perfectlyimperfect

Aku pemuja malam cerah. Lembut sinar sang bulan. Kerdip cahaya  bebintang. Bayang-bayang yang kelam. Sahut-sahut unggas berlagu. Dingin bayu yang berlalu. Kelip-kelip cuba sembunyi. Cengkerik tak henti berbunyi. Dan degup jantung yang selari.

Dear You. How are you doing? I hope you're doing fine without me. What about chasing your dream that you always told me? I'm hoping that doing fine too.  Hey you, I'm sorry that I didn't write you any sooner. I've been caught up in busyness. Unlike you, I still cannot find the rhythm and pace of my everyday routines. I'm still the mess that I was before. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night, screaming on top of my lungs from the same nightmares that I had the night before. Sometimes, the nightmare stops only to be replaced by sad dreams, so sad that I cried in my sleep. I know I cried because when I woke up, the pillow was damped or I had tear lines drawn horizontally on my cheeks. Sometimes I cannot get out of the bed in the morning, because I was still trying to sleep. Because I'm too tired of not sleeping the night before. Don't worry though. Hey you, in case you want to find me, I'm still working at the the place we first met. Mem...

I'm going to leave my past here, loads that were neither needed nor wanted, loads that have been dragging me slow, loads that have been spinning me out of control. And jump to the other side, where I believe the grass greener, the air sweeter. I'm about to take a leap of faith. This is me taking a few steps back. This is me gaining momentum. This is me murmuring prayers. This is me taking a deep breath. This is me, believing myself.

Mungkin bagi kau aku mudah diperalat. Hanya kerana aku lebih mudah menurut, semua permintaan aku tak diendah. Hanya kerana aku sering memulakan langkah, mudah untuk kau mengatakan "tidak". Dalam pelbagai kesilapan yang kau lakukan sepanjang hidup kau, memandang enteng nilai diri aku adalah kesilapan kau yang terbesar. Ya aku menurut, mcam lembu bingai dicucuk hidung. Ya aku mengalah, bagai pesalah yang diacu pistol. Jika kesalahan terbesar kau adalah memandang rendah padaku, memandang diri kau lebih tinggi adalah permulaan kepada penyesalan seumur hidup engkau. Kau lupa mungkin, lembu yang dicucuk hidung itu punya upaya untuk menanduk dan memijak tanpa dijangka. Kau lupa juga, aku bisa saja mengilas tanganmu dan tak perlu aku terangkan lagi pistol itu kini diacu ke kepala siapa. Kau mungkin bijak mengambil kesempatan, tapi kau bodoh bila engkau sangka aku seperti yang engkau jangka. Tidak, aku bukan mengumpul daya untuk bertindak, aku sudah punya itu. Tidak, aku bu...