perfectlyimperfect

So you know Forrest Gump? The scene where he just abandoned everything and just...ran? I feel like doing that now. I think I want to do that. I think I need to do that. So you know Umar r.a? The time when he laughed and cried remembering how he buried his daughter alive? I feel like that now. My body got confused as to what kind of response is appropriate for what I'm feeling. You watched Fight Club? I never really beat anyone nor beaten up by anyone like in the movie. I think I need a good beating right now. Heck,I would pay anyone to beat me up right now. I am sort of empathetic now to those people who cut their wrist.  Or those people who chose random faces to slam their fist. Why people became an alcoholic.  Or a drug addict. Shouldn't I be worried of myself?  Please tell me. Because I dunno anymore

I feel like an old turtle I dived too deep into the ocean I forgot the last time I filled my lungs with air I'm still too far from the ocean bed I dreamed to reach And no where near the surface I desperately need to breath I'm down to the last bit of O 2 . I want to breathe out this CO 2 -filled lungs But I know the vacuum will sucked in the H 2 O Filling every voids with pain What to do, what to do but to cry  But crying feels a bit redundant now eh? What's a few drop of tears to a vast pool of saltwater? This entry is a joke. I am a joke. Ugly skin, flailing flippers, useless shell... What could be funnier than a sinking upturned turtle, die trying to dream big? "When you try your best but you don't succeed, When you get what you want but not what you need, When you feel so tired but you can't sleep, Stuck in reverse"

When I have problems I know no one will care, Or too embarrassing for me to share, At a time like this, Having a best friend is all I wish. Always wanted one, doesn't mean I deserved any.

I doubted You, Like I have any rights to, Although it seems like the right thing to do, When my life came to a halt, And I found no way to restart. I ignored You, A restrained rebel of a one-man riot, Subtle like a cold treatment of young lovers, My prayers were short and rushed, Your words on the shelf collecting dust, And what a year of that brought me, But emptiness and misery. Then I ‘get’ You, I finally get You. You are no government I can overthrow, You are no lover I can ignore, You are my creator, Never a moment You need me, Forever and always I need You!

I first learn to sleep during a Friday sermon when I was 12 years old. I was in Form 1 in boarding school. Before that, the idea of sleeping during sermon was unheard of.  Talking during sermon on the other hand make sense, because all your friends will be there. But sleeping? Why walk to a mosque and sleep? Why not skip sermon altogether and just go late for Friday prayer? You walk to a mosque to sleep in that God awful position to wake up just for a cramp in your leg? Well, that’s basically the kind of questions I would ask IF I know the idea of sleeping during sermon exist, but no I didn’t.  I learn that idea when I first felt sleepy in a small mosque in Jelebu in 2002, where the Bilal’s azan was deafening and he a near-deaf old man. And oh boy no one in their right mind would even think to question the need to sleep at that point. I blame the system for that guilty pleasure. You know how restless life in boarding school is. Your life is scheduled out of your...