’ll meet somewhere,

Be it the final train or the next book fair.


I don’t who, when, where

But this I’m sure: I’ll be there.


p/s: Sorry sebab banyak posts seemed to be too personal lately.... Well, I'm back!

Thursday, October 21

Intai

Semalam aku intai langit. Cari bintang cerah sebelah bulan. Itu Musytari. Terang tak termalap cahaya bulan, bersinar memantul kuasa mentari. Hantar mesej ringkas pada kakak, "Nak tengok Musytari?"
Berbalas-balas mesej ringkas berkali-kali kerana kakak masih tak jumpa bintang cerah. Sini juga nampak walau jerebu. Masakan tak terlihat cahaya terang aneh. Tak percaya agaknya Musytari bisa lihat terus guna mata kasar. Jumpa akhirnya. Sama-sama suka lihat Musytari.

Satu mesej sampai. "Terdetik hati aku nak bagitau Iwa...Hmm.rindu Iwa.."


Kuintai langit, kulihat kamu

Tuesday, October 19

Iwa. Ketawa. Belasungkawa.

Aku ketawa kuat-kuat
Aku senyum luas-luas

Adakah aku pura-pura
Atau aku memang gembira?

Jangan sesiapa tanya aku
Aku benar-benar tak tahu

Gembira mungkin
Lupa kamu,tidak

Wahai adik
Ketawa suka senyum aku
Bermakna aku teruskan hidup
Bukan sudah lupa aku pada kamu
Kain hitam dan ketayap putih
Biar jadi ingatan padamu
Biar jadi pengubat rindu

Kita jumpa juga nanti
Tunggu aku

Bila aku tayang kasut raya Converse warna biru...
Aku: "Iwa,hehehe..."
Adik: "Kenapa tak beli warna hitam?"
Aku: "Hitam?urgh..."

Adik...kau bagai sudah tahu (",)

Saturday, October 9

Faham

Aku percaya
Tiada satu batang tubuh manusia pun
Yang faham sesungguhnya
Isi hati
Rasa hati
Perasaan hati
Hati aku

Luka di kaki kiri
Tak mungkin kanan merasa

Mereka boleh menangis sehabis mungkin
Tapi berjurai jatuh pun tak mungkin merasa
Pedih dan sesak menahan nafas
Dengan dada luka terbuka

Kerana itu
Aku berpaling pada Tuhan
Yang mendengar, betul-betul mendengar
Yang simpati , sebenar-benar simpati

Tak pernah aku kecewa menghampar derita padaNya
Tak pernah beralih sedikit pun,
Biar panjang berjela aku mengeluh padaNya

Tak pernah berganjak sedikit pun
Biar tak teratur baris ayat
Dengan hela, esak dan sedu

Tuhan jangan Kau tinggal aku sendiri


[terima kasih buat teman yang cuba memahami. Tuhan saja pembalas jasamu.]





"Bila kau pula nanti terluka nanti, fahamilah bahawa tak mungkin aku faham semuanya,
Ceritalah padaku, tapi bicaralah sama Tuhanmu"

Friday, October 1

Mimpi

Lama tak call rumah.
call Emak.
Tanya pasal Adik.

Tadi mimpi tengah call Emak.

Lain macam.
Rumah sounded so different.

Tak sedap hati.
Ada bad feelings.

Gotta call ASAP. Stat.

Tapi orang cakap, mimpi mainan syaitan.
Orang cakap, mimpi is the opposite of what's gonna happen in reality.


Emak, pasang volume ringtone handphone kuat-kuat eh.
Esok Aja nak call.

Expecting good news. It has to be good.

Wednesday, September 29

Kadang

Kadang aku tersadung,
Kadang aku mengeluh,
Kadang aku meraung,
Kadang aku mengaduh

Kadang aku tajam,
Kadang aku bodoh,
Kadang aku diam,
Kadang aku seloroh,
Kadang aku pendam,
Kadang aku rapuh,
Kadang aku geram,
Kadang aku patuh,
Kadang aku pejam,
Kadang aku tempuh,

Antara kadang dan selalu,
Aku bukan itu,
Itu bukan aku,
Aku antara dua,
Tak mahu memilih satu.

Tak perlu semua itu,
Biarlah kamu keliru,
Kerana antara kadang dan selalu,
Aku sudah kenal siapa aku.


“Dunia mahu kau berubah, kerana mereka percaya kau tak mampu mengubah dunia. Stupid.”

Monday, September 27

Mesej

The kind of SMS's that I prefer not having...

  1. "Esok ada perjumpaan/program etc. ...Sila hadirkan diri..." Esoknya: Tukang mesej tak datang.
  2. Unreplied messages.
  3. Too-little-too-late replied messages. Contohnya: "Aku nak pergi bilik kau ni.." Bila dah sampai," Weh aku tak ada kat bilik la.Sori..."
  4. "Mahukan video hangat awekz2 cun...SMS LAYAAAAAN... ke 28843"
  5. " RM 0.00... 1Malaysia..."
  6. "You have insufficient Airtime balance. Please reload your account..."
Siapa yang suka, iya tak?

Thursday, September 23

Graviti

Kadang-kadang aku lupa

Aku hanya manusia
Aku leka melompat bangga
Atas kejayaan yang tak sengaja

Aku hanya lelaki
Aku tegar meludah ke langit
Atas kegagalan yang dirancang sendiri

Aku hanya hamba
Aku ingkar sang pencipta
Atas alasan dunia yang direka-reka

Aku lupa berjalan terpasung aku di Bumi
Atas kerana diciptaNya graviti




sekuat mana aku melompat, aku akan jatuh juga,
aku akan sendiri terhina,bila ludah kembali ke muka

Monday, August 23

Warna

Bila hidupmu pilu
Ambillah sekotak pensel warna
Mula conteng sesuka hatimu
Tapi sebelum itu
Campak dahulu yang warna kelabu

Bila hidupmu ceria
Cabutlah kasut dari hujung kaki
Berlari ringan di atas rumput
Baring sendiri menatap langit
Diam. Dan hirup udara sepenuh dada.

Bila hidupmu sunyi
Lari ke taman sambil menyanyi
Duduk dan perhati
Kanak-kanak berlari
Mengejar buih warna pelangi

Then monotonous,now coloured.

Monday, August 9

Wanita

[ini juga adalah misi menge-post posts yang menyawang dalam laptop]

Wahai Wanita,
Anda perlu kuat seperti akar semalu,
Walau halus tapi luas dan rapat mencengkam bumi,
Anda perlu sedia seperti sedianya semalu,
Tajam berduri mempertahan diri
Anda perlu ada malu seperti daunnya semalu,
Tahu menguncup,perlahan bila malam menjelma,
Tahu menguncup,laju bila ada menyentuh.

Wahai Wanita,
Tutuplah tubuhmu sebagaimana patutnya.
Kerana hati lelaki bergetar cukup dengan memandang bayangmu.
Wahai wanita,
Tutuplah tubuhmu sebagaimana dituntutNya,
Kerana Tuhanmu tahu indahnya penciptaanmu lebih lagi dari kamu tahu.
Wahai wanita,
Andai kamu sudah menutup dirimu,jagalah pula tingkahmu,
Kerana gelak tawamu umpama gemersik lagu,
Lagak gayamu umpama pelangi berwarna seribu,
Yang bisa membuat lelaki warak menatap dan menoleh,
Yang bisa membuat lelaki jahat menggetap dan meleleh.

Wahai Wanita,
Janganlah kaubiarkan mudah lelaki untuk menyentuhmu,
Sebagaimana tak mudah kaubiarkan dirimu dicerai dan dimadu.
Wahai Wanita,
Tunjukkanlah kesukaanmu dengan bersama setuju nikah dan mahar,
Bukan dengan bersama setuju belajar dan keluar.
Wahai Wanita,
Janganlah kau terlalu suka sang arjuna gembira denganmu.
Kerana gembiranya dia kerana mendapatmu,
Bukan kerana mahu terus memilikimu.

Wahai Wanita,
Bagaimana kaubisa nanti cerita pada puterimu,
Tentang kisah bermula cintamu pada ayahnya,
Kalau ingatan cinta yang ada hanya sudah bersulam dosa.
Wahai Wanita,
Jangan kaugundah tidak berpunya,
Ingatlah bahawa akhir jodohmu sudah tertulis di Luh Mahfuz,
Sekarang kau hanya perlu melakar jalan ceritanya

-Dedicated to my 6 sisters and all Muslimah-

[ilham Solusi by Telaga Biru and Allah of course]

Saturday, August 7

Kalimah Lima Huruf

[ini adalah misi menge-post posts yang menyawang dalam laptop]

CINTA

Cinta sejati.
Cinta yang di antara dua itu,
Ada Tuhan dan keberkatan.
Cinta yang kekal ada,
walau harta sudah tiada,
Cinta yang buta,
Pada kedut dan hitam rupa.

Cinta palsu.
Cinta yang di antara dua itu,
Ada Syaitan dan Nafsu,
Cinta yang banyak mimpi,
Sama banyak dengan manis janji,
Cinta yang kalau ditalak tiga,
Tak mungkin laku untuk dibicara.
Cinta yang lagi banyak sentuh tangan,
dari patuh pada Tuhan.

Cinta itu sejati,
Kalau sentuh sayang,
Batal wuduk,dapat pahala.

Cinta itu palsu,
Kalau sentuh sayang,
Batal wuduk,dapat dosa.

Cinta sejati.
Bila berpegang tangan.
Andai berjumpa Rasulullah,
Terus lepas pegangan,
Sebab nak lari ke Rasulullah kerana rindu.

Cinta palsu.
Bila berpegang tangan.
Andai berjumpa Rasulullah,
Terus lepas pegangan,
Sebab nak lari dari Rasullulah kerana malu.

-Peringatan untuk aku. Aku. Aku. dan kamu-

Hurt

I’m sorry that I hurt you.
All the ignorance and silence,
Are as hurtful to me as they do onto you.

I’m sorry that I hurt you,
It’s just that I need some proof,
That your attention isn’t some kind of joke,

I’m sorry that I hurt you,
I live so long hating myself,
How am I suppose to believe that you are true,

I’m sorry that I hurt you,
Your tears and weary stares,
Gain me nothing but pain.

I’m sorry that I hurt you,
When I hurt you,
I hurt myself.

Saturday, July 10

An Imaginary Ex

If anyone ever ask me
How you did you cope with it
I would say I didn’t
Because at times
You’re still in my mind

While watching your favourite show,
While walking at places we both know,
Or while listening to your playlist of songs
That I can’t erase from the iPod and phone

How can I ever forget you
When all I see is you
The pencil that you gave
The shirt that you chose
The stall that you suggested
The book that you wrapped

There are times when I don’t know myself anymore
I don’t know whether my dislikes are all my dislikes
Or some of them are yours
I don’t know whether my favourites are all mine
Or are they all yours

So the next time you post your status on Facebook
Or when you upload pictures that you took
You can be sure that I care to look
Yet I have no courage to say ‘Hi’ or to poke

Those final days were hard
But now it’s even harder
What should I do
When I saw you at the ATM
Or at the cafeteria on 9 AM
Should I smile and say hi?
Or should I talk a little and say goodbye?



[written above is fictional stuff, since I have no iPod,and I never poke no one,and have no ex....written with few truth.very few actually]

Wednesday, June 23

World Cup: NewWorld, NewCult

Truth be told, I have no interest what so ever towards the so-called the best sport in the world; football.
I still remember calling a friend a poser just because he showed interest in football during World Cup 2006, when he don’t even raised an eyebrow upon hearing the word ‘EPL’ etc. etc. before.

My prejudice towards this sport started as early as I can remember the smell of freshly mowed grass on my primary school field. Oh, only God knows how I hate changing into my PJ outfits. Heck, I even hate the whole day if I ever came across the word ‘PJ’ on the schedule. The commotion in the morning to pack the clothes, the muddy field due to last night’s heavy rain, the sticky sweat on my back that will bother me until the last ring of bell; the thoughts were just the perfect breakfast to ruin my day from the very morning.

Then the real terror began. More terrorizing than the muddy football field: play football. Having no motor skills, lack of mind-body control, and constant thoughts reminding myself to keep my socks dry are the recipe for disaster, even before the whistle blows. Known to all for not having both interest and skills needed in the game, I was always placed near the goal line where I was either the goalie or the defender. In both cases, I sucked. The only reasons I was given such positions are they required less dribble, and more gut (which I didn’t have that much either).

It was normal to me to stay away from the opposing team’s half of the field. A lot of time I found myself sitting on the field, playing kemuncup, or chanting and praying the ball from getting close to my half of field. My ignorance to the game was at the same degree of theirs towards the rule of offside. I also found myself being the last to stepped down the stairs to the field, just so that I have no chance to play the crowded game (as if I want it). Having numbers of bullies as the main players/ teacher’s favourite didn’t help that much of the football’s reputation either.

All of these didn’t mean that I never tried to love the game. In fact, I tried hard. But an evening of football with majority of boys 2-3 years older than me gave me no chance to add any skills that I lacked, ones that will catapult me from the typical ‘kaki bangku’ positions. So much of playing for the sake of playing, when all they want were winning. So, my having no tolerance towards the sport continues through my adolescence- where I found much more people having the same stand as mine. LOL.

But all of a sudden, well not that sudden- for the last couple of years, I had gained back the momentum to kick a ball that I never had for years. The birth of futsal that requires no dipping my feet in after-rain muddy field and no strict requirements on the right shoes gave me the confidence to play it, “just for fun” – quoting from many professional football players. But that’s not all. Having supportive and in-the-same-shoes kind of new friends in varsity also boost (LOL!) my will to play. For once, I have the chance to play among people of same age that I know and will not judge but to help me play right. It’s not like I aim at going professional, just good enough to have fun kicking or more importantly; to not to be laughed at.

So now it never surprised me to find myself watching football while sipping teh tarik; something I would never even think to have two years back. It’s good to be able to response when the topics at the back of newspaper were brought up. It’s good also to talk and argue (and win!) about offside rule with my dad when Portugal scores a ridiculous seven goals last night. I might make myself pathetic writing this down, but who cares?! It felt good to share.

P/s: I said ‘muddy’ too much, didn’t I? What’s ‘lecah’ eh in English?

Sunday, June 13

Aku Dewa

Andai aku dapat memejal bayang
Andai aku bisa menggolek segi
Andai aku mampu menyatu debu
Andai aku kuasa menegak lintang
Andai aku boleh menggelap cahaya

Tapi aku tak boleh,
aku tak kuasa,
aku tak mampu,
aku tak bisa,
aku tak dapat.

sedang cukup payah merentak degup jantung,
sedang cukup lelah menetap lebar langkah,
sedang cukup susah menghafal bait surah.

Hati ini kecoh mendewa diri,
Sedang tubuh menggeletar menahan mati.
Ampuni aku ya Rabbi

Sunday, April 18

Friend Turned Enemy: The Worst Enemy

What should I do now that I had lost a bestfriend, and making one eerie enemy. One that knows your every secrets and your hidden personality. Knows how you would react at things, and knows what will hurt you the most.

Things cannot be any worst than that. You calculated every move so that there will be no chance you will get hurt,yet you are. An enemy who knows your weakness more than yourself.
There you are hoping things will turn out fine, when your old friend turn out to be planning the next move. You will be taken down subtly, yet painfully.

I'm going down now. So much that I suffocated with life. Dying because of life, how can you ask to be alive.

But ask me if I'm giving up. Well, I'm not even giving in. So watch out you wicked,arsehole, life-sucking, ungrateful forgetful old friend. I will rise up again, and you will be sorry that you messed up with an old friend who knows just as much about you,too.

You had crossed the line. I lost my patience. I will not just watch you taking me down now. I will fight back this time,till I win, even if I have to go down with you


Scene: Payback Time
Soundtrack: Use Somebody by Kings of Leon

Friday, April 16

Ignoring is Boring

Sampai satu ketika
Sampai satu tahap
Sampai satu takat
Aku hilang sabar
Aku hilang percaya
Aku hilang suka

Dan aku biar
Tak peduli
Tak hirau
Tak kisah

But it came back to me
If orang wat salah kat aku
Then patut ke aku wat balik

Ignoring IS boring

Wednesday, April 14

Baik Dibalas Taik

I'm done worrying bout how they would feel
I'm done worrying others when I neglected myself
I'm done crying,mourning,sighing, thinking

Of why so many can't understand
That I done no good for reward
That I done all of it for nothing
That I done all that not for the silly words "thank you"

I asked nothing of that
What's more to be treated bad
When i had just done nice

Aku buat baik
Ikhlas, kerana Allah
Demi persahabatan
Aku buat baik
tapi dibalas taik
Kalau kau tak boleh,tak mampu,tak mahu
Buat baik pada aku
Jangan la buat jahat pada aku
Please...

Tak fair
Tak fair langsung

Ya Allah aku tahu Kau Maha Adil
Tapi sebelum Kau adili
dia yang menganiaya
Bukalah dulu pintu dan mata hatinya
Biar dia faham niatku
Biar dia mengerti perasaanku

Tapi jika penghinaan dan seksaan
Yang dia pilih buatku
Aku tahu dunia ini bukan penamat
Akan ada balasan di hari kiamat

Wahai kawan,please la stop it
I have no guts to treat you bad back
Kalau ada salah silap,
Ada dendam kesumat
Aku minta maaf

Again,please stop it
You are my friend no matter what you do
I beg you please

Tuesday, April 13

Manusia Jahat

There's no word to describe a human
Once you defined a human
I bet he will change
In a blink of an eye
Or much less than that

Orang keliling aku
Aku penat
Aku tak tahu macam mana nak bagi puas hati

Now I'm either alone in my room
Or in a crowd of people I cannot understand
And I don't know which one of those
Make me feel so much lonely

Scene: Bilik kosong, bilik penuh
Soundtrack: I'm With You by Avril Lavigne

Wednesday, April 7

Crossing The Line

Aku asyik melangkah
Garis yang tak boleh dilangkah

Mungkin aku salah
Memang aku salah

Maafkan aku
Salah aku

Kalau aku ulangi lagi
Ingatkan aku


Scene: Pushy, Promise-breaker
Soundtrack: Use Somebody by Kings of Leon (love this track!)
Location: End of the block

Friday, April 2

I'm sick of persatuan,kelab...they shaded and shadowed the friendship

Ketika diri mencari sinar
Secebis cahaya menerangi laluan
Ada kalanya langkahku tersasar
Tersungkur di lembah kegelapan

Bagaikan terdengar bisikan rindu
Mengalun kalimah menyapa keinsafan
Kehadiranmu menyentuh kalbu
Menyalakan obor pengharapan
Tika ku kealpaan
Kau bisikkan bicara keinsafan

Kau beri kekuatan tika aku
Diuji dengan dugaan
Saat ku kehilangan keyakinan
Kau nyalakan harapan

Saat ku meragukan keampunan Tuhan
Kau katakan rahmatNya mengatasi segala
Menitis airmataku keharuan
Kepada sebuah pertemuan

Kehadiranmu mendamaikan
Hati yang dahulu keresahan
Cinta yang semakin kesamaran
Kau gilap cahaya kebahagiaan
Tulus keikhlasan menjadi ikatan
Dengan restu kasihMu oh Tuhan
Titisan air mata menyubur cinta
Dan rindu pun berbunga
Mekar tidak pernah layu
Damainya hati
Yang dulu resah keliru
Cintaku takkan pudar diuji dugaan
Mengharum dalam harapan
Moga kan kesampaian kepada Tuhan
Lantaran diri hamba kerdil dan hina
Syukur sungguh di hati ini
Dikurniakan teman sejati
Menunjuk jalan dekatiNya
Tika diri dalam kebuntuan
Betapa aku menghargai
Kejujuran yang kau beri
Mengajarku mengenal erti
Cinta hakiki yang abadi
Tiada yang menjadi impian
Selain rahmat kasih-Mu Tuhan
Yang terbias pada ketulusan
Sekeping hati seorang insan
Bernama teman




maaf.aku masih tak ketemu teman sebegini. maaf.

as much as i want it, that's how much i don't have it.

not yet maybe.




Saturday, March 27

DAY 9: What Am I Doing?!

The New Dictionary of Modern Moslems Says...

Sin: Something we don't like when we think about having it, but love it when we we're doing it.

Taubat: An act of stopping doing something sinful, especially on bad days (exams,quizzes, getting sick etc.)

Solat: An act of worshipping Allah, usually once a week on Friday,but sometimes not at all.

Doa: A prayer which usually done in hesitance after solat, usually because of having things to do more important than doa itself.

Aurat: (1)Parts of the body which should only be covered when there's a need to (kelas agama,orang mati,nak menikah etc.)

(2) Parts of the body which should be covered,with what ever materials we think appropriate (tight clothes, sheer clothes, air)

(3) Parts of the body that should not be watch,or touched by non-mahram, yet can be watched in pornographic materials or touch when you are 'about' to be a mahram (boyfriends, girlfriends etc.)

Religion: A believe that should be, well, believed, not practiced.

Husband: A man who is legitimate to touch his wife after nikah, but also touched his wife before that.

Wife: A woman who is legitimate to touch her husband after nikah, but also touched her husband before that.

Love: (1)Something our hearts feel before nikah,but not after that because we have seen everything before nikah.

(2) Something our hearts feel for a long time after nikah, because we choose to save the best for the last (love after nikah)

Curse: Something good to say when at mad or not,because it makes you feel so much a macho men. It usually involves explicit body parts (refer to aurat). Curses are uttered when the definition of sin was not known or care.

Dating: please refer to the word 'mating' in any dictionaries.

Da'wah: Something really wrong to do and never should be done, with hikmah or not. It should only be done by a group of people called tabligh not moslems.

Maksiat: Something not really wrong to do, so it is okay to do it.

Hell: A really cool place to be in.

Heaven: (1) Pubs, discos etc.

(2) An unknown,unimaginably good place, but still cannot be any better than heaven (1)

Friday, March 26

DAY 8: LOSING GRIP

I wrote and deleted for more than three times today. Guess God don’t give me much of ilham because I did terrible on the 4th – 8th day of mission. To say the least.

Right now, I don’t have the courage to write anymore. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s more that I can’t. Right now i just want to take some time for myself,be alone for a while and muhasabah [ i did my muhasabah with my blog]

What happened during the five days? Lemme just say that I lost focus gradually- and today is the worst. Ever. Or just imagine me before,one with no mission. That’s my terrible five days.

Okay-lah. I don’t want to delete again. Salam. Next post will be tomorrow insha-Allah. I hope so.

P/S: It's hard if you fight it. Just...blend in.
“If she won’t leave your thoughts even when you try to keep her away, perhaps the answer lies in keeping her closer to your heart.”
-Remus Lupin-

Scene: Pesta Konvo dan 100Plus
Soundtrack: Losing Grip by Avril Lavigne

Thursday, March 25

busy

Too busy working on my life...my mission. Till I can't up date it here.See? It's 2 am now...And just for a while,a moment...

Jangan marah
Orang yang marah hanyalah orang yang lemah
Tak cukup kuat melawan emosi

Jangan dendam
Orang yang berdendam hanyalah orang lemah
Asyik mengadu kerana tak tahan ujian

Bersabarlah
Orang penyabar adalah orang cukup kuat menahan marah
Cukup faham pula, yang ujian itu hanya ujian

[ingatan buat aku yang lemah dan salah]

maaf aku bila aku marah
maaf aku bila dendam
teman

Monday, March 22

DAY 3: KATA+BUAT+DENGAR = KETEGAQ

DAY 3: KATA+BUAT+DENGAR = KETEGAQ

Sundays start lazy and end up busy. After spending day lazily, you will realize how busy you are at night when you start to remember of all works and assignments, tests and quizzes that lie for another 5 days to come.
Day three was no exception. And I feel bad to say that, my Sunday didn’t start good. Going to change that though. You can’t lose your 40 days mission just because of a lousy devil and some sleep and dreams. Malam ni tidoq awai na?
Mission I set for day three is: to hear only good things. To say only good things. To do only good things.
It sounded like ABC or 123 or alif,ba,ta; but believe me, it was such a rocket sciences. Till now, I still cannot decipher the holy code of how can I avoid hearing, saying and doing bad things. And oh, i had try the “ choose your friends wisely”. What I’m saying now is the few cases that words slipped out of my mouth, or slipped into my ears. May God help me with this.
Or should I wear mask and earphone the next time? Hmmm... sounded radical but it may work. :-p

Kenapa aku berkata
Bila yang terpancar hanya hina
Kenapa aku mendengar
Bila yang kudengar hanya fitnah

Kuambil kedua tangan
Kututup cupingku kuat
Kuketap bibirku ketat
Kupejam mataku rapat

Lalu aku dengar cahaya

Scene: Meja, Kopi dan Sembang
Soundtrack: Sunday Morning by Maroon 5

Sunday, March 21

DAY 2: MUALLAF

DAY 2: MUALLAF

It was raining all day. As if God blessed me and my mission. And I’m sure He is. The sky is grey with rain clouds, yet the subtlety of the sunray hitting the ground gave me a glimpse of hope. That today things will be just fine. And so it was.

One of the highlights for day two is I finally watched late Yasmin Ahmad’s film – Muallaf. A bit too late eh? Some of the jokes are cheesy, but as long as they are funny, who cares? But the main theme might be new,or radical to some. How the film discussed the questions of religions baffled me. The film was controversial at one time, that it was banned. Was. Well,watch it yourself. It is not as bad what as what I expected. But certainly it was better than films that show 99% social ill, 1% moral value(s???). Who loves sarcasm,go watch Muallaf.
One clear lesson l learnt today is; to be able to change and be good, choose your friends wisely. Be choosy, not picky.Yeah, I can’t understand that last line either, huhu. All I can say is, when you want fun- go to your bubbly,cheerful friends. If want you attention and help- go to your sympathetic,emphatic friends. Befriend your friends, but never unfriend a friend.To my friends:

Love is contagious
Like us
Life is suspicious
Of us
Lanes are spacious
Before us
We are the first
Then us

Scene: Rain and Rays
Soundtrack: Us by Regina Spektor

End of part 2 of 40

Saturday, March 20

DAY 1: I GOT MY HAIR CUT

I'm going on my 40 days mission.A 40 consequent days mission. A mission of me, finding Him. May he give me the chance to stand still to the very end, the 40th day.

DAY 1: I GOT MY HAIR CUT

It was a rainy Friday, when this crazy thoughts came to me, of me going on a 40 days mission. This is so crazy to me, that if you noticed, i already said 40 for the fifth time. It is not the mission that sounded crazy, it's the length of time. You see, I can't even keep my promises for more than a week. and 40 days? that's almost 6 weeks!!!

this mission I imagined to be torturous at first, and I think it will slowly change me to (I hope) a better me.

why 40? : I've heard this one, that says " If we were to be able to create a habit, it will be after 40 days. something like that.
why now? : why not now?
how? : determination. yang tak berbelah bagi. unconditional determination. and putting this on the blog, is just one determination.

Just to kick-start this mission, i know i need to do something radical (and ridiculous) that will remind me of how important this mission is, everytime i think about it. and i thought, " my hair. my long hair. i'm going to cut it. that's it."

So now everytime I look into the mirror, you can be sure I sighed and moaned.

This is me finding love,
This is me finding peace,
This is me determined,
This is me at sure,
This is me.
Me.

Hey, this is me-lah,Naja. What? Oh,this?Yeah, my new haircut. You like it? Thanks.

nota kaki.dan lutut: Ramai pandang tak puas hati je kepala aku sekarang. Haha! I'd be furious if I got that look before. Strangely enough, I felt satisfied now rather than going berserk. Tengok la rambut baru I puas-puas. btw, i made that love shape poem accidentally. really.I swear in the name of my sweater.

Thursday, March 18

Anak Polis

Dear friend,
The ignorance and the silence
They never bug me no more
Because they are killing me
The look in the eyes
The unexplainable, uncomfortable gestures
Just a very much murderous reminder
That I’m not needed no more
I hate the roller-coaster so much now
Because I’d be damned if I drop low
After I’m at high

Dear friend, my dearest friend
You don’t need to worry about me anymore
Because you hearing me keeps bugging me,
of why you treat me good
When so many else don’t
I’m sorry if this hurting you
I never meant to

Dear friend,
Having you as my friend
Is one huge undeletable spot in my mind
One huge too in my heart
Maybe because we have so many fond moments together
Or having too many boring moments too, together
Or maybe of the twin thingy between us
You may wonder why I wrote this
But please,
If by any God’s-will chance that I’m dead after this
Don’t you ever tell Kosmo! that
I know that my time has come
Death’s painful enough without the cheesiness
Guess what? After rereading this out-of-the-blue post
I really felt it sounded completely gay
Thanks my friend
Thanks for making me one
Right before I die
Jeez.... sigh~~

Give

Sometimes it is just not enough
To give in
That’s why I think
I’m giving up
The last time I checked
I had hole for my heart
When I’m chasing shadow
One that I shouldn’t chase
For one too many
For one too long

Monday, March 8

Tiga

Adakah aku perlu menanggung seorang
Apa yang terlihat mata ketiga ku
Mata yang memandang tembus
Jernih atas niat dalam hati manusia

Berikan aku satu insan
Nescaya dapat aku baca jiwa kotornya
Akan terselami niat buruknya
Dari wajah terkerut dahi
Atau gelisah goncangan kaki

Lalu adakah perlu aku menanggung seorang
Rasa syak dan was-wasku
Hanya kerana dunia tak bersedia
Menerima teguran dan halangan

Tuhan,kenapa kau beri aku mata yang ketiga ini

Scene: Meeting
Lokasi: Koridor, Boardroom
Soundtrack: Cancer by My Chemical Romance

Nota kaki dan lutut: kita bias bila situasi itu punya kita dalamnya. Aku tak enak begitu. Aku buka mulut. Zass!zass! Perkataan aku dicantas. 2 kali. Hampeh tol.

Thursday, March 4

Freak!

Syoknya hidup ini
Sejak aku senyum dan melupakan
Tiada lagi belenggu masalah

Sekarang aku layak
Join Cirque du Freak
Atau the Carnival [of Heroes fame]
Atau team penari Lady Gaga
Sebab aku sekarang freak
Sebab sekarang aku pelik
Sebab aku kini manusia aneh

Aku manusia Penelan Sengsara
"Ladies and gentleman.........
...I'm the Painkiller Man!!!!"

Scene : Sarkis
Soundtrack : Bad Romance by Lady Gaga
Author : http://ashoulderon.blogspot.com

Sunday, February 28

Hanashi


I still remember the day
It was raining heavily
Yet here we are together
Under the pouring rain
My hand holding yours
Yours holding mine

We held our hands so tightly
That our palms are dry
So tight that I can't breathe
For right now
I need no air more than I need You

With hands clasping
We walked blindly through the rain
Drenched and cold
To a place we don't decide
Because I'm right here at the place I should be
Right here on your side

Now let's run together
Because the rain was about to stop
Let's run under the next gray clouds
Because I need more of You
Because I need more rain to hold your hand

Scene : Two people, Rain and Gray Clouds
Soundtrack: Standing in the rain by Jamie Scott and Town

Friday, February 26

Bencana

Rasanya aku tak pernah buat dia macam tu.Tapi sampai hati, susu dibalas tuba...

mungkin kerana aku begini,aku disangka mudah dipermain,diperbodoh,diperolok

tak sangka bila dunia memandang aku dengan jelingan yang sinis

dan aku mengharapkan lindungan dari dia

yang aku dapat hanya penghinaan yang maha dahsyat

bila kawan bukan lagi kawan

aku pulang pada keluarga

tapi bila keluarga bukan lagi keluarga

aku mati akal nak pulang ke mana

padan muka aku

ambik kau Naja

terimalah balasannya




note: aku balik awal ke kampus.sebab aku dah malas nak berbantah bertelagah di rumah. di sini biar aku sendiri. lagi baik dari ada company yang membengkakkan hati.

Rugi tiket rm 30++

Sunday, February 21

Me?



Who,me?
Are you sure you want to say that to me?
Are you really sure?
That you want your mouth to be ripped like
I'm peeling bananas
Now stop saying that

You know how I hate it
Now You saying it out loud
I'm not really sure You are


Aku benci jadi muda
Kerana yang muda
Selalu salah di mata yang tua
Jika tidak sentiasa

Pengalaman bukan diukur zaman
Pembarisnya bengkok
Lain manusia lain bengkoknya
Tapi manusia jenuh melurus pembaris itu

Aku dihina kerana usia aku
Kurang sedetik dua
Tiada wajar dan warasnya

Aku dihina luaran
Dalam ini yang terkesan

Aku pura-pura punya cengkerang
Yang buat lagi jelas aku hanya nyawa lemah dalamnya

Sekarang berhenti
Berhenti hina aku
Atau aku robek engkau macam kulit pisang
Noktah

Tuesday, February 16

Afraid

i'm afraid
if i write too much
nobody will ever done reading

i'm afraid
if i write too less
nobody have anything to read

it's a paranoia
it's a phobia
or it's just that i'm just -- afraid.

Friday, February 12

Father Forgets

Father Forgets

Listen, son:
I am saying this as you lie asleep,
one little paw crumpled under your cheek and
the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead.
I have stolen into your room alone.
Just a few minutes ago,
as I sat reading my paper in the library,
a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.
Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are the things I was thinking,
son: I had been cross to you.
I scolded you as you were dressing for school
because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel.
I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes.
I called out angrily
when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too.
You spilled things.
You gulped down your food.
You put your elbows on the table.
You spread butter too thick on your bread.
And as you started off to play
and I made for my train,
you turned and waved a hand
and called, 'Goodbye, Daddy!'
and I frowned, and said in reply,
'Hold your shoulders back!'

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon.
As I came up the road I spied you,
down on your knees, playing marbles.
There were holes in your stockings.
I humiliated you before your boyfriends
by marching you ahead of me to the house.
Stockings were expensive -
and if you had to buy them you would be more careful!
Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember,
later, when I was reading in the library,
how you came in timidly,
with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?
When I glanced up over my paper,
impatient at the interruption,
you hesitated at the door.
'What is it you want?' I snapped.
You said nothing,
but ran across in one tempestuous plunge,
and threw your arms around my neck
and kissed me,
and your small arms tightened
with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart
and which even neglect could not wither.
And then you were gone,
pattering up the stairs.

Well, son,
it was shortly afterwards
that my paper slipped from my hands
and a terrible sickening fear came over me.
What has habit been doing to me?
The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding
- this was my reward to you for being a boy.
It was not that I did not love you;
it was that I expected too much of youth.
I was measuring you
by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine
and true in your character.
The little heart of you
was as big as the dawn itself
over the wide hills.
This was shown by your spontaneous impulse
to rush in and kiss me good night.
Nothing else matters tonight, son.
I have come to your bedside in the darkness,
and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement;
I know you would not understand these things
if I told them to you during your waking hours.
But tomorrow
I will be a real daddy!
I will chum with you,
and suffer when you suffer,
and laugh when you laugh.
I will bite my tongue
when impatient words come.
I will keep saying as if it were a ritual:
'He is nothing but a boy - a little boy!'

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man.
Yet as I see you now, son,
crumpled and weary in your cot,
I see that you are still a baby.
Yesterday you were in your mother's arms,
your head on her shoulder.
I have asked too much, too much.

ashoulderon.blogspot.com
- W. Livingston Larned

Tuesday, February 9

Misty

"Misty"

My name is Misty
I'm only three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,

I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have
Made my daddy so mad?

I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.

I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long.

When I awake
I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.

When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.

Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse,
My name he calls,
I press myself
Against the wall.

I try and hide
From his evil eyes,
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping,
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.

He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream,
But its much too late.
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.

The hurt and the pain
Again and again.
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Misty
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.



[ one of the most memorable poem i have ever read. and it felt so real ]

Sunday, February 7

Valentine's for Vella

14 Feb
Tak sabar tunggu
Nak tengok
Ada x
orang yang kemaruk menyambut
Tanpa tahu sebab menyambut

Hari 14 aku nak tgk
Lebih banyak merah kah?
Atau lebih banyak hitam berlilit putih kah?

Friday, February 5

Hujan Petang

Soundtrack: I Go by Pete Teo
Scene : Hujan renyai waktu petang


Hujan-hujan petang macam ni buat aku teringat zaman aku kecik-kecik dulu. Senangnya hidup tak ada masalah, pagi petang bermain,kadang-kadang sampai kena turut dek emak yang dah mencekak pinggang, baru ingat balik rumah. Kalu dulu tengah main kat laman jiran,dengar je bunyi hujan dari jauh,semua lari macam toyol, “Lariiiiiiiiikkkk!!!!! Hujan kejar kitaaaaaaa.......!!!!!”

Ingat benda-benda remeh macam ni,buat aku senyum sorang-sorang. Kalau kecik dulu, kalau Kakak tak jerit, “ Doremon nak start!!!!!!” selagi tu lah tak balik. Budak kecik,sembahyang Maghrib bukan agenda yang perlu difikir. Dalam kepala,sikit-sikit Doremon,Ultraman,Power Rangers, Tomatoman etc. etc... Rasa nak balik semula zaman gemilang kanak-kanak ni. Dalam hati takde kotor,apa yang dirasa itulah yang dikata dan dibuat. Tengoklah budak-budak kalau gaduh, sekejap je lupe dan baik semula. Umpannya kadang-kadang hanya main guli atau nyorok-nyorok.

Kalau zaman kecik dulu, pergi kedai mesti tak miss beli kuaci yang dalam dia ada kertas tulis 20c,50c..tapi biasanya thank you je selalu dapat. Kalau bukan kuaci menipu tu, mesti beli ais krim itik,bungkus die guna kertas. Perghhh,kalau dapat makan aiskrim itik, tahap dia macam merasa Magnum,tak pun Cornetto...tapi mimpilah nak dapat,kadang-kadang aiskrim Malaysia pun jadi. Apalah budak kampong nak berbelanja besar untuk nikmat 4-5 minit tu.

Hujan tak berhenti lagi. Kalau kecik-kecik dulu, mesti dah keluar senyap-senyap main hujan. Duduklah dekat alur air hujan,buat empangan guna tanah,tak pun batu. Ehm, aku boleh ingat lagi sejuk air hujan menjirus kepala aku,jatuh dari atap rumah masa buat empangan. Dah macam memerang dah sekor-sekor. Kadang-kadang kalau hujan renyai-renyai,dan ada kelkatu keluar dari busut, lepak kat bawah pokok jambu air depan rumah, tengok burung layan-layang kejar dan jamah kelkatu yang terbang lemah dibasah hujan. Ehm..ingat ni,buat aku rasa syahdu. Pemandangan burung-burung yang terbang rawak begitu,entah bila aku boleh rasa lagi.

Sejuk benar rasa bila hujan begini. Kalau kecik-kecik dulu,aku akan duduk atas tangga dekat dapur, tengok emak masak. Untung-untung hari ni dapat bubur kacang panas, kalau takde pun,biasa mak buat kopi atau teh. Buat cicah biskut lemak. Karate jadi terbelah dua,cicah dalam kopi. Panasnya air lawan hawa sejuk hujan,aku tak boleh lupa. Tapi ada satu yang aneh tentang kopi. Kopi terbaik adalah kopi jiran aku. Masa kecik-kecik bila emak bertandang ke rumah jiran,akulah pengikut setia emak. Kopi buatan jiran untuk emak,aku hirup dulu dalam piring kaca. Entah apa yang jiran aku letak sampai aku rasa sedap sangat. Tapi jangan cakap benda lain, emak aku juara masak-masak ni.

Tenang betul dengar rintik hujan. Sebab aku teringat emak. Biasanya kalau hujan, emak tak bagi bukak TV,takut kena sambar petir. Biasanya suram je suasana rumah, sebab huajn paling best kalau lampu tak dibukak. Tenang. Sambil tengok dari beranda, aku selalu leka mengira-ngira tak bernombor bilangan air hujan. Kadang-kadang kakak-kakak aku selalu bercerita sesama sendiri bila hujan. Aku hanya dengar tak faham dunia dewasa. Dan waktu hujan begini, emak akan duduk dekat bilik belakang, sambil lipat baju-baju yang sempat diangkat dari sidaian. Leka aku tengok emak. Aku masih ingat betapa aku sayang emak aku. Tapi sekarang, kawan-kawan dan duduk berjauhan buat aku lupa kasih aku pada emak.Peluk dan ucap sayang pada emak,sudah menjadi kekok aku tunaikan.

Memori air hujan menimpa jalan tanah merah buat Aja ingat pada Emak. Emak, Aja anak Emak. Aja sayang Emak.

Thursday, February 4

Aku Berusaha lalu Aku Gagal

Apa yang aku kejar
Semua bertempiaran lari
Semua yang aku impi menjadi ngeri
Semua yang aku rancang tak menjadi

Aku tak mahu kejar lagi
Aku tak mahu mimpi lagi
Aku tak mahu rancang lagi

Biar masa yang menentukan
Biar saat yang membezakan
Biar malam yang menghilangkan
Biar siang yang menerangkan
Biar angin yang membawa
Biar ombak yang melayar
Biar air yang menujah
Biar burung yang berkata
Biar tanah yang menetap
Biar ruang yang menyaksi
Biar pokok yang mengikat
Biar manusia yang melakon
Biar aku menghabis
Biar aku mengeluh
Biar aku membisik
Biar aku menjerit
Biar sahaja matahari terbit
Biar penat biar sakit

Aku akan kekal di sini
Mengaeluh,membisik,menjerit
Biar aku
Tak merancang
Tak bermimpi
Tak mengejar
Noktah.

Wednesday, February 3

Penat

Jalan ulang alik
Pikir ulang kali
Stadi ulang kaji
Penat

Friday, January 29

Stop!

Stop
I said to myself
''Never!'' myself said to me
And I said no more
To weak I am
To not able to fight
Of my own want
My own need
My own quest
My own dream
Stupid me

Monday, January 25

I'm Hate-able

What ever I do
People find fault
As if they are experts
Of what i'm doing
So I put my hands on my ears
So I'm alone again
So I can do what I want
Period

Saturday, January 23

Screwed!

Today: Test Organic Chem

This Week: Futsal. ~~hujan~~ Y_Y

This Month: Belanje banyak

This Year: Sama dengan di atas sbb taun ni baru sebulan

Life: Clueless. Tak de matlamat (" --)

Wednesday, January 20

Told Secret

Susah sangatkah
Nak cari kawan yang baik
Yang bila gembira
Ketawanya bersama
Yang bila berduka
Adanya bersama

Susah sangatkah
mahu jumpa rakan yang setia
yang rela membela
tak kenal derhaka

aku hanya mahu teman yang percaya aku
bila semua berkata aku tiada gunanya
aku hanya mahu kawan yang
berkata, "Naja,dia boleh buat semua tu"
"aku percaya dia,dia takkan putus asa"
"beri dia sedikit peluang dan ruang"
"sedikit lagi masa,dia bisa"

Aku hanya mahu kawan yang mengerti bahasa derita aku
Jika tak bisa dia mengerti derita aku

Dulu aku bukan duka begini
aku tak pernah duka begini
dulu aku rasa sendiri,
tapi masih ada teman yang rasa sekali
Kini aku rasa sendiri
tetapi yang ini memang benar sendiri
Kerana dulu kawanku adalah aku
serupa wataknya
sama deritanya
Tapi kini aku tinggal sendiri
Aku tinggal aku
kerana aku mencuba
hidup dengan suasana beda
bercampur baur jenis dan ragam
aku ketap aku genggam
Aku beranikan pilihanku

Tapi aku kecewa

Aku hanya mahu kawan yang teman aku
bila aku rasa sendiri
aku hanya mahu kawan
yang percaya aku sampai mati
berdiri tegak di sisi walau aku dicaci

Aku hanya mahu kawan yang nampak aku elok
walau dunia menghina dan memperolok
Aku hanya kepingin senyum di hujung minggu
sebab bersembang berbicara
berborak apa saja

Aku tak mahu kawan yang harta berjuta
aku tak mahu kawan yang punya rupa bergaya
aku tak mahu kawan yang orang lain suka

Aku hanya mahu kawan yang faham kerenah aku
Aku hanya mahu kawan yang terima keadaanku
Aku hanya mahu kawan yang faham niat hasratku
Aku hanya mahu kawan yang membantu bila tahu aku malu minta dibantu
Aku hanya mahu kawan yang suka berkongsi mimpi
Impian dan cita-cita
Duka-lara dan rahsia

Aku hanya mahu kawan yang tak pernah tinggalkan aku
aku hanya mahu kawan yang bisa jujur dengan aku
aku hanya mahu kawan yang memikirkan yang terbaik untukku
aku hanya mahu kawan yang santunnya membimbingku
Ketawanya menggembirakanku
Senyumnya meringan bebanku
Ajakannya jujur keranaku
Tolakannya ikhlas kerana tak mampu
Tangisnya kerna percaya aku
Pelukannya hangat bersaudara
Pujukannya melembut hatiku
Doanya buat aku
Fatihahnya tak lokek untukku
Ingat aku bila santap
Ajak aku bila siram
Maaf aku sebelum beradu

Ku mahu kawan yang bertanya mana aku bila aku tiada
Ku mahu kawan yang rindu aku bila aku entah ke mana
Ku mahu kawan yang kisah sakit demamku
Ku mahu kawan yang tahu makan minumku
Ku mahu kawan yang ajak bicara bila tiada gembira raut wajahku
Ku mahu kawan yang tandang dengan air mawar di pusaraku

Aku mahu kawan aku buat semua ini kepada aku
Sebab aku juga mahu buat yang sama pada kawan aku

Aku hanya mahu teman seperti itu
Susah sangatkah?

Mungkin

Friday, January 15

take time.think twice.

Baru-baru ni
Aku selalu pikir dulu
Baru cakap
Sebab mulut aku lancang
Tapi pikir dua kali pun
Kadang-kadang x cukup

Jadi sekarang
Aku pelik
Orang cakap
Tanpa berfikir

Wednesday, January 13

He is Like a Vampire

Didn't I say so?
The cycle will be complete. Again
I'm having my happy life again.
You know that old story..
going nice n bad,back and forth with my best friend.

But I know this smiles and laughter
Will not last long
Just have to enjoy it right now
Before it turns into thin air in
God knows when

For now
Let me just smile and laugh more
For I give another three days for this to last

Wait and see
When will this vampire friend of mine
Sucking my life
Again

Hate you life-sucking vampire

Sunday, January 10

Two-Headed Monster

Satu hari aku bangun
Aku jaga dengan dua kepala
Aku bukan lagi manusia

Aku bukan manusia biasa
Aku manusia bermuka-muka
Aku mungkin nampak baik dari luar
tapi aku jahat sebenarnya
Aku mungkin nampak jahat dari luar
tapi aku lagi jahat sebenarnya

Aku suka betulkan orang
Padahal aku salah
Aku suka salahkan orang
Padahal aku tak betul
Tak betul laku
Tak betul kepala otak

Badan aku tak boleh lagi tanggung dua makhluk
Muka aku dah lesu pakai topeng baik
Aku dah penat

Aku dah letih
Jadi makhluk dua kepala

Saturday, January 9

That Word is Ours.And Only Ours.

Dengan Nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah,Lagi Maha Mengasihani.

Katakanlah (Muhammad),

"Dialah Allah,Yang Maha Esa."
"Allah tempat meminta segala sesuatu"
"(Allah) tidak beranak dan tidak pula diperanakkan"
"Dan tidak ada sesuatu yang setara dengan Dia"

al-Ikhlas.

Allah is ours.

Thursday, January 7

Love-Hate Cycle

it is always about me
the problems...

i am a problem magnet
sadly i dunno how to demagnetized myself
cuz i am an unpredictable magnet
that changes its pole unpredictably
once i understands the problems from south
i'm changing into north in a snap

i can't go repeating the same thing again and again
it's not like it's the hardest problem ever men encountered
people says problems give you strength,
that if you pass it,you'll be just fine
but in fact this weaken me
i'm weak cuz i know the pattern
i'm weak cuz i know when will it come
i'm weak cuz i know how it will end,and start all over again
and still i can't do nothing to stop it
the cycle
one really sick cycle

and it really scares me when i said i can't do nothing bout it





[and what the heck am i doing posting dis too early in the morning??!!!I'm sick!]

Monday, January 4

hell

can't take it no more.
the way I was treated lately
Just too much
But the world says,
'' Don't you ever cry.''
I can't cry cuz i'm a man
How sick is that?

Friday, January 1

Definition/Meaning of Mean, Defined.

Sometimes I feel like stopping having more friends,
because what I do have now,
are already out of hand.

All these will sound mean,
I still love you all my friends,
But lemme define what is mean

See,
I have this one friend who kept changing mood,
I thought I know everything bout this particular friend,
but in fact,
I don't.

Early days of our friendship,
I can say I have finally found
The Best Friend

~sigh it wasn't for long,
till I made a mistake.
Back to be just another ordinary friend if not confidante
and I thought all was forgiven
I thought so,
should my heart grew fond over my forgiven brutal acts,
my everyday life starts to decay,rot
and me~ crippled by day
by you my ex best friend

Okay,best friend no more
I want to be a best friend is what you did not allow,
so I accepted that reluctantly coz i've sinned
but now I don't think you yourself allow it

You kept me in a cage
where I cannot make new friends
and when I'm trying to,
you go senile

The formula is easy my friend,
You hated me = lemme go
but no
You hated me = you don't lemme go
is what you put
in your damn broken calculator

How many time have you go extra jolly with a friend when I'm around?
okay,you made it.you made me jealous.but what do you earn.wake up my friend.
I'm affected but i do not care

How many time have you go vicious when I don't talk to you
because when I do talk to you,you don't want to?

How many time I have to give in and talk to you
because you look so lonely,
You are okay with it today,
and vicious again tomorrow.
believe me,i'm not trying to be your best again
if that what you're so vicious about

How many time have you pretend (oh,I know this very well)
that you hated me,
when i know you watch me from the very corner of your eyes,
whenever i am with another friend.

gimme a break

I hate being an ex best friend
because every minute details of me,
is just another weapon to kill me.

I laughed at exceptional moments,
when i remember what have you told me,
when i apologized to you then.
"Naja, you're such a girl"

Hecks.You're being one.

I am still guilty of that mistake you can't forgive
Broke your heart I think
Don't broke mine,
coz you'll be just as bad as me

You
was a good friend.
I still believe you are
Stop doing all these
I'm sorry if I'm the one who made you like this
Let us be like you said before
"Just friends."

Defined.

New but Not That Good

me
and my past years
never have been good
tried
but what can i do
just don't really can stick to my resolution
urgh,that 10 letters word made me feel like vomiting already
it is just too big a word
to be digested for a year
i'll try though
but right now
lemme rest for a while
just too lazy
to even raise a finger
to change 'i' to 'I'



new year
wudda ya mean to me???
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