Di sini aku coret,lakar,conteng,lukis,catat,tulis,leter,bebel,sindir,ukir,pahat,tekap,warna cerita hidup aku

Sunday, December 30


I think I have messed up my sleep cycle. It's usual for me to pass midnight without feeling sleepy, so I watched movies,watched TV or browse the net until 2 or 3 am. Only then will I go to bed.

And it's hard  when I go to bed.
Because when I say I go to bed, I really mean only that; go. There's always a half or an hour of tossing and turning before I can finally sleep. And I don't know where my sister bought this bed, but it really cannot handle my pre-sleeping actions. Okay that sounds a wee bit dirty. What I mean was, sometimes the bed will malfunctioned and I have to put it back together (this is a bit technical I'm not gonna bore you with details). It's just really didn't help with me trying to sleep.

And waking up is hard too.
I'm a natural early-riser. I was at least. But now I have to rely on alarm clock, which unfortunately means my cheap Nokia phone's alarm clock. If I put it too far from my head, or accidentally pushed it under my pillow while I'm battling monsters of Dreamland in my REM sleep (thank god I still have that), chances are the alarm sound will be too low to the point of the ceiling fan's white noise could cancel it out. I really need to curi my niece's Doraemon alarm clock.

And staying awake is equally hard too.
If I managed to wake up, there are only two possibilities. One, I will sleep again at 7 until 10-ish am. Or possibility number two, if I'm lucky, I will stay awake until 10 am and dozed off until noon-ish. And this house perfect timing for lunch really just like adding salt to the wound. More often than not, upon finishing the meal, I can feel the food take over my body, like the calories (this is a wrong use of word I think) creeping up to my eyelids, and forced them to closed down, down, down, down with my body on the couch.

Remember the entry 'Adele' where I wrote a fictional story in the form of a letter, that I posted several weeks ago? Well, the 'me' character wrote that he had trouble sleeping, and need to take pills. I started to think that I'm cursed by that. Mana tahu Adele bela hantu raya, sebab tu suara dia sedap, sebab tu aku tak boleh tidur. Okay karut sangat.

  Sleep cycle aku messed up gila. I have no control of when I'm awake or sleep. Help me

*this article was edited to make it a lil' bit easier to read. I had a sudden epiphany after reading a blog, that my minimalist aesthetics in writing is just, well, boring.

Saturday, December 29


1. Right now I feel the need to write something, although I'm not quite sure what to write. Okay,actually  I just did the number one Don't: "If you don't know what to write, don't say you don't know what to write."

2. Stephen King, said he set a quota of writing 2000 words a day. This is like me catching him up, but, haha, who am I kidding.

3. Having my name on the cover of a novel might be the most impossible dream I can never reached. I'll save it in my bucket list though, who knows I can fulfill it later, say in Heaven?

4.People say Heaven is a place where your wishes granted. It's like genie on steroid, no more three-wishes-only rule.

5. Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed that I wrote point No.4, because it's clear as day that I'm struggling with vocabulary and witty idea there. Ughh.

6. Why oh why I'm always like this? I mean why do I always doubt myself, that everything that I do will never be good. It's okay to be critical, but to the point of killing my own interest; why? Why did I write point No.5?

7. So I just got a message, from my dear friend,at this very moment I'm writing this very sentence asking to join,to go to Port Dickson at this very moment, and I just said yes, OMG is this real, or is this some kind of trick? Is this some kind of prank, hidden camera kind of thing? Is my webcam is turned on accidentally and somehow my friend have hidden CIA-level hacking talent that he hacked into my webcam and laughing furiously at the other end of the line of how ridiculous my facial expression is right now.

8. Really didn't see that coming, wow. So now eight-points ramblings is already a long ramblings. So yeah, I don't know if Port Dickson will happen or not, ha ha, this surprise is pleasant enough already. I'm going to end this now :)

Thursday, December 27


It was as if I was not on anyone's phone.

Considering how smart a phone could be nowadays, that telling you a lot.
I wasn't on anyone phone book.
I wasn't in anyone's friend list.
I wasn't in anyone's following list.
I wasn't in anyone's email address book.
I wasn't in anyone freaking life for goodness sake.

I was under the radar. I was invisible. I was effing didn't exist.
That if I stand in a crowd, everyone would just walk pass through me.
That if I screamed, no one would notice.
That if I reached for someone, I would just trip and fall.

As if I was in a dimension where I could see everyone, but none see me.
Like the purpose of my existence in this dimension is to weep for my non-existence.

If I go, will anyone notice?
If I go, will anyone care?
Will anyone be sad?
Will anyone cry?
Search for me?
Missed me?

As if I was not on anyone's phone.

My take on loneliness, with a tacky connection towards social network. ha ha. excuse my grammar, not sure why I use past-tense. Half true, half fiction.

Wednesday, December 26


Dengan sebuah novel Rudyard Kipling di tangan, aku melangkah keluar pintu pagar menuju ke taman permainan. Bersama dua orang anak buah untuk dijaga (mati la). Bersama dua buah basikal untuk disorong (if you can call a bicycle with four wheels bicycle; more like quadcycle to me). Sampai ke taman, kaki tanpa sabar dijejak ke rumput, aaaaaand dang! lecak sebab baru lepas hujan =_='

Selesai memberi instruction dan warning pada anak-anak buah, aku lepaskan diorang terkedek-kedek kayuh basikal. But not before anak buah yang lelaki kotorkan seluar aku sebab terkena tapak kasut dia masa dia panjat basikal (*carut*) .Satisfied dengan arahan, aku melabuh punggung atas bangku. Novel dibuka, dibaca dengan muka bajet educated, tapi tidak sesungguhnya tidak, sebab cover novel itu terlampau kartun untuk aku dianggap educated, which is not my intention pun. Aku baca sebab aku malas nak tengok budak-budak tu main, which is the main point of going there, which is why I'm a bad sitter, which I don't care, sebab novel ni best jugak, which makes sense, sebab buku ni dah ada adaptation ke movie, which if I mention the name of the movie and you never heard of it you must be living is some kind of cave. It is The Jungle Book. Ring a bell? No? Go back to your cave, now.

Exact cover of my copy of The Jungle Book. RM6 kat Big Bad Wolf :)

Walaupun aku tahu Rudyard Kipling mesti tak bayangkan novel dia jadi cerita kartun Disney masa dia tulis The Jungle Book ni (ada dah ke Disney time tu?) , tapi masa aku baca, all the characters were all fun, colourful and 2D animated dalam kepala aku. Ditambah dengan bunyi budak-budak bermain dan padang permainan yang ala-ala savana sebab poor maintenance, I was inside the story for a while, cewah. 

Aku sebenarnya tak boleh baca novel kalau bising-bising, so aku expect sempat la baca 4-5 pages je at most. Tapi ada la dua chapter jugak habis, probably sebab vocabulary dia not quite tough and all the characters are believeable. Which is an irony because the story involved talking animal, which supposed to be hard to believe.Tak macam sesetengah novel yang pretentious je rasa, macam the whole purpose of the novel was to use each and every single words in the dictionary (mengaku je la vocab ko teruk Naja).

Ring a bell?

So, masa tengah-tengah baca tu, tiba-tiba ada seorang budak aku tak kenal naik basikal berhenti depan aku. Macam lost je so aku tegur la, "cantik basikal." Lepas tu dia jawab ape entah. Pelat. Terus dia turun basikal duduk sebelah aku. Eh. Berani betul, ramah semacam. Aisyh, kalau aku sindiket culik budak ke, pedobear ke, jimat satu lolipop, umpan pakai mulut aje. Katup novel (sorry Mowgli, nak layan budak ni jap), sambung investigate budak ni.

 "Mak mana?" (Paham ke? Budak-budak sekarang ada ke panggil emak diorang Mak?) Dia juih mulut ke kiri aku, tak cukup mulut dia tunjuk dengn telunjuk dia sekali. Ok, faham rupanya ko, stop pointing to your mak kid, dah dah, you made your point kid, nanti mak kau pikir apa pulak. Dah, stop.

Takut dilabel pedo, segera aku halau budak tu, "Pergilah naik basikal. Lajukan basikal tu? Tunjuk sikit laju dia camne." 

Sekali lagi tanpa lollipop, budak tu mengikut arahan dan mengayuh pergi, cewah. Kalau aku suruh masuk van, memang dengan basikal sekali dia angkut masuk van agaknya. Which I learned is not true, not due to the fact that I don't have a van, tapi sebab tak lama lepas tu basikal budak tu terkeluar dari jalan bersimen dan masuk sikiiiit je ke kawasan rumput, tapi  dia tak larat nak tolak keluar =_=' Nak tolak pun tak larat, apa lagi nak angkut masuk dalam van kan? hew3.

Aku perasan basikal budak tu tersangkut bukan sebab aku perhati dia lepas dia blah,sebab aku terus sambung baca citer pasal Mowgli je pastu. Aku perasan sebab budak tu lari duduk sebelah aku lepas basikal dia stuck. Eh budak ni, jual kang. Muka comel dah. Bila aku tanya mana basikal, sekali lagi dia jawab apa entah aku tak faham. Pelat teruk. Dia tunjuk basikal dia ke arah kanan aku. Nasib baik body language kau bagus budak (Okay, now I sounded like a pedobear.) So aku panggil anak buah aku yang slightly older, and slightly less pelat (I'm proud of you Zakuan for being less pelat! Okay over),and bawak basikal budak tu ke tempat aku duduk. Aku suruh dia naik basikal, pastu aku blah baca novel dekat buaian. Aman sikit kat buaian tu sebab nak pergi buaian tu kena tempuh kawasan rumput (read: kawasan lecak).
Ha ha ha.

I had enough cute kids to look after  for a day. Ain my niece, Zakuan my nephew, and Mowgli anak serigala. Bye-bye strange,cute,peramah little boy who has high potential to be kidnapped. Go run to your Mak. I wished she's your Mak  or I'll be damned if she's not.

p/s: Sori la kalau pening baca, nak categorize entry ni cakap pasal review buku bukan, nak cakap cerita biasa pun bukan. nak cakap cerita dalam English bukan, in bahasa melayu pun bukan. Gasaklah. Aku tulis tak edit sebab nak hilang tension. Tension tgk semua orang happy malam ni, aku plak miserable hew hew.

Old friends : Tak cam dulu. School friends: Tak sekufu. Latest friends : Tak sebulu. There,there pity me. 
 So many happy people, so irritating. Why can't everyone be miserable, then it'll be exciting.
And oh, The Jungle Book ni novel klasik  ditulis tahun 1894 oleh Rudyard Kipling, He is a Nobel Prize winner. I don't remember how I first know bout this famous man, but the most memorable bout him is the the poem 'If'. Kalau ada masa aku post poem dia. And also aku akan post kenapa aku rasa miserable. Ok bye :)

Thursday, December 20


We lost that spark. 
A spark you took for granted.
And for that I'm so grateful.
I am.

If what that was was fire, it died. 
If what that was was a ship, it sank. 
It what that was was life, it ended.

If there's any memories left, 
it evokes not emotion or passion, 
but maybe just habitual feelings. 
Like drinking water in the morning.

Something that started when we don't realized, 
deserved not to be ended with goodbyes.

If it never even begun,and never really ended, 
It deserved no treatment of existence. 
It deserved no remembrance.

Saturday, December 15


Sometimes I just want to spend my morning
With a cup of coffee
Staring out the window
Not looking at nothing
Just, out the window
Embracing the morning breeze
That so softly blew the curtains
Too softly that for a moment
I pretend myself on clouds
And when the sun starts to peek
I watch my skin yellowed by the ray
I want to realize that
It was from a foreign stellar object
Eight minutes ago
Through a place so cold and dark
So I will appreciate the warmth
And the littlest warmth
brought by the littlest photons
Which glistened a little on my fingers
As I play made-up piano
On the messed up table
Mimicking the cheap stereo tune
From my boring, slow songs
From my "Boring & Slow" playlist
Which I really want to listen alone
Because just I want to cry
And cry
And cry
To the songs
How sappy or happy
So that the window view makes no sense anymore
Just distorted and blur
By the torturing tears
That when I cannot take it anymore
 I will lay my head on the table
And smile when the birds
Starts to chirp
Because I know
I will be okay.

Thursday, December 13


Once upon a time, there was a varsity student named Gary who was not very bright even though he was a varsity student. In a country that Gary live in, it is not unusual for not very bright people to enter universities  as long as they are rich or willing to be in debt for the rest of their lives. But that fact didn't really matter because Gary was neither rich nor he's willing to be in debt. But the real reason it didn't really matter was because Gary didn't know why he even entered the university taking courses he deem to fail. But nevertheless, Gary was a varsity student.

So Gary's everyday routine is going to lectures five minutes late. Then, during lectures he cannot understand the lectures because he was five minutes late, so he doodled crazy doodles in his book. That's on a good day, because on a bad day he will forget to bring any books so he doodled crazy doodles on the desk, the kind that's attached to the the seat. After that, he will go out of the lectures five minutes early, telling the lecturers he is five minutes late for his next lecture which is too stupid a lie for the lecturers to believe, when in fact the lecturers don't really care about Gary nor his lie. 

It was very noble of the university to state that the campus is a no smoking zone. But that didn't stop Gary or anyone for that matter to smoke anyway. So, as soon as Gary got out of the lecture room, he will lit his cheap cigarette (because he cannot afford the pricey ones) and take a few puffs before throwing it to the ground while saying to himself that the cigarette tasted weird when actually the more accurate term was it tasted cheap. Upon feeling rebellious for smoking in no smoking zone, he will get on his bike without his helmet on because he thinks a helmet trapped carbon dioxide which is bad for the body and because he likes fresh air.

When I said that Gary was not very bright, you may have imagine that Gary didn't have many friends. But even you know that that's not true because in university, people befriend one another not because he is bright  or not. Well, not just that anyway. As a matter of fact Gary had a lot of friends, mostly because he knows how to crack funny jokes, although people who don't befriend him will find it hard to understand his jokes or why do his jokes supposed to be funny. All he did was doing weird gestures and faces that he copied from comedies he watched with his friends the night before. I suppose he is funny, but not originally funny.

Gary also have many friends because he is good in sport. He knows how to play soccer, tennis, wall-climbing, you name it. May I explain to you this country Gary lived in doesn't really appreciate people with sport-ability, so that's why Gary don't know why he entered the university and also why he will be in debt for the rest of his life. So if you imagine Gary is a sad, lonely man you have to alter it now with friends who find him funny and friends who find him athletic. But if you have a great imagination, you should probably have already figure out that a man that's funny, athletic and have a motorbike should had a girlfriend. He did, but not just one.

Gary had three girlfriends, and that's another reason why his friends befriended him. All his girlfriends were all very different but they had one thing in common: they love Gary for who he is. I know it sounds cliche but please, let me explain. The first girlfriend was Amy who love Gary because he is funny, the second one was Cat who love Gary because he is athletic and Denise, who love him because, you guessed it, because he has a motorbike. Although to me it was pretty obvious why these girls love him, but being Gary who was not very bright, he only knew who love him but never why.

It is very rude to assume that Gary lied to these girls when he said to them (personally,separately of course) that he love them very much. Gary did love them very much but not exclusively. Not telling is not lying, right? For instance, he never said things such as ' you are my only one' or ' I think about you all the time' or anything you can think of that can give a hint of exclusivity (because I run out of lovey-dovey words). What befuddled most people who heard about Gary's story was not how he managed three girlfriends at the same time, but how can the girls don't know about each other. I will tell you how.

Saturday, December 8


When life gets hard and complicated, it's easy to wish for things to be easier and simpler.

"Why do I have to study this?" 
"Why can't assignments finished themselves?"
"Why people treat me this way?"
"Why can't you do it yourself?"

Etcetera, etcetera.

But then wishes were granted. Life easier, simpler.

A little too easy, too simple I guess.

When there's no challenge, I found myself...hollow. I cannot help but to wonder what am I doing in this world when the only problems that I have to solve are

"Where is the remote?" 
"Who's in the bathroom?" and
"I wonder what's going to happen next episode."

Heck, I cannot even put a question mark to that last question because it ain't a problem at all!

Get up you lazy bum. Stand on your feet. Face the world.