perfectlyimperfect

I think I have messed up my sleep cycle. It's usual for me to pass midnight without feeling sleepy, so I watched movies,watched TV or browse the net until 2 or 3 am. Only then will I go to bed. And it's hard  when I go to bed. Because when I say I go to bed, I really mean only that; go. There's always a half or an hour of tossing and turning before I can finally sleep. And I don't know where my sister bought this bed, but it really cannot handle my pre-sleeping actions. Okay that sounds a wee bit dirty. What I mean was, sometimes the bed will malfunctioned and I have to put it back together (this is a bit technical I'm not gonna bore you with details) . It's just really didn't help with me trying to sleep. And waking up is hard too. I'm a natural early-riser. I was at least. But now I have to rely on alarm clock, which unfortunately means my cheap Nokia phone's alarm clock. If I put it too far from my head, or accidentally pushed it under my...

1. Right now I feel the need to write something, although I'm not quite sure what to write. Okay,actually  I just did the number one Don't: " If you don't know what to write, don't say you don't know what to write ." 2. Stephen King, said he set a quota of writing 2000 words a day. This is like me catching him up, but, haha, who am I kidding. 3. Having my name on the cover of a novel might be the most impossible dream I can never reached. I'll save it in my bucket list though, who knows I can fulfill it later, say in Heaven? 4.People say Heaven is a place where your wishes granted. It's like genie on steroid, no more three-wishes-only rule. 5. Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed that I wrote point No.4, because it's clear as day that I'm struggling with vocabulary and witty idea there. Ughh. 6. Why oh why I'm always like this? I mean why do I always doubt myself, that everything that I do will never be good. It's okay to be ...

It was as if I was not on anyone's phone. Considering how smart a phone could be nowadays, that telling you a lot. I wasn't on anyone phone book. I wasn't in anyone's friend list. I wasn't in anyone's following list. I wasn't in anyone's email address book. I wasn't in anyone freaking life for goodness sake. I was under the radar. I was invisible. I was effing didn't exist. That if I stand in a crowd, everyone would just walk pass through me. That if I screamed, no one would notice. That if I reached for someone, I would just trip and fall. As if I was in a dimension where I could see everyone, but none see me. Like the purpose of my existence in this dimension is to weep for my non-existence. If I go, will anyone notice? If I go, will anyone care? Will anyone be sad? Will anyone cry? Search for me? Missed me? Remember? Ponder? As if I was not on anyone's phone. My take on loneliness, with a tacky connection t...

Dengan sebuah novel Rudyard Kipling di tangan, aku melangkah keluar pintu pagar menuju ke taman permainan. Bersama dua orang anak buah untuk dijaga (mati la). Bersama dua buah basikal untuk disorong (if you can call a bicycle with four wheels bicycle; more like quadcycle to me). Sampai ke taman, kaki tanpa sabar dijejak ke rumput, aaaaaand dang! lecak sebab baru lepas hujan =_=' Selesai memberi instruction dan warning pada anak-anak buah, aku lepaskan diorang terkedek-kedek kayuh basikal. But not before anak buah yang lelaki kotorkan seluar aku sebab terkena tapak kasut dia masa dia panjat basikal (*carut*) .Satisfied dengan arahan, aku melabuh punggung atas bangku. Novel dibuka, dibaca dengan muka bajet educated, tapi tidak sesungguhnya tidak, sebab cover novel itu terlampau kartun untuk aku dianggap educated, which is not my intention pun. Aku baca sebab aku malas nak tengok budak-budak tu main, which is the main point of going there, which is why I'm a bad sitter, which...

We lost that spark.  A spark you took for granted. And for that I'm so grateful. I am. If what that was was fire, it died.  If what that was was a ship, it sank.  It what that was was life, it ended. If there's any memories left,  it evokes not emotion or passion,  but maybe just habitual feelings.  Like drinking water in the morning. Something that started when we don't realized,  deserved not to be ended with goodbyes. If it never even begun,and never really ended,  It deserved no treatment of existence.  It deserved no remembrance.

Sometimes I just want to spend my morning With a cup of coffee Staring out the window Not looking at nothing Just, out the window Embracing the morning breeze That so softly blew the curtains Too softly that for a moment I pretend myself on clouds And when the sun starts to peek I watch my skin yellowed by the ray I want to realize that It was from a foreign stellar object Eight minutes ago Through a place so cold and dark So I will appreciate the warmth And the littlest warmth brought by the littlest photons Which glistened a little on my fingers As I play made-up piano On the messed up table Mimicking the cheap stereo tune From my boring, slow songs From my "Boring & Slow" playlist Which I really want to listen alone Because just I want to cry And cry And cry To the songs How sappy or happy So that the window view makes no sense anymore Just distorted and blur By the torturing tears That when I cannot take it anym...

Once upon a time, there was a varsity student named Gary who was not very bright even though he was a varsity student. In a country that Gary live in, it is not unusual for not very bright people to enter universities  as long as they are rich or willing to be in debt for the rest of their lives. But that fact didn't really matter because Gary was neither rich nor he's willing to be in debt. But the real reason it didn't really matter was because Gary didn't know why he even entered the university taking courses he deem to fail. But nevertheless, Gary was a varsity student. So Gary's everyday routine is going to lectures five minutes late. Then, during lectures he cannot understand the lectures because he was five minutes late, so he doodled crazy doodles in his book. That's on a good day, because on a bad day he will forget to bring any books so he doodled crazy doodles on the desk, the kind that's attached to the the seat. After that, he will go out of...

When life gets hard and complicated, it's easy to wish for things to be easier and simpler. "Why do I have to study this?"  "Why can't assignments finished themselves?" "Why people treat me this way?" "Why can't you do it yourself?" Etcetera, etcetera. But then wishes were granted. Life easier, simpler. A little too easy, too simple I guess. When there's no challenge, I found myself...hollow. I cannot help but to wonder what am I doing in this world when the only problems that I have to solve are "Where is the remote?"  "Who's in the bathroom?" and "I wonder what's going to happen next episode." Heck, I cannot even put a question mark to that last question because it ain't a problem at all! Get up you lazy bum. Stand on your feet. Face the world.

Aku pemuja malam cerah. Lembut sinar sang bulan. Kerdip cahaya  bebintang. Bayang-bayang yang kelam. Sahut-sahut unggas berlagu. Dingin bayu yang berlalu. Kelip-kelip cuba sembunyi. Cengkerik tak henti berbunyi. Dan degup jantung yang selari.

Dear You. How are you doing? I hope you're doing fine without me. What about chasing your dream that you always told me? I'm hoping that doing fine too.  Hey you, I'm sorry that I didn't write you any sooner. I've been caught up in busyness. Unlike you, I still cannot find the rhythm and pace of my everyday routines. I'm still the mess that I was before. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night, screaming on top of my lungs from the same nightmares that I had the night before. Sometimes, the nightmare stops only to be replaced by sad dreams, so sad that I cried in my sleep. I know I cried because when I woke up, the pillow was damped or I had tear lines drawn horizontally on my cheeks. Sometimes I cannot get out of the bed in the morning, because I was still trying to sleep. Because I'm too tired of not sleeping the night before. Don't worry though. Hey you, in case you want to find me, I'm still working at the the place we first met. Mem...

I'm going to leave my past here, loads that were neither needed nor wanted, loads that have been dragging me slow, loads that have been spinning me out of control. And jump to the other side, where I believe the grass greener, the air sweeter. I'm about to take a leap of faith. This is me taking a few steps back. This is me gaining momentum. This is me murmuring prayers. This is me taking a deep breath. This is me, believing myself.

Mungkin bagi kau aku mudah diperalat. Hanya kerana aku lebih mudah menurut, semua permintaan aku tak diendah. Hanya kerana aku sering memulakan langkah, mudah untuk kau mengatakan "tidak". Dalam pelbagai kesilapan yang kau lakukan sepanjang hidup kau, memandang enteng nilai diri aku adalah kesilapan kau yang terbesar. Ya aku menurut, mcam lembu bingai dicucuk hidung. Ya aku mengalah, bagai pesalah yang diacu pistol. Jika kesalahan terbesar kau adalah memandang rendah padaku, memandang diri kau lebih tinggi adalah permulaan kepada penyesalan seumur hidup engkau. Kau lupa mungkin, lembu yang dicucuk hidung itu punya upaya untuk menanduk dan memijak tanpa dijangka. Kau lupa juga, aku bisa saja mengilas tanganmu dan tak perlu aku terangkan lagi pistol itu kini diacu ke kepala siapa. Kau mungkin bijak mengambil kesempatan, tapi kau bodoh bila engkau sangka aku seperti yang engkau jangka. Tidak, aku bukan mengumpul daya untuk bertindak, aku sudah punya itu. Tidak, aku bu...

I'm a slave of Imperfection,  whose long for freedom cannot be fathomed by the yardstick of Norm. Because a yard is a yard. And a fathom is a fathom.  Not too different,yet can never be the same. Yet they measured it quick, and the judgement is fixed.  I'm still a slave of Imperfection,  whose labor is free,  unlike my hands and my feet. Well, well.  My hands are shackled, and they bruised my knuckles.  I refuse to sigh, but instead I chuckled. *excerpt from my tweets. malas? probably. No inspiration? definitely.* 

Jadi majlis konvokesyen tinggal beberapa hari lagi. Mula-mula risau juga memikirkan pakaian yang mahu dipakai. Sibuk bertanya teman-teman busana apa mahu disarung. Bukannya mahu bersaing siapa paling cantik (isi akaun bank pun makin mengering), cuma mahu cari kawan yang sekepala- berbaju melayu hitam dan bersampin. Tapi kalau tidak mahu bersaing pun, nyata niat aku sudah menyimpang. Jadi sebenarnya, aku malu kerana tak cukup bergaya? Hilang roh majlis graduasi dicabut rasa duniawi. Tapi itulah halnya. Kita sudah dididik untuk rasa ketinggalan yang dibayangi rasa materialistik. Bukan ilmu yang dijulang tapi keputusan peperiksaan yang cemerlang. Bukan nafkah yang dicari tapi tangga gaji yang tinggi. Bukan pakaian yang sopan tetapi yang paling menarik perhatian. Lalu membarah dalam hal agama. Bukan kerana tuhan,tapi kerana sijil penghargaan. Bukan kerana ingin mengimarah masjid dan surau, tapi pandangan teman yang kita risau. Post untuk blog kali ini; entah apa tujuan sebenar. Mah...

Masalah ni bagai kain pelikat yang hampir terlurut. Kalau terus digulung pun bakal terlucut. Jadi bertenanglah dan rungkaikan ikatan Betulkan kain dan kuatkan lilitan. *nak ganti pelikat dengan kain batik pon boleh.kain kapan pun boleh. ikut mana selalu pakai. lol

Mungkin lebih baik aku begini. Sendiri. Tak berbuat apa-apa. Tiada komitmen. Yang harus dipatuhi hanyalah jadual tidur,makan, dan TV. Tak perlu lagi fikir nanti kelas apa, makmal pukul berapa. But the most enlightening is tiada lagi keperluan untuk bersosial. Kalau dulu mahu baca buku hendak berteman, mahu ke kelas hendak berteman, mahu makan pun hendak berteman juga. Berak tak teman ye, itu budak pompuan je okey. Ya, rasa ingin berteman itu, kehendak rupanya. Bila berseorangan baru aku tahu itu bukan keperluan. Menolak takut dikata anti-social ? Tak ajak takut dikata sombong? Alasan je tu. Elok sedap hidup begini. Mundar-mandir di laman rumah waktu pagi. Bila penat lari ke perdu pokok. Intai burung di celahan pokok. Baling batu pada ayam berkokok. Bila matahari sudah meninggi, masuk rumah baring atas lantai simen. Sejuk. Kalau dahaga cepat-cepat buka peti, botol air terus diteguk. Tak bercawan, tak bergelas. Kalau mak nampak, ha siaplah kena bebel.Setakat ni belum lagi kantoi. Tap...

Say it If you missed me Because it's killing you not telling Because it's killing me not knowing Shout it If I'm far away But that's probably stupid Because you can text me anyway Or post on my Facebook wall Or tweet me on Twitter Or post a video on Youtube Ya. Ini post main-main. Haha. Padan muka.

Harapan itu hapus dijamah Bagai gugus bintang yang lenyap Dilitup subuh yang merah Diraja matahari yang meluap Dan kita masih terus membuntang Menggantung harap dan ingin Satu per satu seperti bintang Muncul teratur di senja yang mendingin Dan malam itu kita terlentang Memandang langit yang telanjang Telah kita tiup jauh awan penghalang Bernafas perlahan seperlahan putarnya bintang Dan embun yang membutir di bulu mata Menerbit masinnya air mata Lalu dalam gelap legam dan sejuk membeku Tanganmu kugenggam, sama menangis tersedu.

Empat tahun ini cukup memayahkan. Cukup melelahkan. Bagai satu maraton yang cukup panjang. Cuma bezanya (dan malangnya) leher ini terbelenggu tak dibenar berhenti. Dipaksa berlari; maraton yang panjang dan tak betujuan. Mulanya tidak pasti adakah ada sorak menang di hujungnya. Tidak juga pasti adakah ada segelas air buat penghilang dahaga. Dan rantai yang tegang menyentak leher ini dulunya kendur, kerana masih punya kudrat. Kerana masih mengharapkan di akhir garisan nanti dicurahkan nikmat. Satu ketika dulu langkah yang takut-takut itu mula melangkah berani. Kukuh. Padu. Sekata. Confident. Foolishly confident . Heh. Namun langkah mati bila sedar diri sudah tertinggal di belakang. Rantai yang kendur kini mencekang. Entah mana silapnya, mana pergi upaya. Teman yang ada dulu terus memecut. Kaki diheret, namun makin sulit. Di kiri kanan jalan manusia mula menjerit. Hina keji maki. Diludah ditohmah difitnah. Lalu kaki melonglai, lutut menghentak lantai. Berapa lama aku meran...

I want to be more like You. Kind and caring. Composed and cool. Funny and fun. I want to be less like me. Baran Malas Penakut Selfish Anti-social Pessimist Pushy Judgmental But if that is the case, Why do You still treat me so nicely? Why the warmth? Why the smile? Why the attention? Why the patience? "Don't know why You love me. That's why I love you."  - Beyonce Knowles -

Oh Tuhan, apa pilihanku? Kalau, Kalau aku ceritakan, nescaya aku berdosa kerana memburukkan dia. Kalau aku luahkan, nescaya akan ada hati yang benci dan terluka Dan andai, Andai aku pendam, nescaya hilang pudar percaya dan harga diri Andai aku diam, sakit jiwa menahan hina dan maki. Oh Tuhan, Yang Maha Adil, Yang Maha Mengasihi hamba-Nya, Yang Maha Memahami diri ini luar dan dalamnya; tunjukkan padaku, apa pilihanku? Jadi malam ini aku menunggu jawab Mu Akan aku bersabar satu hari lagi, Tapi jangan Kau biarkan aku terus tertanya; apa pilihanku??? Kerana hati ini kecil, Iman ini nipis, Sabar ini sejengkal

I'm like a kid around you Get too excited to just about everything I asked for unconditional love relentlessly As if love is a lollipop in a candy store I trusted you with all my heart As if you are my favorite superhero I went naughty throwing tantrums When you're too busy and ignored me I hold you so close Like you're my favorite pillow I closed the door and eyes so tight When we argue and caught in a fight Then I creep slowly back to you Because forgiveness is so easy than losing you Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Haruskah aku Membuta mata Memekakkan telinga Pada jelik wajah dunia Pada herdik pekik manusia Memaksa aku Membisu mulut dari menegur Mengudung tangan dari melentur Bila aku sendiri Buta Pekak Bisu Dan kudung Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

I saw you yesterday Looking all gloomed and frayed Your feet fidgeted Your body swayed You must really want to leave Yet your heart want to stay I saw you again today Biting your lips pulling your hair At the exact same spot The exact same parking lot Just more fidgeting Just more swaying. So right now im walking Slowly steady towards you You can't avoid but noticing That i am nervous too So right now we're 2 feet apart At the exact same parking lot Switching glances of each others eyes I said "Hi." And you smiled. Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Kalau api dibuat lampu Terang tapi asapnya kelabu Ikut hati ikut nafsu Akal mati jiwa kelu Kata kesat yang terhambur. Lautan dalam mahu diuji Kailnya sejengkal jorannya lidi Ingin hati difahami Pentingkan diri sendiri Tak mahu pula memahami.   Sinar mentari dilindung tangan Datang awan sesatlah jalan Jasa lama dilupakan Hilang kawan dan pedoman Jiwa beban sesal lah badan.   Marah jangan diturut. Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Kau Tak perlu Buat apa-apa Tak perlu aku kaubelanja Kau Tak perlu Kata apa-apa Tak perlu aku kaupuji puja Asalkan kau tak malu Untuk mengaku Aku kawanmu Sudah cukup baik bagiku Cukup hanya itu. Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

You hate it when I care about you. But then you hate me for not caring about you. Bravo *standing ovation* Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

I cannot lose you, you can be sure of that. So no matter who's leaving who, I'm the one who will suffer. No matter what the reason is, I'm the one whose regret is bigger. Because I cannot lose you, you can be sure of that. Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Tak tertahan lagi hati ini rasanya Bila akhirnya kebenaran tersingkap juga Bahawa aku ini sekadar anjing bagimu Layak hanya dibaling batu. Tak tertanggung lagi hati ini menahan Bila telahanku ternyata bukan perasaan Yang aku ini tak bererti walau sekelumit Sehina dan lebih dari anjing tersepit Entah kenapa hati ini terus meminta Belas dan ihsan sedikit perhatian Dari engkau kuterus berharap Tak terjangka dilayan bagai anjing berkurap Lalu hati ini berkata sudahlah Anjing yang hina takkan jadi mulia Mungkin lopak ini tak bisa menghilang dahaga Cubalah meminta belas pelacur di sisi telaga. Anjing Kaucuba nak jadi comel macam kucing Tapi kau tak ubah seperti parasit alien Layaknya disembur pestisid ciptaan homosapien . Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

These days I cannot stop listening to Radiohead's Creep. The song just describes me so perfectly, I know the lyrics by heart.  And the situation now that keeps bugging me...makes me listen to it with my heart churning. Every single time. Then there's this cover of the song by Vega Choir. You probably have heard it on Social Network (story about Facebook). That cover is just as powerful, I can cry if I want to.  Yes I am a creep. I'm a weirdo. To all who hate, you see, I'm a human too. I wished I was special.  I longed for a perfect body, a perfect soul. Like you have.  But that just will never happen. And I'm sorry for that. I truly am.  P/S: Nurul Izzah is a huge fan of Radiohead.Well now you know.

I used quite a large monitor attached to my laptop, since the laptop screen failed me; twice. *sumpah tak nak baiki dah* So, when I changed the layout of this blog, what I had in mind was to have the robot to sort of holding the page of this blog. It looked good. Until I opened my blog from other people's laptop! Because the average screen size of laptops are smaller than my monitor, I guessed I have been embarrassing myself with distorted layout for months now. Why don't you people say something? *tutup muka* Now, I have to start thinking of a new layout. This one is old anyway. So, wait and see :)

I'm tired of missing. I want to end this thing. Just a little longer dear me, You'll break out into butterfly oh so pretty.

Aku masih ambil kisah Hal dirimu dan hidupmu Aku mahu diwajahmu menguntum lorek kecil senyum Aku mahu kau ketawa hingga terbit air mata Aku masih kawanmu Walau tak serapat dulu. #RIP Bestfriendship #LiveLong Friendship

Orang cakap, " If it's no good for you, why don't you just let it go?" Apparently, letting go is easier said than done.