Siapa Saya Sebenarnya

This is a really panjang post...so I bold out some main points to help you. Enjoy/Suffer!

Since I know what life is, there’s nothing in it but pain. I cannot do this without help, yet I’m here, by myself. It’s like I’m invisible, no one cares. It’s like I’m invincible, they hurt me everytime. You see, when I choose this path, I choose myself to be alone. And with that, I’m lonely. If I can, I will choose the path the majority took, but there’s only one truth: I can’t. No one would probably understand this, but there’s nothing playful about this. I choose this painful path, just because the path you took will probably hurt me more than this. I didn’t choose myself to be different; I’m made different. Every night was the blackest night for me. Everytime I creep into my bed, I can’t help but to think of how lonely the day was.

Perhaps you can never understand me,perhaps you would ask, ”how can a person so happy and glee said that he was lonely? How can a person who laugh at the silliest jokes, said that he’d been through his day alone?”

pensel+ kertas...based on foto raya

aku pernah senyum macam ni dulu.sekarang, I doubt it will be as this sincere.

Bottled up inside me are secrets. So illogical, it’s a taboo. So unacceptable, it’s a disgrace to have. It’s the mother of all secrets, secrets I can’t tell to anyone: my family, my parents, my friends, you and I can’t even tell them to myself. I lived the life so carefully, so nobody knows. Everyday is a challenge, everyone is a threat. So tell me, how can anyone with such secrets cannot feel alone? You see, I’ve been longing for one best friend for too long now. But how can I have one, when I cannot brave myself to tell my deepest, darkest secrets? How?

I’ve been living my life afraid. I’m so insecure. I’m so fragile. That’s why I have this shell around me. I had once told myself, I’d never be hurt just because I’m an anomaly to the crowd. Since then, I’m collecting ego and wrath. I’ve been an angry, unforgiving human. And with that, I choose to be alone. I had to be.

I trust no one. I kept everything inside, living my life in disguise. Half of my life I’ve been someone else. Don’t you feel like you don’t know me, because even I can’t tell you who I am. Half of my life, I’ve hurt others so that I will never be hurt. There will be day that I regretted hurting others, but my head would always said that this is for my own good. That I need a protection, and this hurting is one good protection.

What have I become? Who am I?

You see, everybody said that what I’ve been living in is occurring to everyone. That I’m not alone. Seriously? Are you talking about that insecure teenage age? Don’t worry, even I have the same trouble of looking good, or having the coolest friends, or hanging out at the bestest place. I’m all that and; the secret. The secret can top all the other, so what’s you’ve been feeling, times that by two. Apalah sangat nak rasa lawa, atau nak kawan yang cool.

Now you know it. A slight glimpse of a miserable Naja. Or maybe nobody will know, because maybe nobody care to read this lengthy crap. And hey, don’t worry, I will not cut my wrist or anything yeah