Summertime Sadness

   Seems like it was just yesterday we were walking down the hill towards the lake, wrapping up our day looking at the sunset. Everyone else scattered around the edge of the lake, under the trees, in pairs of twos and threes. Some were half-shouting to the vendor to give them their junk food and soft drinks that they cannot get at any other time. Apart from that, there’s not too much to see there, the whole area can get quite dark in the late evening, it’s like a tunnel being under the canopy of trees. Some would find it beautiful looking at the water shimmering the yellow and red of the sky, framed by the dark silhouette of the foliage. 

    Against the endless routine of marching practices and nation building classes, this setting seemed laid-back enough for us to breathe and rest our minds. Well, my mind because I cannot stop thinking why you want me to be around you. You see, I was unsure how much my worth was back then to deserve being with anyone, let alone you. I’m sure you don’t think like that because you’re you, ever so kind and just a joy to be around with. Everybody likes you, and you everyone. I guess it must be difficult for you on days when I just don’t like myself enough to let anyone likes me back. It seems a little silly to say this now, but I know now I was such a child and I’m sorry.

    Sometimes, when I’m alone on a bus or a train, I will remember the many bus trips we took during the camp. It was never the destination, in fact I cannot even form a complete memory of any of the places we went to even when I try. But it was the moments along the way that I missed. Now and again they pop into my mind without warning, not that I’m complaining. Eyes closed, head pressed against the window glass, the hum of the traffic or the sound of the steel wheel against the track reverberates the subconscious longing in my slumber, and the forgotten moments float atop the sand of time, waiting to be discovered by the eyes of my mind, and when they did, I can see us again, young and free. There we were, on the bus talking and laughing about nothing while we rolled along the road to nowhere. There’s just something so inexplicably endearing and innocent and sweet about sitting next to each other, and just…talk. Seems like there’s just us in our own little world despite being surrounded with another thirty plus care-free teenagers. I’m sure they were in their own world, too. Oh, to be young again!

    Do you remember you thought I was Chinese at first? Confession time, I thought you’re arrogant haha. I guess that’s why it was so easy for us to talk once we know each other, because we’re just nothing like what we thought we were, in fact we’re so similar we just clicked. We were both from a boarding school. And we both love science. I mean, what teenager talks about science outside of school? It was fun seeing your eyes lit up when you talk about Einstein. I was always fascinated by light and space and time, but we were just not there yet to learn about theory of relativity, E=mc2, the works. But there you were, showing me your prized book; Teori Relativiti or something. Yes, in BM. Pretty sure you stole it from a library but what's the sin in that when there’s no one going to notice it anyway? I wonder how many times you read that book because the binding of the book was almost busted.

    But it was not all nerdy talk, there’s dirty talk too, but not that kind of dirty. Sometimes you talk crap about others, and I always laughed because it was so out of your character. That and the pouty mouth you make when you complained. I'm glad that you did, although you always regretted telling them (yeah, right). Because it reminded me that you’re not some perfect being, that you’re a teenager too. But one cannot be living their teenage life to the fullest without talking about music, and talk about music we did. It was a Saturday maybe because we were on our free time. Me, Eri, Sang, and you would meet up at the hut we always meet to pass our time. Somehow that day one budak surau got away with playing nasyid on the surau’s PA system. It didn’t surprised me when we sang along to the tune because you guys were the very definition of budak baik (minus Sang haha), even more baik than budak surau. Naturally, we end up talking about the songs we like. Me the Top 40s, Eri the rock kapak, and Sang the Malay hits (all the Sitis and Nors). But you surprised us yet again when you said you listen to metal songs from bands so obscure, you laughed when I said I listened to System of a Down. I mean, what are you?

    Can you remember it ever rain when we were there? I don’t, and to me it was as close as I can get to a summer camp. Now, on days too hot to do anything but to laze away and stares at the sky, the adult me will feel some kind of sadness, my mind will be infected by fragments of emotion from decades long gone. A time when we were still too young to learn to not put our hearts on our sleeves. A time when we would jump head first into the pool of our feelings, bruised and blue be damned. In the hut across the field, or under the trees that dotted the hill towards the lake, or on the bus heading God knows where, it seemed like we can talk endlessly. Time stretched long like spaghetti for as long as we want to talk. Time seemed to grace us with all of her and it seemed we have her forever, how naive. Because like every other good things, they all come to an end. I had to leave for my studies.

    When I heard the news, time ceased to exist, like we’re sucked into a blackhole we cannot climb out of. It was so abrupt I had no chance to feel anything. We didn’t exchanged our numbers because we have no phones back then, I think. We probably promised each other to keep in touch but Lord knows how. My fickle memory, always betray me. All I can recall was the very last moments when we bid our farewell. We hugged each other like we know we will never see each other again.Tears were shed. Eri was sobbing like a child it broke my heart. Looking through the rear window of the car, I saw you guys waving me goodbye, smaller and smaller until you vanished behind the curve. 

I wonder where you are now. I wonder if you missed me. Because I do.