perfectlyimperfect

I moved out to somewhere closer to my workplace. So Emak and my sisters came to visit my house. I think my house is pretty decent, and it can be awesome if you really look at it with an open mind. The rent is considerably cheap since it's in Shah Alam. That includes air and api. Plus there's fridge, stove and washing machine. On top of that there's a flat HD TV with Astro Beyond for some astronomical high definition goodness (pun intended). There's internet too, although it would be awesome to have Unifi I have no complaint using the current continental-drift-slow Streamyx. Really, what more could I ask for? But obviously, Emak has a lot more to ask for. And this opinion of hers resonates with of my sis'. One step into the house, my sis said this house screams BUJANG. Well, in my defense I am. So there's that. Retrospectively, that's probably the first thing that crosses my mind too when I first stepped through the door. And then there's this tal...

I hated it when people are so careful around me. I hated it when people are carefree, when they are not around me. I hated it when they calculated their action because of my past reactions. I hated it when I have opinions on everything even when there's no one asking I hated it when I’m too scared of giving opinions because I used to have too many opinions. I hated it when I cannot find the balance, between talking too much and being too silent. I hated it when I’m expected to be loud, when it’s expected I’m most spiteful at my loudest. I hated it. I hate me.

“Pinjam stapler boleh?” tanya aku, gugup. “Apa dia?” balas Siti, matanya masih di monitor komputer. “ Stapler tu...boleh saya pinjam?” “Oh, ambillah, ambil. Setakat stapler tak payahlah mintak-mintak izin.” balas Siti sambil tersenyum, matanya terpicing, nakal. Pantas dia sambung menekan-nekan papan kekunci. “Habis apa je yang kena mintak izin? Klip kertas? Kertas A4? Gunting? Gam?” tanya aku sambil mengepil kertas-kertas A4. Bergurau tapi sebenarnya nak tahu jugak. Siti berhenti menaip. Kali ini dia badannya ikut pusing dengan jeling matanya. “Amboi amboi amboi. Kalau sampai boleh senaraikan barang-barang dalam kedai stationery, takkan tak pandai nak beli sendiri?” Serius wajah Siti buat aku cuak. Kalau tak kerana decit tawanya selepas itu, boleh terkencing aku ditenung begitu. “Orang main-main je la.” Sambung Siti lagi, mungkin sebab jelas terbaca perkataan 'CUAK' di muka aku. “Ambil je. Bukan orang punya pun, company punya.” “Oh, ada bagi eh? Saya tak ...

Bibir Man bergetar-getar. Penumbuknya digenggam sampai timbul urat. Pembuluh darah matanya jadi merah pekat. Hidungnya kembang kempis menahan marah. Marah sungguh. Tak pernah aku lihat rupanya sebegini bengis. Aku tepuk-tepuk dan genggam bahunya kiri kanan. “Sabar,Man.” Dia toleh dan jeling aku, lantas ditepis tangan aku, melayang. “Kau apa tahu?” Berundur aku setapak dua. Terkejut satu,takut pun ya juga. Man tak pernah sekasar ini dengan aku. “Kau orang senang. Apa yang kau tahu?” serentak itu mata Man berkaca. Herot-berot mukanya menahan tangis. “Apa ni Man? Kita dah lama kawan. Kau tahu aku tak kisah benda-benda macam tu.” “Aku kisah. . Siti kisah. Mak bapak Siti kisah.” “Man...” Mati bicara aku. Man bukan orang yang senang dibawa bincang. Dalam situasi begini lagilah. Nak tak nak aku kena tolong Man. Tapi aku perlukan penjelasan. Aku seluk poket seluar mencapai telefon bimbit. Aku tinggalkan Man yang masih cuba mengawal tangisnya. Aku dail nombor pertama dalam...

I need to feel like a man Not for you to be my mom I’m perfectly capable of living alone But a better life with you along But now I feel less like a man And you a lot like my mom Yes true that I do love my mother But loving you like that is weird altogether Maybe I come back when I’m more of a man Maybe I come back when you’re less a mother When you no more dictate today’s underpants When you don’t ask did I take too short a shower Baby, the rule is simple I’m more of a man if you don’t mother me You’re more my woman if you smother me. With love I mean not endless nagging With matrimonial love not maternal ranting. Baby, I can be your baby Please, just not too literally.

Take my hand right, And hold on to it tight, We will walk through the night, Till we spot the first light. Walk a little longer, Because one step is another step closer, Just a few more my dear, Persevere, chase away the fear. It’s so dark I know,come near To my voice you follow,you hear They’re slipping away from mine, your fingers At my side you stay, I’m here, Darling, where are you? Hold still, I get you, This will take me a moment, Wait there please a second. My love, can you answer me Where are you, I cannot see, There you are, you make me worry, I left you cold and weary, Oh darling I’m sorry. Oh there darling , Can you  see the light, can you see it? It’s so near now I can reach it, Be patient my darling, Soon our hands will stop shaking, Soon our bodies will stop shivering, And our hearts...stop beating.

Petang itu aku berjumpa dengan dia di pangkin sebelah padang. Berjumpa atas permintaannya. Jadi aku tahu ini mesti hal penting. “Kenapa?” aku cuba memulakan. Dia menoleh, kemudian kembali membelakangi aku. “Panas kan cuaca sekarang?” balasnya dengan pertanyaan. “Hmm.” “Kau dah makan?” “Dah.” Sunyi kembali. Ah, aku benci begini. Kenapa mesti kau tanya soalan yang aku boleh jawab sepatah? Dia berpaling. Tenung aku. “Kenapa aku tanya kau jawab sepatah je?” soal dia bagai membaca apa dibenak aku. “Sebab kau tak jawab soalan aku dulu.” “Alah takkan itu pun nak sentap.” Ketawa. Melihatnya ketawa mematahkan rajuk aku, aku ikut tertawa. Tetapi ada resah pada matanya yang membuatkan aku yakin, ada satu perasaan yg bergejolak dalam dadanya. “Jadi… kenapa kau nak jumpa ni?” aku mencuba lagi bertanya sebelum sepi menyusup masuk. Dan dia balas pertanyaan aku dengan senyuman. Kembali tunduk merenung kaki. You’ve gotta be kidding me.  Did ...

1. I've been thinking of going off the grid so many times. And every single time I set my heart to do so I found out that I just can't stop socializing. 2. Things like Myspace, Friendster, Yahoo! Messenger, Facebook and Twitter etc. always intrigued me. Being a selectively outgoing introvert (I'm just making things up here), cyber space suits me well to keep being the timid me around public and the mulut longkang amongst close friends. 3.Although as you can see those things die out eventually. Like who pakai Friendster anymore? When was the last time you post something on Facebook? Myspace lagilah, tak sempat nak set up account dead already. And YM (oh those days!) is basically replaced by Skype,FB chat, Whatsapp, Line, Kakao Talk and whatever lah that I don't bother to keep up anymore. Ahh the attempt to revive Friendster 3.But my point here is (finally) I envy those who can restrain themselves to only use those things exactly like they should. More o...

So you know Forrest Gump? The scene where he just abandoned everything and just...ran? I feel like doing that now. I think I want to do that. I think I need to do that. So you know Umar r.a? The time when he laughed and cried remembering how he buried his daughter alive? I feel like that now. My body got confused as to what kind of response is appropriate for what I'm feeling. You watched Fight Club? I never really beat anyone nor beaten up by anyone like in the movie. I think I need a good beating right now. Heck,I would pay anyone to beat me up right now. I am sort of empathetic now to those people who cut their wrist.  Or those people who chose random faces to slam their fist. Why people became an alcoholic.  Or a drug addict. Shouldn't I be worried of myself?  Please tell me. Because I dunno anymore

I feel like an old turtle I dived too deep into the ocean I forgot the last time I filled my lungs with air I'm still too far from the ocean bed I dreamed to reach And no where near the surface I desperately need to breath I'm down to the last bit of O 2 . I want to breathe out this CO 2 -filled lungs But I know the vacuum will sucked in the H 2 O Filling every voids with pain What to do, what to do but to cry  But crying feels a bit redundant now eh? What's a few drop of tears to a vast pool of saltwater? This entry is a joke. I am a joke. Ugly skin, flailing flippers, useless shell... What could be funnier than a sinking upturned turtle, die trying to dream big? "When you try your best but you don't succeed, When you get what you want but not what you need, When you feel so tired but you can't sleep, Stuck in reverse"

When I have problems I know no one will care, Or too embarrassing for me to share, At a time like this, Having a best friend is all I wish. Always wanted one, doesn't mean I deserved any.

I doubted You, Like I have any rights to, Although it seems like the right thing to do, When my life came to a halt, And I found no way to restart. I ignored You, A restrained rebel of a one-man riot, Subtle like a cold treatment of young lovers, My prayers were short and rushed, Your words on the shelf collecting dust, And what a year of that brought me, But emptiness and misery. Then I ‘get’ You, I finally get You. You are no government I can overthrow, You are no lover I can ignore, You are my creator, Never a moment You need me, Forever and always I need You!

I first learn to sleep during a Friday sermon when I was 12 years old. I was in Form 1 in boarding school. Before that, the idea of sleeping during sermon was unheard of.  Talking during sermon on the other hand make sense, because all your friends will be there. But sleeping? Why walk to a mosque and sleep? Why not skip sermon altogether and just go late for Friday prayer? You walk to a mosque to sleep in that God awful position to wake up just for a cramp in your leg? Well, that’s basically the kind of questions I would ask IF I know the idea of sleeping during sermon exist, but no I didn’t.  I learn that idea when I first felt sleepy in a small mosque in Jelebu in 2002, where the Bilal’s azan was deafening and he a near-deaf old man. And oh boy no one in their right mind would even think to question the need to sleep at that point. I blame the system for that guilty pleasure. You know how restless life in boarding school is. Your life is scheduled out of your...

There's no mistake when you signaled that you don't want me around. It was your signature cocktail of hate, rejection, distance and disgust. The unmistakable face contortion you displayed when I was a step too close into your invisible radius of comfort, triggered an instantaneous reaction of mine, which you can't detect, because my reaction of choice is more endothermic than exothermic. I rather be mad at than to be mad. My poker face is really bad when it's bad, but when it's good you have no way of telling. I bet you never know what I'm feeling that time, didn't you? Good, because I don't want to give you any satisfaction from your grand retaliation. You bet underneath I'm hurt. Who won't after the unnecessary overly-amplified gesture of eff off? I won't describe what kind of pain I've gone through for fear you might read this (no, I bet my life you won't) and gain instant pleasure from it, but let's just say such tr...

It was brief. A second of infatuation. Followed by another second of hesitation. Then the next by desperation. It's just a gentlemanly gesture. A kind help to a stranger. But one thing set this one apart from the other. That love was in the air. It was obvious that love was in the air. But I was engulfed by a monstrous wave of self-doubt. The split second of hesitation drifted me miles away. And in the vast ocean, I am once again, alone.

Kadang-kadang kita terlalu rapat Hingga terhijab cela dan cacat Kita dan Bumi terlalu dekat Ingatkan datar rupanya bulat Kadang-kadang kita terlalu jauh Terpisah dirindu, bersama dikeluh Macam bintang dan matahari Jauh menghias, dekat mencucuh Kadang-kadang kita terlalu sama Ketawa bersama, menangis bersama* But our closeness is bound by the gravitation Too close, we'll head for cosmic collision Sometimes we are too very different Any similarities wouldn't make much difference We could admit it or pretend indifferent That a wishful thinking's us not differ once *sila sengih jika anda baca ini dalam suara Black. lulz **as the title suggests, I want to make this a 'space' theme, but I messed up on the 4th what? rangkap?baris? idk. The point is, just no 'space' reference there.

Never anyone ever told me about how hard life could be. I probably even have the idea that things will be easier as I grow older. How come no one ever reach me. To tell me that I should brace for what's coming. Not that it would help much,  but some help nonetheless. How can the adults just watch me, Trying to figure out life. Like they want me to see that life is an illustrated book, When what exactly I'm looking at is an abstract paint. Probably if they did help me, It would not help much. Or probably I'll refuse anyway. Or probably I would chase them away. *shrugs*

At 23, I finally made peace with Life. Life was cruel and wild. It still is. But just like anything wild, when we understand how it works,even the wildest beast can be tamed and before we know it, we're enjoying the ride on it's back. I'm enjoying my ride now. I'm enjoying my Life. If my Life is an animal, I would say it's a cat, maybe?  Because I tamed Life alright but sometimes I do still have little problems, a bit stress out etc.  That stress and problems -- that's my Life taking occasional s**t on the carpet. I hate you Life, but I love you :)

Aku rindu untuk merasa sunyi Aku kepingin merasa sepi Kesunyian fizikal yang membungkam hati Tetapi tidak kejam menikamnya mati Kerana sekuat mana aku memejam mata Kerana serapat mana aku menutup telinga Deria rasaku tanpa izinku Masih juga cuba menangkap bunyi dan warna Selagi aku belum pekak dan buta Pada rangsangan dunia Selagi itulah aku tak mampu Menafsir pesan-Nya Belum lagi.

Aku rasa  Aku teruk Bila cuba Untuk tegur And there's two definition of tegur and I'm bad at both. Tegur type 1: hai-apa-khabar-nama-apa kind of tegur . Tegur type 2: hoi-tak-elok-la-buat-macam-tu kind of tegur . I tried to avoid both but to no avail because to tegur is inevitable. Tegur type 1 is inevitable as a human. Tegur type 2 is inevitable as a muslim.

The odds that people will ask this questions are little to none, but here's my answer script anyway: Q: Sepanjang ko kerja, ada customer yang cerewet tak? A: Ada. More than cerewetpun ada actually. Ce**** Q: Customer Melayu ke Cina yang camtu? A: Dua-dua sama je. Pfffft. Q: Yang paling ce****? A: To date, customer Cina. Q: Kenapa ko rasa camtu? Ko racist eh? A: Tak, sebab customer aku paling rasa nak lempang setakat ni adalah Cina tu. Q: Kalau yang buat camtu Melayu, ko rasa camne pulak? A: Rasa nak lempang la ==' Q: Laki ke perempuan customer tu? A: Ko nak tuduh aku sexist plak ke? Q: Tak la, nak tau, dia laki ke perempuan? A: Perempuan. Q: Biasanya customer yang cerewet (or ce****) selalunya jantina apa? A: Perempuan. Q: Kenapa ko rasa camtu? Ko sexist eh? A: #%$&$&$!!! Q: Sorry sorry, kenapa ko rasa camtu? A: Standard la perempuan nak mencari yang terbaik. Quoting my female, i repeat , female colleague, ...

I don't exactly remember when it started because it was many years ago. It was a time when I believe I can live alone. I was fine by myself. I was fine with having friends I don't really like, or friends that I don't really hate but weren't so much alike. It was a life I wouldn't say fun but I believed livable. I was just, okay. And then you came into my life. At first you were just like some background noise; I can hear you but I can still ignore. You smiled at me, you joked around, you asked me stuff about me. At first I refused to talk about myself, I never found myself interesting. Heck, I even hated myself. So when you ask me one thing about me, I will just give short,boring answer and asked you ten questions back. Was I curious about you or was just I being polite is a question that's becoming harder for me to answer. What was noise now was music to my ears. But you were persistent. You don't give up asking me about myself. I started to open up, I ...

Weird that From 7 billion people In this whole wide world The only people That I believe I can be myself with Talk my heart out to Is none of them. Weird that The one that I believe most Is not my family Not my friends Nor my best friends He is whom I never met He is whom I never talk to He is whom I only read stories about He is whom I missed Though not at all times But I missed nevertheless so dearly That I cried. He is my savior "Take me from this cruel world," I'd say. He is my tranquility "You'll be okay," he would say. He is the perfect being He is the one I look up to He is my love. Muhammad. Peace be upon you.

I'm a munch-the-ice-after-the-iced-tea-is-finished kind of boy. I'm a trivial-facts-giver kind of boy. I'm a loud-on-the-social-network-silent-in-real-life kind of boy. I'm a silent-with-strangers-but-annoyingly-loud-with-friends kind of boy. I'm a plan-introducing-but-get-turned-down-most-of-the-time kind of boy. I'm a yeah-why-not-when-asked-of-doing-something kind of boy. I'm a want-something-but-will-not-tell-what-when-feeling-unhappy kind of boy. I'm a look-out-of-the-window-when-travelling kind of boy. I'm a trying-too-hard-to-make-people-laugh-that-makes-people-do-not-laugh kind of boy. I'm a can-forgive-can't-forget kind of boy. I'm a cry-when-watching-sad-movies-alone kind of boy. Those are just something that I bet you don't really notice about me. That's just my shell. Some superficial facts about me. The surface of me. So if you don't know all those non-secret things about me, chances are you don...

I'm walking on a tightrope. A fine line that separates us. And I'm walking slowly. Because if I fall, I fall into you. Because if I fall, I fall into the darkness. You are my darkness.

Senang buat lawak orang gelak. Pakai baju perempuan, buat-buat pondan. Senang nak dapat mandat rakyat. Bagi habuan nak dekat pilihanraya, beri janji-janji manis segala. Senang nak kata fesyen Islamic. Pakai tudung singkat, pakai baju ketat. Senang nak ramaikan program. Panggil artis suara sumbang, wajibkan pekerja datang. Senang nak dapat sokongan. Putar isu basi, beribu-ribu kali dalam TV. Senang nak patahkan lawan. Korek rahsia dalam rumah, jerit dalam 'ceramah'. Senang nak jatuhkan hukum. Korek kitab cari 'fatwa', pakai ulama yang kena selera. Senang ke?