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Sunday, February 19

The Crossroad

I feel like I finally reached the crossroad that I dread. With each step, my heart sank a little more. The heaviness is not in my feet, but rather, in my chest. All the stops that I took did nothing more than just delaying the inevitable. All the detours always, always lead me back to this.

The other day someone asked me how old I am? And I hesitated. No, not because I'm afraid to reveal how old I am, because it's pretty evident that I look my age, there's just no point lying. Right hand to God, at that time I forgot my age! So my head did a little calculation and I just realized that I'm freakin 27 going 28.

Not caring about your age might seem romantic, but that is only true if you're living your life knowing what you want. And I'm not.

What is my accomplishment so far? I don't have my own car (and it's killing me). I'm not in anyway close to owning a house, heck I don't even rent one because I'm living in a subsidized company house which is basically a slum with all the drama I had to endure on a daily basis. I don't invest my money. I'm still at my first job (that's as far as I can comment about that, but you get the gist).

In essence I avoid all the prerequisite steps a boy has to take to become a man. I run. I hide. I live the day without really thinking what's going to happen tomorrow. And I wish I do my best every day, that would be great, go ahead turn my selfies into motivational posters. But I dread each of them. I'm stuck.

I don't need to follow other people's typical lives, yeah sure, but it's become apparent to me that I'm nothing more than typical. This is not self pity, but a realization. I'm not going to change the world. I don't have any talent that I can capitalize. I'm socially awkward and sometimes downright hostile. I'm failing everything. If it makes any sense, right now while I'm typing this down I'm reminded of my 10-years-old self. You have so much potential. You were ambitious. Idealistic. I failed you and I'm sorry.

I need to turn this around, damn it.

But I don't know if I can. I just don't know if I can.

1 tohmahan:

Anonymous said...

We are never too late for anything