The Crossroad

I feel like I finally reached the crossroad that I dread. With each step, my heart sank a little more. The heaviness is not in my feet, but rather, in my chest. All the stops that I took did nothing more than just delaying the inevitable. All the detours always, always lead me back to this.

The other day someone asked me how old I am? And I hesitated. No, not because I'm afraid to reveal how old I am, because it's pretty evident that I look my age, there's just no point lying. Right hand to God, at that time I forgot my age! So my head did a little calculation and I just realized that I'm freakin 27 going 28.

Not caring about your age might seem romantic, but that is only true if you're living your life knowing what you want. And I'm not.

What is my accomplishment so far? I don't have my own car (and it's killing me). I'm not in anyway close to owning a house, heck I don't even rent one because I'm living in a subsidized company house which is basically a slum with all the drama I had to endure on a daily basis. I don't invest my money. I'm still at my first job (that's as far as I can comment about that, but you get the gist).

In essence I avoid all the prerequisite steps a boy has to take to become a man. I run. I hide. I live the day without really thinking what's going to happen tomorrow. And I wish I do my best every day, that would be great, go ahead turn my selfies into motivational posters. But I dread each of them. I'm stuck.

I don't need to follow other people's typical lives, yeah sure, but it's become apparent to me that I'm nothing more than typical. This is not self pity, but a realization. I'm not going to change the world. I don't have any talent that I can capitalize. I'm socially awkward and sometimes downright hostile. I'm failing everything. If it makes any sense, right now while I'm typing this down I'm reminded of my 10-years-old self. You have so much potential. You were ambitious. Idealistic. I failed you and I'm sorry.

I need to turn this around, damn it.

But I don't know if I can. I just don't know if I can.

Comments

Anonymous said…
We are never too late for anything
April 22, 2017 at 1:52 AM
Post a Comment

Popular

Superficial

I'm a munch-the-ice-after-the-iced-tea-is-finished kind of boy. I'm a trivial-facts-giver kind of boy. I'm a loud-on-the-social-network-silent-in-real-life kind of boy. I'm a silent-with-strangers-but-annoyingly-loud-with-friends kind of boy. I'm a plan-introducing-but-get-turned-down-most-of-the-time kind of boy. I'm a yeah-why-not-when-asked-of-doing-something kind of boy. I'm a want-something-but-will-not-tell-what-when-feeling-unhappy kind of boy. I'm a look-out-of-the-window-when-travelling kind of boy. I'm a trying-too-hard-to-make-people-laugh-that-makes-people-do-not-laugh kind of boy. I'm a can-forgive-can't-forget kind of boy. I'm a cry-when-watching-sad-movies-alone kind of boy. Those are just something that I bet you don't really notice about me. That's just my shell. Some superficial facts about me. The surface of me. So if you don't know all those non-secret things about me, chances are you don...
Baca »

Love-Hate

I love my anak buah, but they're LOUD. I love my internship, but it's tiring. I love my laptop, but it's - old. I love my phone, but it's not a smartphone. I love my sisters, but they're crazy. I love my lil sis, but she's gone. I love my parents, but they're- dramatic. I love my childhood, but it's bitter. I love my neighbourhood, but it's a FELDA. I love my fashion-taste, but my wallet don't. I love my friends, but do they? I love my confidence, but I'm a coward. I love Korean dramas, but the girls love them too much. I love Inception, but the girls can't understand it. I love Gaga, but she's too weird. I love Glee, but it's too liberal. I love Britney, but she's wasted. I love Ricky Martin, but he wore silver leggings. I love Harry Potter, but not the ending. I love the Oprah Show, but it's over. I love the Oprah Show, but nu-uh Dr Oz. I love Sheldon Cooper, but not you Amy Farr...
Baca »

Coklat

Ini adalah sambungan kepada tulisan yang pernah dikongsikan pada September 2013 : Vanila “ Apa maksud kau kau nak pergi jauh? Aku tak faham.” “Aku dapat tawaran sambung belajar di US.” “Aku tak kisah kau nak pergi US ke, London ke, Korea Utara ke. Yang aku kisah janji kita!” Dia tunduk, diam. Aku jalan mundar-mandir. Dalam hati ini bergolak seribu rasa. “Aku sudah tolak tawaran-tawaran yang aku dapat sebab kita janji kita nak study sini saja. Sampai hati kau buat aku macam ni. Sampai hati kau khianati janji kita. Khianati aku!” “Maaf.” Lama diam. Angin yang tadi bertiup pun ikut berhenti berhembus. Yang ada hanya sayup bunyi-bunyi budak bermain dari seberang padang. Sedikit demi sedikit aku menyusun pemikiran aku agar tak tersalah bicara. Dia bukan orang yang suka-suka buat keputusan tanpa sebab munasabah. “Baiklah. Jujur aku marah, aku tak faham kenapa kau macam ni. Tapi itu kita sembang belakang. Tentang tawaran yang aku tolak tu aku boleh cuba buat rayuan. Tapi hal yang penting sek...
Baca »