perfectlyimperfect

Siapa engkau? Kau tak tahu siapa aku Jauhnya jalan sudah aku lalu Banyaknya liku sudah aku tempuh Lelahnya terluka tersungkur terjatuh Kau tiba waktu aku sudah di akhir garisan Melangkah longlai seksa sendirian Sesudah aku mencuba, mengalah, menyalah Tuhan Setelah aku berkira untuk keseorangan Aku merangkak mula dari dasar terdalam Kau meluru bagai batu angkasa yang menghujan Apa kau mahu buat aku terbungkam direjam Apa ku mahu tak tertafsir terfaham terujar Kau dan aku Tak mungkin menjadi kita

At the very instance between life and death, I found out that I did not think of God. Okay, now that I already started an entry with a statement that can excite brouhaha from the likes of Ibrahim Ali and the other malays-only Islamic party (ahem) , let me ask you to hold your judgement until I made my point. So, hear me out. It took a car accident for me to realize that I will not be thinking of God in life-threatening situations, or more accurately I will probably not say His name if I'm going to die a sudden death. Heck, I didn't even think "I'm going to die." Because as amazing as we claimed our human brains to be, they just shut off when dealing things like this. Trillions of synapses and none of them sparked a good reaction, neither that can save my life (pull the handbreak!) or save my afterlife (shout Allahuakbar!). The accident happened right in front of Mines. A lot of roads diverging and converging there, a lot of cars were on the road, and a lot...

Bila bibir kita berbicara tentang dosa-dosa silam Yang tersulam dengan keterlanjuran jiwa Langsung tertawa kita mengenang kebodohan dulu Bodoh memilih cinta Bodoh melayan rindu Bodoh menilai dusta Bodoh menurut nafsu Here we are again in your car. Our little miserable space. A district of fools, population two. Yet this is home, this is perfect. In this enclosed space, we locked everything outside to the point that they don't matter. Like we're at the VIP seats of an outdoor cinema playing reruns we don't bother to watch.   Bounded in this compound of metal and glass, we feel safe to pour our hearts out. And the acoustic here; it's almost pillow talk quality, whether it's because you literally have pillows in the car is debatable. It echoes our voices, resonates our emotions, and amplifies the weight of our conversation. We set the mood with some Yuna, and then we're off.  It is always the same, the things we talk about. If someone is ...

I longed for the time when things are simpler, when the future doesn’t matter, the past is not a bother. I longed for them because I have little memory of those moments. I realized that I had no recollection of my past when I chat with a friend about us growing up. It’s a scary thought, that everything I know will fade to black, into the abyss of forgetfulness. And that everything I do remember will either be unimportant, hurtful, or at best embarrassing. That everything I love will be something I used to love. When did it happened, from loving someone to loved someone?  How can someone so essential, now just a stranger. How did my heart decide it’s time to move on, to let go? My mind to forget, to suppress? Because we are different now? I’m sure we have more now than what we had the first time we met. Because we have more uncommon things now? Because we now know we are capable to hate each other? I thought love is the strongest force in the universe. How co...

I can see it in your eyes, they're smiling. I can see it in your smile, it's telling. I can hear it in your silence, thinking. It's clear as day. Yet I cannot be the one who's going to confess Not because of my selfworth, but rather, my unworthiness. I cannot let your future shaped by my attitude and ineptitude. I cannot force you into a family I myself cannot handle. I cannot put such burden on your shoulders. I cannot put that idea in you. I cannot just say, "let's try. Let's go as far as we can go." I can't. I want you to have control of your life. I want you to be happy. I want you to do anything and everything because you want to. Not because of me. I cannot ask you. Even if I need you. Even if I cannot live without you. Even if I'll be by myself for eternity. Yet I'll be here for you, When you want me, When you need me.

Wake up on a Sunday morning, So determine to get up and do something, So many ideas pop in my mind,  going to do each and every one, Only to realize what popped in vegas my mind stays in my mind Because really I don't need to do something, I need  someone . And I don't have one. I should probably get a cat. Hmm.

No one ever makes me feel this way No one ever says everything you say No one ever can compare to your eyes No one ever can outshine your smile I like the way you listen to my words I like the way you understand my stutters and silence I like how sometimes I caught you looking I like how you look beautiful without you trying I dream of you in my dreams, Even when there's no you in them, I think of you in my dreams. Even when I have nightmares, It's the thought of you that I wake up to You're my heartbeats My intuition My thoughts My center of attention My ground My pillow My home My voice to follow My saviour My life My breath My reason to live My reason to love, My love.

The conversation was cut short. Hearing each others voice after so long, it's awkward. There's a tension we both can't deny but we chose to ignore anyway. You asked your questions, I asked mine. But we both know that the answers didn't matter. There were pauses and complete silences,a lot. But that, too, didn't matter. I heard the nervousness in your voice. I'm sure you heard mine too. And that final pause, we instinctively decided that the separation is too much, that the conversation was not enough; so we said our goodbyes, a moment too early. Because we both want to continue missing each other, and we do that better without us talking.

How can I say it When I don't know if you will hear How can I come close When I'm not sure if you want me near How can I invite you When there's no guarantee you will be here How can I be happy When I think you wouldn't want to see my tears But how can I know When I can't bring myself to

Aku rasa...kosong Kosong yang terlalu kosong. Sampaikan dinding yang menyempadan kekosongan Ikut sama terdorong ke lohong Tersedut ke vakum ketiadaan Menjadi koktel ruang dan waktu Yang tidak boleh lagi diukur dengan meter dan minit Lalu masa dahulu,sekarang dan mendatang menjadi satu    Maka dalam ketika yang sama dan berbeza Aku bebas dan tersepit Aku serentak mendiam dan menjerit Aku ada dan tiada. Lagi kosong dari kosong.