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NAJNAJAKIA BLURGG

Di sini aku coret,lakar,conteng,lukis,catat,tulis,leter,bebel,sindir,ukir,pahat,tekap,warna cerita hidup aku

Friday, November 20

Baring

Bisakah kaubaring di sisi aku malam ini?
Biar tidak rapat asalkan dekat
Biar detak jantungku menjadi laju
Biar rentaknya membuai aku tidur
Biar retaknya jiwa terpulih dikambus
Biar renungmu memujukku terus

Bisakah kaubaring di sisi aku sampai pagi?
Biar hembus nafasmu menghangat malam
Biar terus lenyap dingin hawa dan jiwa
Biar cepat baik luka hati terpendam
Biar sampai terlelap wajahmu kutatap
Biar sampai kauhadir dalam mimpi
Biar sampai angau hilang igau

Biar sampai aku percaya
Kau memerlukanku
Sebagaimana aku

Marilah sayang
Baring di sisi

Thursday, November 19

Status

Aku duduk termenung lagi di depan PC. Sesekali jari-jemari kekok menekan papan kekunci. Cukup satu dua ayat, tangan kanan pantas saja menekan 'delete'.

Kosong semula. Hanya tinggal 'cursor' berkelip-kelip di penjuru kiri. Mengejek mencabar aku memasukkan input. Ini bodoh. Sudah dua-tiga malam aku cuba menulis. Terlampau banyak idea dan rasa yang meminta diluahkan ke atas ruang putih ini. Tapi satu pun tak menjadi. Celaka. Tangan kanan rasa gatal lagi mahu menekan 'delete'. Okay, biar aku cuba sekali lagi.

***

Petang tadi aku menatal newsfeed Facebook. Entah kenapa, semenjak dua menjak ini Facebook rajin benar mengungkit status lama aku. Mark, if you're reading this, I'm not too thrilled with this new feature. 360 degrees videos sure are cool but this is not. Tapi sebab confirm kau tak baca, aku nak cakap yang aku tak suka Yahudi. Tetiba.

Tapi itulah, hidup dalam tahun-tahun pasca-Friendster dan pra-Twitter, semua yang terfikir diluah terus di wall. Still remember that peeps, "wall"?    *chuckles* 

Stress belajar: tulis status.
Bermalasan tak belajar: tulis status.
Takut nak bergaduh depan-depan: tulis status.
Dah bergaduh depan-depan: tulis status.
Bergaduh sebab tulis status: tulis status.

Cringe-fest habis bila dibaca-baca semula. Apa yang rasa penting sangat masa dulu, semua jadi trivial bila dilihat semula. Kenapalah matang sangat buat benda mengarut. Itu apa yang aku fikir tadi.

Sekarang, aku tak berapa nak pasti. Mungkin aku sudah terlampau berhati-hati. Sampai aku sudah hilang keberanian dan spontaneity. Mungkin sebab inilah menderu datang idea dan rasa tapi payah sungguh nak diterjemah dalam kata dan prosa.

Mungkin inilah apa yang aku perlu lakukan. Kali ini, aku mahu jadi lebih spontan dan berani. Apa nak jadi, jadilah. Today, I will beat the cursor.

Publish.

Monday, November 9

Of Nebulae, Stars and The Sun - Part I

I wrote two drafts about you. Two. And as 'draft' is defined, they remain as drafts.

But why they remain so, why I didn't publish them is not the problem here. The problem is why did I ever write about you. But it is as much a problem as eating too much of chocolate is a problem. It's dangerous, but I like it *smack lips*

I can't tell for sure when did I fell for you. If I try to, sure, I would figure it out but the point is I was in denial the whole time. Why I was in denial, that I can answer. At first, you were just a colleague at least, a friend at most. And as with the nature of our workplace, people come and go at the rate of a passing train.You were just a number in a crowd. You were just another people who would finally had enough of the bs and resign. A blip if I paid attention, a blur if I didn't. 

But you were a blip.

Right off the bat, you were walled out by me. Why would I invest too much in someone that would leave at the call of another job offer? But you don't need much, you just need a little to make me realize how beautiful you are. Like a patient nebula, you rise above the rolling dust and smokes. Suddenly the world seems a little less harsh with you around. Suddenly I need some occasional time to be with you. Suddenly, the night sky seems a little less random. Suddenly, I found myself looking for you.

You were a blip, and now suddenly you're a star.

And it didn't help that you weren't my type. Though what exactly is my type is debatable, because I'm the kind of person who would ignore personality quizzes i.e favorite colour, favorite number etcetera. Not because they are total bull (they are), but because I'm not sure I know the answer.

But over time, you went from nu-uh to ah-ha. You grew on me like Yasmin Ahmad movies; nothing much to look at but at the end something profound. There's nothing really outstanding about you at first. You were generally nice and polite, but I've heard you cursed. You were quite funny albeit the occasional hit-and-miss. You listen well but you could talk too. You're not shy to ask for company, but have the pride to wait too.  Maybe that generality is what's so different about you. You don't have the best of things but you have everything that good people possess. You're like an Ikea store, nothing so dazzling but everything is just cozy and warm.

Now you are my first thought when I wake up, and the last when I go to sleep. You invade my mind when I'm at work. When my phone vibrates, a little part of me hope it was you. And when it is you, I will smile foolishly at my made up believe that you were thinking about me all day. You're my guilty pleasure, a distraction I welcome.

But you are as much a distraction to me as my motivation. This is just another thing that's fascinating about you. You would sometime complain about work, but I see it as how much you care about it. When you vent out your frustration, most of the time it is because your effort were limited by incompetency of others. And I see intelligence in how you solved problems that you cursed at. But like everything about you, you do it moderately. You work hard and you mengulor too. You make me respects you enough, but you're not a saint that I have to be on my best behaviour all the time. Even in the mundane nature  of work, you fascinates me. Even in your kindness and modesty, your spontaneous naughtiness amused me. So tell me, how can I not fall for you?

And how can I not wish for you to fall for me too?

 How can I not wish for a falling star?




Friday, September 4

Malam Kita Terakhir

Berhenti merenung aku berhenti
Dengan anak matamu yang terselit simpati
Jika hasratmu untuk pergi
Sepasti matinya hati yang segenggam ini
Pergi saja pergi

Apa lagi yang kautunggu apa
Jika jauh dari aku sudah lama kau cuba
Apalah jarak ini yang tidak sedepa
Tak mengubat hanya menambah luka
Berlarilah kau jauh berlari

Biar aku sendiri berdiri dalam renyai ini
Memasung lengan di penghamparan kecewa
Melutut di dalam lecah dan basah
Jangan kau endah aku memekik meluah amarah
Bulatkan hasratmu jangan sekali berani kau perlahankan kaki  
Tak mahu aku menoleh melihat langkahmu pergi menderap
Hilanglah terus lenyap dalam malam yang pekat menggelap
Biar dingin air langit ini menghapus memori kehangatan
Sewaktu pertama jemari mu menyentuh aku dalam kelam malam
Biar diselubung aku gemuruh awan hitam dicucuh petir langit meruntuh 
Biar aku dan esak tangis aku tenggelam dalam guruh
Biar telinga ini tidak terdengar lagi suaramu ketawa berseloroh
Biar aku pejam mata ini serapat-rapat terkatup ketat 
Biar buta tidak terlihat lagi lengkuk bibirmu mengukir senyum
Biar berjurai mencurah hujan dari mega yang berpintal bergulung
Biar sampai melimpah lautan tak tertampung gunung dan gaung
Biar aku ditelan dihempas
Biar aku dialir hanyut
Biar aku lemas
Kerana tak aku sanggup
Kau aku tak sedegup senafas





Wednesday, May 20

Boneka dan Pentas

Kita benar sekadar boneka
Yang mengidam lepas bebas merdeka
Bila dikerat putus tali yang mengikat
Melemahlah kaki melembiklah lengan
Tersengkek panduan menyeret langkahan
Terbungkam telapak tak terangkat tangan
Tak terlarat kudrat nafas tersekat
Tertunduk kepala merunduk malu
Tersesal hiba terjelepuk layu

Pentas nan sejengkal
Hanya dipingin akal yang dangkal
Mahu dirisik dimilik
Mahu dipeluk ditakluk
Sungguh kalau ditilik kan nampak jelik
Seburuk binaan rebutan makhluk
Jadi hinaan malaikat dan syaitan
Jadi bahan ketawaan Tuhan

Hah!






Tuesday, May 19

Cinta/Rindu

Cinta itu seksa yang diminta. 
Biar perit hati menjerit, masih jerih dipinta dicari. 
Memekik harap, meminta raga, 
Melilit jasad, meronta jiwa,
Mencekik waras, menyesak dada.

Rindu itu sakit yang ditahan.
Bagai berlari tak berhenti, tiada mula tak nampak akhiran.
Mengelak lopak, meneroka jalan,
Meranduk lumpur, terus ke depan,
Tersadung bangkit, terduduk jangan.

Yang mencinta dicinta saling menyeksa terseksa,
Yang merindu dirindu saling menyakit tersakiti.

Aku dan engkau,
Menyeksa dan terseksa,
Menyakit dan tersakiti.

Tuesday, March 31

Yours Forever

You make me feel beautiful
Most mundane things become so playful
When you act all so busy and thoughtful
I'd lock our toes under the table
And you’d give your best face at being disdainful
Well, almost
Until you’d break your character
And your stifled smile now a burst of laughter
And you can now be sure
That I am yours forever

And like little kids on a little adventure
We’d never go sick of being together
We’d see beauty in the littlest things
We’d laugh at the silliest things
And I know you’re the happiest
When you steal a few glances
And timidly touch my fingers
And I will hold you a bit longer
Because I am yours forever

Friday, March 27

Jiesti

Atuk bongkok duduk tercongok
Opah melilau menengok-nengok
Tunggu dibantu beras dan susu
Nak beli sendiri tak cukup mampu

Dulu semua cukup-cukup saja
Habis dijual terung dan petola
Duit yang dapat sekadar dibelanja
Sekarang semuanya kena dikira
Yang ada habis tak pernah bersisa
Keliling pinggang berhutang pula

Untungnya dituai apa ditanam
Sekarang ditolak seperatus dan enam
Apalah nasib memilih Najib
Disangka karib rupanya ifrit

Ingat dah tua hidup selesa
Dapat bersara hidup ditaja
Datang Ji Es Ti sengsara mari
Sibuk berkira tak ingat mati

Alahai cukai
Alahai 
alahai!


Monday, March 16

Biar Aku Bermimpi

Hidup tak berilham,
Datang siang nanti malam,
Jumpa malam tunggu terang.

Ah.
Mengeluh-kesah
Bersusah lelah
Tapi kaya
Tak pernah kunjung
Penatnya rasa
Tak berpenghujung

Kata aku semakin tawar
Tawa aku semakin hambar
Tangis aku semakin hiba

Tapi kering tak berair mata

Biarkan aku sendiri
Biarkan aku mimpi
Kerana indah seribu kali
Imaginasi dari realiti

Friday, March 13

Lama Tak Berjumpa

Ibu sudah lama kita tak bicara.
Abah, tetapkah kita janggal yang sama?

Hari itu
Waktu balik libur di Surabaya
Dalam sesak rambu jalan raya
Aku sumbat cuping dengan fon telinga
Tatal skrin telefon dan tekan Spotify
Lagu Michael Buble kudengar sendiri di celah ramai
Dan tiba-tiba
Jatuh sendiri air hiba

Alun lagu Just Try a Little Tenderness itu
Sudah aku dengar berpuluh kali ulang
Yang dulunya aku interpretasi
Cerita sang isteri yang inginkan hanya cinta
Terimaji semula sebagai derita bonda

Betapa pakai ibuku usang dan kurang
Betapa di benak fikirnya banyak sengsara
Betapa yang ibuku perlu hanya cinta anaknya

Betapa ibu yang dulunya remaja
Pernah ada mimpi dan cita
Akhirnya menjadi suri yang lara
Melayan karenah anak yang ramai
Diuji anak yang jahat perangai
Tersepit nasib yang serba kurang
Terhimpit rumah yang sempit ruang
Terjerit tidak, diluah dalam

Namun kadang ada terbit waktu
Menangis terduduk ibu di bingkai pintu
Diperhati anak-anak yang tak faham tak mengerti
Manakan adil buat ibuku hidup yang ini
Mengadu nasib juga tak punya ruang sendiri!

Dan abah,
Dalam diamnya aku nampak jeritan jerih
Melihat belakang badannya aku sedih
Keringatnya mengalir tak minta simpati
Kudrat dikerah setengah mati
Sekerap getah kau asbabkan rezeki

Dan kau dan ibu selalu seloroh
Busuk bau getah ini bau duit!
Dan kami ketawa dan lari
Dihulur tangan berbau rezeki

Aku sudah dewasa kini
Walau aku tak punya apa
Tapi tetap pasti juga
Aku anak yang kau bangga

Maafkan aku

Ibu, malam ini ayuh kita bicara.
Abah, jangan kita janggal lagi ya?

Monday, March 9

Pentas

Lorong ke dewan terang-benderang. Kosong tiada manusia. Aiman tolak pintu bertampal kertas tercoret “Madam Rita’s Open Audition”. Gelap.

“Berdiri di tanda ‘X’ dan mula menyanyi,” kata satu bayang besar di bangku penonton.

“Terus nyanyi?” Tanya Aiman sambil memanjat tangga pentas.

“Ya. Sing.”

“Lagu…lagu apa, madam?”

Can’t you just sing for God’s sake! Negaraku, lagu raya, whatever!

Aiman capai mikrofon. Terjatuh. Bunyi bingit bergema. Bayang itu mendengus, kertas di tangannya dilempar ke pentas.

Nyanyiiiiiiii!!!”

Aiman panik. Mikrofon bergolek hilang dari bawah cahaya lampu sorot. Aiman menggagau dalam samar.

Bila Aiman mendongak, bayang itu membesar, mendaki tangga.

“Kalau ada stage fright, jangan datang audition aku! Faham!?” Madam Rita berdiri satu kaki depan Aiman.

Aiman bingkas bangun. Aiman rentap mikrofon di tangan. Tak sedar wayarnya berselirat di bawah kaki Madam Rita. Terlilit di betisnya. Madam Rita jatuh. Ke bawah pentas. Kepala dahulu.

Aiman tertiarap atas pentas. Mikrofon masih digenggam. Aiman menjenguk ke bawah pentas. Aiman hidu hanyir darah. Aiman dengar bunyi nafas. Perlahan, tersekat-sekat, kemudian senyap.

“Oh, shit.”

***

Lorong ke dewan terang-benderang. Kosong tiada manusia. Haida tolak pintu bertampal kertas.

Madam Rita’s Open Audition.
Live and die on the stage.


Haida nampak satu susuk besar terbaring. Haida nampak merah. Haida jerit.

Sunday, January 25

Bawa Aku Pergi

Aku kian kehilangan Tuhan.

Aku tak berharta tak berteman
Hidupku kosong dan sendirian

Dan dunia terlalu banyak dugaan
Kau akan kulupa kusalahkan

Tuhan, bawa saja aku pergi dari dunia ini
Sebelum aku kehilanganMu dalam kehitaman hati
Sebelum aku bisu untuk bicara padaMu lagi.

Saturday, January 3

Closure

I wish I never knew you. You were never my intention. You were a distraction. You were at the back of my mind crying for attention. I regret each and every moment I come to know you, love you, hate you.

You were like a celestial body, a gravity I can't escape. You were like a bad novel I can't put down. You were in my dreams. You were in my mind at my calmest and busiest moments. You were an itch that can't be ignored nor can be scratched away.

You were my Sun. A warmth when my life was cold and bleak. A torture when I was so thirsty I couldn't speak.

You were a tree I seek for some shade. Then you overshadowed me, depriving me of shine like a wilting shrub.

You soiled my past with memories I don't want to recall. You infest my present like a weed I can't uproot. You pester my future like an echo that won't go mute.

You made me run in circles. You made me a slave of my emotions. You made me defy logic and conscience. You were my aggression, my manic depression. You were my lithium; you calm me down and then hit me hard with vertigo.

You were a drug I can't let go.

Not until now. I will let you go now. Drift slowly you now because no matter how the horizon will eat you up. You will forever vanish from my sight and my mind. Watch your back because I will no longer be your fallback. Please go and don't come back. Go as far as you can, and then some.

So that's it. Goodbye.
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